Table Of ContentBy Gay Hendricks, Ph.D.
CONSCIOUS BREATHING
By Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. and
Kate Ludeman, Ph.D.
THE CORPORATE MYSTIC
By Gay Hendricks, Ph.D.
and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D.
AT THE SPEED OF LIFE
CONSCIOUS HEART
We dedicate this book to our amazing children, Amanda and Chris, who have
shown us that there is a new and better world of relationships available for the
human family.
A
CKNOWLEDGMENTS
We are deeply grateful to the thousand or so couples, and the more
than twenty thousand clients and workshop participants with whom we
have worked over the past two decades. Their courageous struggles
toward co-commitment are the proving ground for the ideas in this
book.
We are grateful to all the therapists who have taken our professional
trainings. They have given us the gift of their compassion, caring and
critical feedback. Heartfelt thanks are due to those colleagues who
gave us feedback on the manuscript as it evolved.
We offer a bouquet of thanks to Toni Burbank, whose editorial touch
is both masterful and exquisitely light.
A particularly deep bow goes to Sandy Dijkstra, dream agent and
agent of dreams.
To our parents— Norma Hendricks and Polly and Bob Swift— we
give a hug of thanks for everything they are and have done.
We are deeply grateful for John Bradshaw, for his loving spirit and
his great contribution to our society’s healing.
C
ONTENTS
F by John Bradshaw
OREWORD
P
ROLOGUE
PART ONE
O C L : T J B
NE ONSCIOUS OVING HE OURNEY IN RIEF
Unconscious Loving and Co-Dependence?
What Is Co-Commitment?
The Birth of Unconscious Loving in Childhood
The Specific Moment When Unconscious Loving
Emerges
Beginning Your Journey to Co-Commitment
Three Fundamental Requirements for Co-
Committed Relationships
T T M W U L B
WO HE OMENT HEN NCONSCIOUS OVING EGINS
The Hidden Influence of the Past
The Moment in Detail
Withholding Leads to Withdrawal and Projection
Unconscious Deals
The Heart of the Matter
T T N T U L
HREE HE INE RAPS OF NCONSCIOUS OVING
F T S S C -C
OUR HE EVEN TEPS TO O OMMITMENT
Step One: Commitment
Step Two: Learning to Love Yourself
Step Three: Learning to Feel
Step Four: Claiming Creativity
Step Five: Learning to Tell the Microscopic Truth
Step Six: Keeping Your Agreements
Step Seven: Learning to Live in a State of
Continuous Positive Energy
F T O P Y N S C -C
IVE HE NLY ROBLEM OU EED TO OLVE IN A O OMMITTED
R
ELATIONSHIP
Deflecting Positive Energy
The Co-Committed Alternative to the Upper Limits
Problem
S A N M R C
IX EW ETHOD OF ESOLVING ONFLICT
The Co-Committed Problem-Solving Process
S C -C S C H
EVEN O OMMITTED TRATEGIES FOR OMMUNICATING AND ANDLING
D E
IFFICULT MOTIONS
Sources of Distorted Thinking About Emotions
Defining Your Boundaries
Recognizing Your Feelings
Distinguishing Thoughts from Feelings
Co-Committed Communication Skills
The Co-Committed Alternative
E H K P I P
IGHT ow TO EEP THE AST FROM NTRUDING ON THE RESENT
Projection Is Often the Culprit
Projecting Past Authority Issues onto the Present
Traumas
Habit Patterns
Healing the Past
Completions 198
N W D W Y F S
INE HAT TO O HEN OU EEL TUCK
The Stuckness Process
C E N W I
ONCLUSION NVISIONING A EW ORLD OF NTIMACY
PART TWO
T C -C P : A T Y
HE O OMMITMENT ROGRAM CTIVITIES FOR RANSFORMING OUR
R
ELATIONSHIP
Introduction
Co-Commitment Activities
Co-Commitment
Learning to Love Yourself
Learning to Feel Your Feelings
Claiming Creativity
Learning to Tell the Microscopic Truth
Keeping Your Agreements
Learning to Live in a State of Continuous Positive
Energy
Communications Skills
Problem-Solving
F
OREWORD
Conscious Loving is a marvelous addition to the nourishing practical
wisdom Gay Hendricks has been offering for a long time. I have
learned much about self-love and human emotions from Gay. I have
learned about intimacy from Kathlyn and Gay. This book is a product of
their co-commitment to all of us.
I can’t think of anything more important than conscious loving. Our
culture’s severe family problems and massive addictions attest to the
unconscious contaminations resulting from our dysfunctional source
relationships.
Our models of intimacy are patently out of date. They come from a
social era that was survivalistic. When survival is at stake, it is good to
have one person in charge. It is also good to be co-dependent and
non-feeling.
Our culture is leisure oriented. The old model is totally inadequate
for dealing with the new possibilities for love and emotional intimacy
which result from the new leisure.
Kathlyn and Gay are offering us a new model. We need it badly. We
must help our ailing non-intimate marriages. The marital relationship
determines the health of the family to a large degree. In spite of a
couple’s best intentions, if they use the old model, their relationship is
probably going to fail because the old model is based on an imbalance
of power. In this book, the Hendricks teach us that intimacy is only
possible when there is a balance of power.
Most importantly, they offer us exercises which will help us to
achieve this balance of power in our relationships. In fact, the
practicality of this book is its greatest asset. The Hendricks offer us a
rich array of experiential exercises which can teach us how to love
intimately.
I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers. I encourage you to
buy this book and use it to the hilt.
—JOHN BRADSHAW
Description:Here is a powerful new program that can clear away the unconscious agreements patterns that undermine even your best intentions. Through their own marriage and through twenty years' experience counseling more than one thousand couples, therapists Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have developed precise stra
