Deep Thoughts From a Hollywood Blonde

239 Pages·2014·9.64 MB·English

by  Jennie Garth

New American Library
Published by the Penguin Group Penguin Group (USA) LLC, 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York
10014
USA | Canada | UK | Ireland | Australia | New Zealand | India | South Africa | China penguin.com
A Penguin Random House Company First published by Signet, an imprint of New American Library, a
division of Penguin Group (USA) LLC
Copyright © Blue Puddle, Inc., 2014
All photos courtesy of the author unless otherwise noted.
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech,
and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying
with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without
permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
Garth, Jennie, 1972– Deep
REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADALIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA:
Thoughts from a Hollywood Blonde/Jennie Garth with Emily Heckman.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-1-10163067-9
1. Garth, Jennie, 1972– 2. Actresses—United States—Biography.
I. Heckman, Emily. II. Title.
PN2287.G395A3 2014
791.4302'8092—dc23 2013044213
[B]
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this
book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences and the words are the author’s alone.
Version_1
Contents
Title page
Copyright page
Dedication
Epigraph

INTRODUCTION
DOWN ON THE FARM
THE FIRST BIG BLOW
BIG BANGS AND UGLY BAND COSTUMES
CINDERELLA IN THE DESERT
LEAVING ARIZONA
I MISS GOING TO SWITZERLAND
I WAS A TEENAGE TV STAR
9021-OH
THE RULE OF THREE
BEAUTIFUL BOYS
KELLY AND DYLAN FOREVER
HOUSEKEEPING
I LIKE YOUR STYLE
DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR
RUNNING DOWN THE AISLE
THE REAL DEAL
BEAUTIFUL LIGHT
THE CUTEST GIRL ON SET
ZEN AND THE MAKEUP CHAIR
LEAVING THE ZIP CODE
BUILDING OUR BOAT
ALL ABOARD!
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU
RV’ING
SO YOU THINK I CAN DANCE?
HOLIDAYS AND HOSPITALS
RACING THE CLOCK
A LITTLE BIT . . . DEVASTATED
IT’S NOT EXACTLY THE OK CORRAL
LOVE ON THE ROCKS
OPA!
A NEW DAY, A NEW HOODIE
HOME ALONE
GETTING TO KNOW THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR
STALKING THE ELUSIVE HAPPY FAMILY
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
THROW THIS HOUSE OUT THE WINDOW
DOG ABOUT TOWN
LICKING THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE
A LITTLE TWITTER
SINGLE WITH A CAPITAL “S”
NEVER SAY NEVER
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
IS THERE AN APP FOR THAT?
THREE LITTLE BIRDIES
DEEP THOUGHTS

Acknowledgments
Insert Photos
To my three little birdies.
I love watching you fly.
“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others, it’s
the only means.”
—Albert Einstein
INTRODUCTION
B
eing a blonde is both a blessing and a curse. There’s an assumption that
if you’re blonde you have no brains, and because you have no brains
you’re the life of the party, and when you’re the life of the party,
everything is easy and your life is carefree and . . . Wait a minute. Really? Is that
what the world thinks of us?
My blondeness has long been one of my most identifying features, and at
some point, it became part of my identity. So when I thought about what I
wanted to call my memoir, I knew I’d have to capture the truth behind being a
blonde. And it came to me: Deep Thoughts from a Hollywood Blonde.
I felt like this might be a good opportunity to debunk some myths about the
fairest among us and, in my own personal case, demonstrate that some of the
clichés about blondes are clichés precisely because they are so damn true. Surely
I am the right person to write this book, because I am the rarest of blondes: a
natural one.
Cliché number one: Blondes are dumb. Of course! People say this so often
that it must be true! And let’s not forget its ugly stepsisters: blondes are ditzy,
naive, and have bad memories. In my case, the memory part is absolutely true: I
happen to have the worst memory of any human being I have ever encountered.
My memory is so bad that the people closest to me actually feel comfortable
joking about it, because they know I won’t remember that they were just making
fun of me. Recently I even had a series of CAT scans done of my brain, and I
was certain that these detailed photographs would finally reveal the giant, gaping
hole where my memory is supposed to be. Imagine my surprise—and horror—
when the images revealed nothing more than a normal, run-of-the-mill brain.
There was no weird eraser-shaped growth in there, no evidence of shrinkage or
damage—there was nothing to explain why I can’t remember so many things,
including what I had for dinner last night.
You would think that having such a dim memory would make writing a
memoir very, very difficult, but actually, once I got started, writing seemed to
activate the dormant recollection part of my brain, and my life as I had forgotten
it began to come back to me. The more I wrote, the more I remembered. And the
more I remembered, the more I began to realize how good this process was for
me. About halfway through, something even clicked, and I realized that by
writing about my life, warts and all, I was really getting to know myself in a way
that was at times humbling, at times horrifying, and definitely always eye-
opening and entertaining.
On top of that, I know that there is an “e” at the end of the word blonde, so
clearly I’m no dummy. So myth one—debunked!
Cliché number two: Blondes are bad drivers. In my case, totally false. One
of the things I’m most proud of is the fact that I can parallel-park a forty-foot RV
on La Cienega Boulevard in one shot. At rush hour. I’ve done this while
watching many a guy struggle to maneuver a Prius into a parking spot in a
completely empty lot. I’ve also driven that very same RV across the country
with four kids, two dogs, and a baby pig on board. Need I say more? Cliché
number two, squashed.
Cliché number three: Blondes get more attention. True! But whether or not
this kind of attention is welcome is another thing. I know every woman,
regardless of hair color, has been on the receiving end of unwanted catcalls
while she’s minding her own business, or lame come-ons when she’s out with
friends. But for blondes, this kind of “attention” can be relentless. Let me tell
you, it’s a drag. And it doesn’t help when you’re a blonde who has been on
several hit television shows and you are recognized wherever you go. (“There
goes that blonde!”) On the other hand, when you’re a blonde, people assume
you’re the life of the party and so you’re never left out. The downside of this is
that you can never be the wallflower, not even when you might want to be.
Another blonde cliché: Blondes have more fun. This is a pretty complicated
concept, believe it or not, because sometimes it’s true; sometimes it’s not. You’ll
have to read on to find out what blonde fun is all about!
In the end, I realized that by writing a book, I could, in my own humble way,