Catch The Jew!

486 Pages·2015·15.06 MB·English

by  Tuvia Tenenbom

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Copyright © Tuvia Tenenbom
Jerusalem 2015/5775
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be translated,
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form
or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording
or otherwise, without express written permission from the
publishers.
Cover drawing: Shay Charka
Typesetting: Raphaël Freeman, Renana Typesetting
Photographs in book taken by: Florian Krauss, Jan Sulzer, and Isi
Tenenbom
ISBN: 978-965-229-798-3
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Gefen Publishing House Ltd.
6 Hatzvi Street
Jerusalem 94386, Israel
972-2-538-0247
[email protected]
Gefen Books
11 Edison Place
Springfield, NJ 07081
516-593-1234
[email protected]
www.gefenpublishing.com
Printed in Israel Send for our free catalog
Library of Congress Control Number: 2014954970
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This book is dedicated to my wife and partner, Isi Tenenbom, who
never feared joining me wherever the wind blew, safe or not, ever
sharing with me the brightest of ideas and offering me the loveliest of
smiles.
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Praise for Catch the Jew!
REVIEWS OF THE HEBREW EDITION OF CATCH THE JEW!
“A literary sensation.”
Haaretz
“A brilliant book.”
Maariv
“The most important book I have read in the last five years.”
Channel 2
“The best book in the bookstore!”
Galei Zahal
“The humor in Catch the Jew! is razor sharp, it is highly intellectual
and it’s so funny that it will bring tears to your eyes.… Tuvia is
curious as a cat, sly as a fox, friendly as a Labrador, and is also a man
with seismographic sensitivities.”
Mida
“One of the funniest books I’ve read in years – and one of the most
heartbreaking. Here is the Middle East conflict as you have never
experienced it before. Tuvia Tenenbom is a brilliant satirist and an
extraordinary reporter. Beware: This book is like a pungent French
cheese – for connoisseurs of truth only.”
Yossi Klein Halevi, senior fellow, Shalom Hartman Institute
“A fascinating, picturesque book by a picturesque author.”
Yedioth Ahronoth
“Funny, shocking, depressing documentation of anti-Semitism and
self-hatred.”
Makor Rishon
“Run to your nearest bookstore and pick up a copy. . . . I haven’t
laughed this hard out loud in a long time. . . . This book is a must
for anyone who wants to formulate an independent opinion on the
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reality in this region.”
Israel Hayom
“It’s been a long time since a book affected me so deeply.”
Walla
Praise for Tuvia Tenenbom’s previous work
“Bluntly satirical.” “Emotionally explosive . . . irresistibly fascinating
. . . seductive . . . engaging.”
New York Times
“Hugely entertaining, terribly funny, sarcastic, engaging, powerful,
accusatory, judgmental, good!”
National Review
“Every word that comes out of Tenenbom’s pen can set the world on
fire.”
Forward
“Tuvia Tenenbom is Michael Moore and Borat in one.”
Die Welt (Germany)
“Tenenbom rides the razor’s edge . . . and goes all the way off.”
Amsterdam News
“Tenenbom’s laughter touches our soul in places where mere
intellect could never reach.”
Die Zeit (Germany)
“A force of nature . . . provocative, satirical, intellectual.”
La Repubblica (Italy)
“He sees and he hears. Exactly as it is.”
Frankfurter Rundschau (Germany)
“Courageous . . . without shame.”
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News1 (Israel)
“An anarchist.”
Stern (Germany)
“Tenenbom dares.”
La Razon (Spain)
“Brilliant.”
Deutschlandradio (Germany)
“Tenenbom’s hodgepodge of politics, zealotry and literary genres is
fresh and audacious.”
The Village Voice
“A mystical provocateur.”
Le Monde (France)
Tuvia Tenenbom is a political dramatist and journalist. His articles
and essays have been published in newspapers including Die Zeit of
Germany, Corriere della Sera of Italy, and Yedioth Ahronoth of Israel
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as well as on various internet sites. In addition, Tuvia is a columnist
for Zeit Online and Forward. Tuvia, who holds advanced degrees in
both fine arts and science, is also the founder and artistic director of
The Jewish Theater of New York.
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Contents
Acknowledgments and Thanks
Introduction
Farewell and Welcome
Armed with a wink and a smile from a beautiful Turkish lady, I
start my journey to the Holy Land.
Gate One
What happens when the feminine side of God, the son of God, and
the messenger of God meet a sexy German girl who helps the
Arabs because she loves the Jews?
Gate Two
Did you ever try Islamic beer? Would you like to be blessed by the
rabbi of Auschwitz? Would you like to date a Jewish Taliban
lady? How would a rabbi know that his wife is menstruating?
Gate Three
Would you like to join thousands of dead Jews guarded by a
German convert?
Gate Four
Facts: No Jewish state ever existed here. Jews must pay Arabs for
five years of music training. Palestine was founded fourteen
thousand years ago.
Gate Five
An American Jew loves his old mama so much that he wants to
see her homeless.
Gate Six
An Israeli soldier detains President Barack Obama.
Gate Seven
Little white Jew doesn’t want to marry little black Jew. German
teenagers wouldn’t mind watching Jews being stoned. A soldier
drives nine hours to meet his dead comrade.
Gate Eight
An American Jewish lady finds the Jewish libido and an Israeli
biblical expert can’t recall the Book of Isaiah.
Gate Nine
A man who invented three words, Na Nakh Nakhman, changes a
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