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JWST155-fm JWST155-Kramer January31,2012 8:58 PrinterName:YettoCome
Destructive Myths in Family Therapy
P1:SFN/XYZ P2:ABC
JWST155-fm JWST155-Kramer January31,2012 8:58 PrinterName:YettoCome
Destructive Myths in Family
Therapy
How to Overcome Barriers to
Communication by Seeing and Saying – A
Humanistic Perspective
Daniela Kramer-Moore and Michael Moore
A John Wiley & Sons, Ltd., Publication
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JWST155-fm JWST155-Kramer January31,2012 8:58 PrinterName:YettoCome
Thiseditionfirstpublished2012
(cid:2)C 2012JohnWiley&Sons,Ltd.
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LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Kramer-Moore,Daniela.
Destructivemythsinfamilytherapy:howtoovercomebarrierstocommunicationby
seeingandsaying:ahumanisticperspective/DanielaKramer-MooreandMichaelMoore.
p.;cm.
Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex.
ISBN978-0-470-66701-9(hardback:alk.paper)–ISBN978-0-470-66700-2
(pbk.:alk.paper)
I.Moore,Michael,1942Sept.19-II.Title.
[DNLM:1.FamilyTherapy–methods. 2.Communication. 3.Family–psychology.
4.FamilyRelations. 5.Humanism.WM430.5.F2]
616.89(cid:3)156–dc23
2011053425
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Wileyalsopublishesitsbooksinavarietyofelectronicformats.Somecontentthatappears
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Printedin[Country]
1 2012
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JWST155-fm JWST155-Kramer January31,2012 8:58 PrinterName:YettoCome
With love to our children: Gilad, Karen, Ofer, Rafi,
Yotam, and Yuval
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Contents
Preface xiii
Acknowledgments xvii
PartI Seeing–TheChoicesweMake 1
1. Blindness,orWithEyesWideShut 5
Dangers,Taboos,andPunishments 8
IdentifiedPatients 9
AContinuumofBlindness 10
Totalblindness 11
Tunnelvision 11
Partialvision 12
Broadvistas 12
Clearvision 12
Surprise,Surprise! 13
TheIrreversibilityofSeeing 14
Activities 15
1Pinthetail 15
2Blindwalk 15
3Blindspots 16
4Trainride 16
5Picturegallery 17
6Toseeourselvesasothersseeus 17
2. Distortions,orIt’sAllfortheBest! 18
AFewEgoDefenseMechanisms 20
FamilyDefenseMechanisms 21
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viii Contents
Activities 30
1Familymap1 30
2Familymap2 31
3Familygossip 31
4Whatdotheneighborsthinkaboutus? 32
5Masquerade 32
3. InsightthroughTherapy,orToSeeorNotToSee 33
TheGoalsofTherapy 35
StagesofTherapy 37
Stage1:InsightfulrecognitionofPFPs 37
Stage2:Theimplementationofchange 40
Stage3:Evaluationandconclusion 47
Activities 49
1Familypainmapping 49
2Genogram 49
3Roles 50
4Asackofstones 50
5ConflictorWhatisthisquarrelabout? 51
6Windows 51
4. MakingTherapyWork,orPracticeWhatYouPreach 52
TheTherapistasClient 53
Neutrality,Empathy,Authenticity,andCreativity 54
TheTherapeuticAgreement 58
TypesofClients 61
StoppingandReflecting 62
ImplementingChange 63
Individualvs.FamilyTherapy 64
AFewWordsonGroupPsychotherapy 65
AbouttheActivities 66
MulticulturalPerspective 67
Activities 70
1Agreement 70
2Listen! 70
3Goodcop,badcop 71
4ThefourFs 71
5Empathytraining 71
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Contents ix
PartII Saying–ThePowerofWords 73
5. HomeostaticMessages,orDon’tRocktheBoat! 77
Let’snottalkaboutit 82
Everyonehasproblems! 85
Countyourblessings 86
Betterthedevilyouknow 88
Activities 90
1Awordtothewise 90
2Actionblockers 91
3Timetravel 91
4Anotetomyself 92
5Scriptwriting 92
6. LackofAuthenticity,orKeepaStiffUpperLip 94
FourConceptionsofAuthenticity 95
AuthenticityasaTrait 100
PseudoLiving 101
AndTheyLivedHappilyEverAfter 102
C’mon,GiveDaddyaSmile! 103
PlayHardtoGet 105
WhatWilltheNeighborsSay? 106
ForgiveandForget! 107
Activities 108
1Awordtothewise 108
2HiddenAgenda1 108
3HiddenAgenda2 109
4Objects 109
5Dinnertime 110
6Packages 110
7. Inequality,orWhatCanYouExpectFromaMan? 111
TheStatusofChildren 113
SpousalEquality 115
It’sforyourowngood! 116
Honoryourfather 119
I’mgladwehadthislittletalk 120
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x Contents
It’snotthesamething 121
Itoldyouso 122
Activities 123
1Awordtothewise 123
2Lineup 123
3Apieceofcake 123
4Favoritism 124
5Respectme! 124
6Sameordifferent? 125
8. Belittling,orWhoDoYouThinkYouAre? 126
TypesofBelittling 128
TargetsandConsequences 129
Youaretooyoungtounderstand 135
You’rejustlikeyourfather/mother! 136
Butatleastyou’vegotniceeyes 137
It’sallyourfault 138
You’reoversensitive 138
Activities 140
1Awordtothewise 140
2Littlepeople 140
3Pickacard 140
4Familysculpture 141
5Ruler 141
9. Bookkeeping,orJustYouWait 142
Individualismvs.Collectivism 144
BookkeepingintheFamily 145
Youoweme! 146
I’llneverforgiveyou 147
Butyouyourselfhavesaidso! 149
Itservesyouright! 150
ThisisthelasttimeI’mtakingyouonanouting! 151
Activities 153
1Awordtothewise 153
2Theblackbook 153
3Rooms 153
4Familysecrets 154
5Shoppinglist 154
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Contents xi
10. FamilyRivalry,orDivideandConquer 155
SiblingRivalry 159
ParentalRivalry 159
Lethimhaveit! 160
OK–Whostartedit? 161
Whycan’tyoubemorelikeyoursister? 162
WholovesMommybest? 164
Activities 166
1Awordtothewise 166
2Onceuponatime 166
3Familyscripts 166
4Itfigures 167
5Familygarden 167
11. InLieuofConclusion:MythsintheService
ofPsychopathology 169
Activities 173
1Alettertomyself 173
2Familysculpture 173
3IandWe 173
4Temperaturetaking 174
5Theroadtaken 174
6Closure 175
References 177
Index 191
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JWST155-Preface JWST155-Kramer January4,2012 15:25 PrinterName:YettoCome
Preface
Inourtherapysessions,weseefamiliesintheirdramas:betweenspouses,
parentsandchildren,vis-a`-visextendedfamilymembers,betweensiblings.
Even though most claim that they want to live in harmony with their
immediate family, they keep bickering, miscommunicating, hurting one
another,andruiningrelationships.Itislogicaltopresumethateveryyoung
couple wants only happiness for themselves and for their future children,
withoutcausingorfeelingpainandcrises.Yetastherapistswhomeetfamilies
in pain we see them systematically destroying family events, living under
muchstress,endingupindivorceorevenworse:chronicaversion,bringing
up children with behavioral problems. Erich Fromm, social psychologist,
psychoanalystandhumanisticphilosopher,(1977,p.8)suggestedthat“Man
seeksfordramaandexcitement;whenhecannotgetsatisfactiononahigher
level,hecreatesforhimselfthedramaofdestruction.”Eventhosewhodo
not want dramas, may have no choice if they do not know any better, for
they have brought from their families of origin patterns of competition,
one-upmanship,lackoftrustinothers,oralackofawarenessoftheirinner
world. Often when they try to share or understand what is happening to
them, they resort to well-practiced patterns of blaming and quarreling,
ending up even more distant from each other and less capable of mutual
trust. To make things more difficult, in order to progress to a mode of
communicationthatismorenourishing,itisnotenoughforonepersonto
speakeffectively.Bothparentfigures,whoserveasmodelsfortheirchildren,
needtolearnhowtogiveupdysfunctionalcommunicationpatternsandto
adopt a new language of trust, empathy, authenticity, and mutual respect
toward each other and toward their children. Thus, we find family and
coupletherapyasthefirststeptowardsimprovingthequalityoffamilylife,
withthetherapistactingasacommunicationinstructorandmediator.
