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“Michael C. LaSala’s research reveals a key truth: as difficult and painful as it can sometimes be to accept L
a loved one as LGBT, not accepting them is often more difficult and painful and can leave a permanent a
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fracture in the family. With compassion and patience, families can find their way through the coming out
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process to stronger and more honest relationships. In the end, parents want what is best for their children, L Coming Out
and what is best for children is the love and acceptance of parents.” a ,
Jody m. huCkaby, PFLAG National Executive Director
“A compassionate and insightful study of this challenging but rewarding rite of passage.”
miChael P. niChols, author of The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can
Improve Relationships and Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods Coming Home
“This wonderful book captures the very personal challenges and triumphs of the coming out process in
the words of sixty-five gay and lesbian youth and their parents. Their honest and touching comments
will be a great source of comfort to young people and families going through the process. A pioneering
study, it provides a very sensitive roadmap through the stages of this journey and will be a valuable tool
for psychotherapists, counselors, and family therapists. It should be required reading for everyone in the
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mental health field.”
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nanCy boyd-Franklin, Rutgers University, and author of Black Families in Therapy: m helping Families adjust
Understanding the African American Experience
i to a gay or lesbian Child
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“The stigma of gays and lesbians continues to wound, even in what should be more enlightened times; still
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caught in the fallout are parents. Research has begun to make sense of families with gay/lesbian children;
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science is getting a handle on the phenomena. This book adds color to the data, partly done through an
amazingly rich collection of interviews. It also arises from LaSala’s experiences, both as a gay man and as u
a counselor with more than twenty-five years of service. The colors are deep and the hues are magnificent t
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for many reasons, but especially for the honesty and integrity LaSala has brought to the task.” C
PatriCk w. Corrigan, Institute of Psychology, Illinois Institute of Technology o
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“LaSala develops a model that comprehensively analyzes the family dynamics before, during, and after a i
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child’s disclosure of his or her sexual orientation. A great deal of insight is gained by comparing the stories
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of the children and parents interviewed in this book.”
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yolanda C. Padilla, University of Texas at Austin
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“LaSala does a masterful job tackling the larger view of family adjustments.” m
david Jenkins, Texas Christian University e
“LaSala draws on years of working with families and their gay and lesbian children to write a warm and
wonderfully compassionate book. With insight and wisdom, his study examines very real and honest
stories of how gay and lesbian people cope with accepting their families and how parents and siblings
work to love and protect their offspring. It takes a remarkable look into the human condition of gay and
lesbian struggles in the twenty-first century, and I highly recommend it.”
gilbert herdt, San Francisco State University, and coauthor of Children of Horizons:
How Gay and Lesbian Teens are Leading a New Way Out of the Closet
miChael C. lasala, Ph.d. is director of the Master’s of Social Work Program
and associate professor at Rutgers University. In practice for more than twenty-five years, c
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he treats LGBT families and individuals at the Institute for Personal Growth in Highland
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Park, New Jersey. u
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Printed in the u.s.a. b
Cover image getty images ISBN: 978-0-231-14383-7 ia Michael C. LaSala, Ph.D.
Cover design Julia kushnirsky
Columbia university Press / new york 9 780231 143837
www.columbia.edu/cu/cup
coming out, coming home
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Coming Out,
Coming Home
Helping Families Adjust
to a Gay or Lesbian Child
Michael C. LaSala, Ph.D.
columbia university press new york
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columbia university press
Publishers Since 1893
New York Chichester, West Sussex
Copyright © 2010 Columbia University Press
All rights reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
LaSala, Michael C.
Coming out, coming home: helping families adjust to a gay or lesbian child /
Michael C. LaSala, Ph.D.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
isbn 978-0-231-14382-0 (cloth: alk. paper) — isbn 978-0-231-14383-7 (pbk.: alk. paper) —
isbn 978-0-231-51299-2 (e-book)
1. Parents of gays. 2. Gays—Family relationships. 3. Parent and child. I. Title.
HQ76.25.L36 2010
306.874—dc22 2009045335
Casebound editions of Columbia University Press books are printed
on permanent and durable acid-free paper.
Printed in the United States of America
c 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
p 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
References to Internet Web sites (URLs) were accurate at the time of writing.
Neither the author nor Columbia University Press is responsible for Web
sites that may have expired or changed since the book was prepared.
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this book is dedicated to
my parents, Michael LaSala and Carole Guardino LaSala,
my brother, Jaime LaSala,
my partner, Timothy Murphy,
the families in this study,
and all other sources of unconditional love.
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contents
foreword by monica mcgoldrick ix
preface xiii
acknowledgments xvii
1. Family Sensitization 1
2. Family Discovery: Youth Come Out 49
3. Family Discovery: Parents React 81
4. Family Recovery 134
5. Family Renewal: The Gift of the Gay or Lesbian Child 183
6. Race and Ethnicity 216
7. Areas for Future Research and Concluding Thoughts 231
appendix: research methodology 247
references 253
index 265
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foreword
Monica McGoldrick
Michael lasala has written a landmark study of
the experiences and relationships of parents and their chil-
dren in the coming-out process. It is a moving exploration of
families working through the disruption of finding out their children are
homosexual. Parents, as LaSala describes, “agonize that their children will
be unsafe as they launch them into a world where gay and lesbian youth
are discriminated against, assaulted, even murdered.” The important news is
that parents can buffer the effects of these harsh realities, so LaSala’s book
is essential reading for all clinicians working to facilitate family development
and connectedness.
LaSala’s narrative challenges many of the myths about family relation-
ships before, during, and after the coming-out process, such as the myth
that families cannot be close before they are open about their child’s homo-
sexuality. He conveys with touching descriptions that even though there is
avoidance about the homosexuality, parents and children may be very caring
and connected on many levels. What impressed and humbled him in doing
the study, he says, is the way the parents and children held on to each other
and even grew closer despite their fears and shattered expectations. Children
must try to figure out their own identities while working to stay connected
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