Compassion and self-hate: an alternative to despair

292 Pages·1975·25.199 MB·English

by  Theodore Isaac Rubin, Eleanor Rubin

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Ballantine
Nonfiction
24885
$1.95

"THE BEST OF DR. RUBIN'S MANY
SUCCESSFUL BOOKS
. . .
STRONGLY RECOMMENDED"
—
Dr. Harry Gerschman, Dean,
American Institute for Psychoanalysis
"Read Dr. Rubin's new book. You owe it to your-
self. It is indeed his finest effort. Here all the evils
of self-hate are laid bare. Here is hope. Here Is
compassion. Here is tr—uth."
San Francisco Chronicle
"One of the most complete compendiums on how
to break through neurotic living to greater well-
bein—g."
Helen A. De Rosis, M.D.,
Editor, American Journai of Psychoanaiysis
"It couldn't have been written at a more appropri-
ate time, or by a more thoroughly competent
authority."
—
Frank G. Slaughter, M.D.
"It chips away the rust on your psychic armor,
rediscovering the neglected sources of your com-
passion."
—
Bess Myerson
"The compassionate way of life as an effective
solution to neurotic conflict ... an important work
that deserves a wide readership.—"
LibraryJournal
ALSO BY THEODORE ISAAC RUBIN
*Lisa and David/JordI
* Cat
* In the Life
*Sweet Daddy
Platzo and the Mexican Pony Rider
The 29th Summer
Coming Out
The Thin Booi<bya Formerly Fat Psychiatrist
The Winner's Notebook
Forever Thin
The Angry Book
Emergency Room Diary
"Dr. Rubin, Please Make Me Happy!"
Shrink
Love Me, Love My Fool: Thoughts from a
Psychoanalyst's Notebook
COLUMNS
McCalls
Ladies' Home Journal
Published by Ballantlne Books
Compassion
and Self-Hate
An Alternative to Despair
Theodore Rubin, M.D.
I.
with Eleanor Rubin
BALLANTINE BOOKS • NEW YORK
Copyright <c) 1975 by El-Ted Rubin, Inc.
All rights reserved including the right to reproduce this book,
or parts thereof, in any form, except for the inclusion of brief
quotations in a review. Published in the United States by
Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New
York, and simultaneously in Canada by Ballantine Books of
Canada, Ltd., Toronto, Canada.
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 74-20325
ISBN 0-345-24885-6-195
This edition published by arrangement with David McKay
Company, Inc., New York
Manufactured in the United States of America
First Ballantine Books Edition: July, 1976
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I cannot begin this book without thanks to
Karen Horney, Nat Freeman and Paul Lussheimer,
who are no longer with us, and many of my
other former teachers and colleagues at the
American Institute for Psychoanalysis. Particular
thanks to Izz Portnoy, who more than anyone
else taught me the true meaning of the word.
I also thank my wife, my parents, my children^
and my patients and friends. thank Eleanor
I
Rawson, the toughest, the most insightful and
the best editor have ever had.
I

Contents
1. An Alternative to Despair
CONTENTS
vlii /
Forms of Self-Hate: Indirect 69
Illusions 73
Illusions Involving Self 80
Illusions Involving Self and Other People 88
Illusions Involving Self and the Human
Condition 91
The Grand Illusion 105
Impossible Standards, Unrealistic Goals,
Exorbitant Expectations 106
Boredom 111
Polarization and Superlatives 113
Self-Hate As a Way of Life 115
Compassion 119
III.
Compassion in Process 121
Origins of Compassion 123
Generating Compassion 127
Forms of Compassion: The Direct Way 131
Forms of Compassion: The Indirect Way 147
Destroying Illusions 147
Lowering Standards, Limiting Goals and
Reducing Expectations 152
The Move Against Boredom 156
Compassionate Shades of Gray 157
Compassionate Psychophilosophy: 159
Compassion As a Way of Life 159
y Am Because / Ami 160
Am
I I 163
/ Need, I Want, I Choose 166
/ Am Where I Am 171
Be Here Nowl 174
The Process Is the Product 177
/ Always Do My Best 179
Contracts, Consistency, Congruity 180
No 187
Participation and Performance 188