Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life--For the Better

243 Pages·2008·0.988 MB·English

by  Jeanne Safer Ph.D.

HOW LOSING
A PARENT
CAN CHANGE
AN ADULT’S
LIFE—FOR THE
BETTER
D e a t h
B e n e f i t s
“Astrategyforgettingapaybackfromyourpain.Safertellshowamidlifeorphancansort
throughmemories,salvagingwhatheals,packingawayguiltandresentment,perhapseven
unearthingalegacyoflove.” —O, THE OPRAH MAGAZINE
Jeanne Safer, Ph. D.
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Praise for Jeanne Safer’s
Death Benefits
“Safer offers . . . helpful exercises for adult children
to begin to heal from emotional wounds inflicted by their
parents. . . . [Those] seeking to free themselves from ties
that have bound too tightly will welcome Safer’s message:
there’s no need to feel guilty about a sense of freedom
and finding one’s true self after a parent’s death.”
—Publishers Weekly
“This is an extraordinarily helpful book, exploring
a long-neglected aspect of parent-child relationships.”
—Dr. Arthur Caliandro, Senior Minister,
Marble Collegiate Church
“Safer has brought off the hard task
of casting a cold eye on the feelings of relief that
so often follow upon losing a parent in one’s own adult-
hood, acknowledging that the death of a parent—any
parent—can set us free and offering practical
suggestions for acting on that insight.”
—Commentary
“In the months and years that followed
her mother’s death [Safer] began to confront
in herself, and to recall from the accounts of many
patients, something unexpected, a ‘shocking—almost
acrilegious’ truth: The death of your parents can
be the best thing that ever happens to you.”
—Los Angeles Times
“Safer is forging a new frontier . . . and shatters
a long-standing social taboo.”
—Maclean’s
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Death Benefits
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Other Books by Jeanne Safer
The Normal One:
Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling
Forgiving and Not Forgiving:
Why Sometimes It’s Better Not to Forgive
Beyond Motherhood:
Choosing a Life without Children
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Death Benefits
How Losing a Parent Can
Change an Adult’s Life—
For the Better
(cid:2)(cid:3)(cid:4)
Jeanne Safer, Ph.D.
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
New York
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Copyright © 2008 by Jeanne Safer
Hardcover edition first published in 2008 by Basic Books,
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
Paperback edition first published in 2010 by Basic Books
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be
reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of
brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information, address Basic
Books, 387 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016-8810.
Books published by Basic Books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in
the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more
information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group,
2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call [phone], or e-
mail [email protected].
Designed by Timm Bryson
Set in 11 point Adobe Caslon
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Safer, Jeanne.
Death benefits : how losing a parent can change an adult’s life—for the better / Jeanne
Safer.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-465-07211-8
1. Death—Social aspects. 2. Parents—Death—Psychological aspects. 3. Adult children—
Psychology. I. Title.
HQ1073.S24 2008
155.9’37—dc22
2007046573
Paperback ISBN: 978-0-465-01857-4
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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For Linda Marshall
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Perhaps nobody is completely grown-up until
both his parents are dead.
—Auberon Waugh, Will This Do? (1991)
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Contents
Author’s Note ix
Introduction: Life After Death 1
PART I
Death Changes Everything
CHAPTER 1 My Death Benefit (Autobiography) 11
CHAPTER 2 Death Benefits: The Last Taboo 49
CHAPTER 3 Going Through the Stuff:
Choosing a Legacy 63
PART II
Life Benefits: Body, Mind, and Spirit
CHAPTER 4 Using the Good China: Deserving
a Life at Last 81
CHAPTER 5 My Body, Myself: Health and
Beauty Benefits 91
CHAPTER 6 Till Death Do Us Part:
Marriage and Divorce 103
vii