Closing the Deal: Two Married Guys Reveal the Dirty Truth to Getting Your Man to Commit

256 Pages·2006·2.47 MB·English

by  Richard Kirshenbaum

Closing the Deal
two married guys
take you from single miss
to wedded bliss
Richard
Kirshenbaum &
Daniel Rosenberg
with cartoons by Marisa Acocella Marchetto

To Natasha, Talia, Georgia,
and the next generation of
deal closers every where.
And to all girls who dream
about their wedding day.
C o n t e n t s
Introduction viii
11.. IIss HHeeNNoottTThhee OOnnee?? 1
The “Gloom or Groom in June”Quiz * Overdating and Underdating *
The “I Still Think He’s The One”Quiz * The “One Good Excuse”Rule”
22.. MMaarrkkeettiinngg MMaarrrriiaaggee 110011 21
Your Target Audience * Marriage Maneuvering * Marriage
Motivators * Marketing Marriage * An Asset Guide
33.. TThhee PPrriinncceessss aanndd tthhee PPeeee 43
Intimate Impressions * The Groom in the Bath and Bedroom Quiz *
The Definitive No-Nos for Dummies List
44.. WWhhaatt’’ss SShhee GGoott TThhaatt II HHaavveenn’’tt GGoott??
HHooww AAbboouutt aa MMaann?? 57
The How to Identify a Playa HataMini Quiz * The Ten MANments
55.. YYoouurr EEmmoottiioonnaall MMaakkeeuupp::
HHooww MMuucchh ttoo AAppppllyy?? 71
Your Monthly Visit from Aunt Flo * Dating Dealbreakers *
Our Attitude Aptitude Quiz
66.. TThhee SScchheehheerraazzaaddee FFaaccttoorr 93
The Modern-Day Scheherazade * Selling Scheherazade * The Yapper
Syndromes * Speech Spin
77.. MMeenn aanndd SSeexx:: TThhee MMoorree WWee WWrriittee AAbboouutt
IItt,, tthhee HHaarrddeerr IItt IIss 113
Chemistry * GASP! Generally Accepted Sexual Principles
88.. TThhee AArrtt ooff tthhee BBlluuffff:: IIff YYoouu LLoovvee
Soommeeoonnee,, SSeett HHiimm FFrreeee 133
Why Bluffs Work * Is He Primed? * The Bluff Checklist
99.. CCuuttttiinngg BBaaiitt 153
Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself * Somewhere or Nowhere *
How and Where * Talk It Up
1100.. CClloossiinngg YYoouurr BBiigg FFaatt MMuullttiiccuullttii
Weeddddiinngg 167
The Melting Pot * Compromise: A Golden Rule * Religion *
Carla * Alice * Karin
1111.. SSuucccceessssffuull WWoommeenn:: SSuucccceessssffuull DDeeaall
Clloosseerrss 193
The Shrink * The Cartoonist * The Writer * The Ziegfeld Girl *
The Miss America
1122.. TThhee RRuulleess ooff EEnnggaaggeemmeenntt 215
The Mind of the Engaged Man * Engagement Explosions
Endnote 227
Glossary 229
Acknowledgments 233
Contents vi
About the Authors
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher
Introduction
you know her.
She ’s a smart, attractive woman with a great sense of humor
and a shoe closet to match. She may be your best friend, your
colleague, or even you.
It’s not that men aren’t interested. They are. In fact, there
have been quite a few men along the way. Not over double digits,
mind you. She ’s still a lady, albeit a modern one. Sure, men have a
habit of sniffing or sticking around, but why can’t she—or, better
yet, you—get that everlasting commitment? Why can’t you close
the deal?
We ’re glad you asked.
What you really need is a guy’s opinion. Or, perhaps, two
guys’ opinions: men who were single and afraid of commitment
but who traveled to the Other Side, men who came to the eventual
realization that marriage isn’t just for women and homosexuals
anymore. What were the factors that contributed to our even-
tual change of heart? We ’re going to explain it to you in the same
fashion that your boyfriend would, if he could only learn how to
communicate.
We are two fairly sane, happily married men (spit three times,
say our wives) who wanted to write a book for women who want
to close the deal but may not know how—women who want to be
smarter about how they approach relationships. We figured that if
we could successfully bestow this knowledge upon women earlier
viii
in their dating careers, especially ones who want to experience
childbirth with their spouses, then we will have accomplished our
goal. And that would be a great thing for both women and the men
they date.
But what, you ask, makes us qualified to write a book about re-
lationships and make rash generalizations while telling you things
you may not want to hear (like the truth)?
We think the very fact that we ’re not therapists, relationship
counselors, doctors, or women makes us uniquely eligible to share
insights that really matter. We don’t know any of the impressive
professional vernacular that ’s been “scientifically” proven to
score men. We ’re just regular guys who know what speaks to
other regular guys. Our logic is that when one decides to learn
how to skydive, one should ask a paratrooper who’s done it rather
than a physicist who’s studied it.
We have spent our lives around mothers, sisters, aunts, and other
female relatives and friends, which has made us well equipped to
give you the kind of advice we give to all the women in our lives—
and there are many. Mostly, though, it has been our friends and
(some) relatives who have successfully taken our advice and who
have encouraged us to share it with the rest of womanity. In fact,
just this past weekend, one of Daniel’s longest projects, a woman
who shall remain nameless (but she knows who she is), finally got
married after handling her latest relationship like a seasoned deal
closer.
We also know a lot about men—not just because we are men,
but because it’s our job to know. Between us, we have spent a great
deal of our professional lives marketing to men, creating TV com-
mercials and developing and producing movies and television
shows for the male (and female) market; attending focus groups,
reviewing research, and looking at trends. No, we are not about to
say that you have to use marketing techniques to sell yourself and
the idea of marriage to your man. We are, however, going to sug-
gest that there are interesting parallels between the two situations.
ix Introduction