But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships

213 Pages·2001·1.3 MB·English

by  Jill Murray

BUT
I LOVE HIM
Protecting
Your Teen Daughter
from Controlling, Abusive
Dating Relationships
Dr. Jill Murray
To Frank, Jennifer, and Michael,
the three most beautiful people in the world.
You make life worth living.
I love you dearly.
Contents
Acknowledgments v
Introduction: Our Daughters Are in Danger 1
1. What Is Teen Dating Abuse? 7
2. Verbal and Emotional Abuse: The First Level of
Violence 22
3. Sexual Abuse: The Second Level of Violence 40
4. Physical Abuse: The Third Level of Violence 50
5. Warning Signs: Recognizing Abusive Teenage
Relationships 58
6. What’s He Thinking? How to Spot a Potential Abuser 68
7. Why Girls Choose Abusive Relationships 77
8. Infatuation, Addictive Love, and Mature Love 85
9. The Role of Alcohol and Drugs 102
10. How to Prevent Abuse in the First Place: Family
Dynamics 115
11. Girls Who Abuse Boys 131
12. Why Teens Don’t Tell: How to Talk to Your Daughter
About Abuse 138
13. Medical, Legal, and Psychological Interventions:
Confronting Abuse 148
14. Who Will Our Daughters Become? What We Want
for Girls in an Ideal World 164
Resources 179
Index 185
About the Author
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher
Acknowledgments
THE CINDERELLA STORY that is this book has been driven last
by me and first by so many wonderful people.
First and foremost, to the residents of Laura’s House, a domestic-
violence shelter: There aren’t any women in the history books who
are more courageous than you. Your strength and desire to give
your children better lives has inspired me daily and indeed was the
inspiration for this book.
My literary agents, Arielle Ford and Brian Hilliard: You and your
staff have been so wonderful to work with. I look forward to many
more projects together.
My publisher, Judith Regan, and senior editor Cassie Jones: Words
cannot adequately express the gratitude I feel for you. Thank you
so much for believing in this book. Because you took a stand here,
so many girls and their families will be helped.
My editor, Stephanie Gunning: You are not only a fine editor but
also one of the funniest women I know. Working with an obsessive-
compulsive writer couldn’t have been much of a treat, but you
never let on. I will miss our daily phone conversations, faxes, and
vi / BUT I LOVE HIM
e-mails. Your commitment to the book, along with the vision we
shared, created something truly important.
Dr. Paul Fick, my mentor, a generous friend, and a brilliant ther-
apist: You set all the wheels in motion for me and then stood back,
thrilled about each of my accomplishments. I owe so many of them
to you.
Myra Gordon, my “sister” and dearest friend: Where would I be
today if not for you?
Oprah Winfrey: Because of the invitation you offered me to appear
on your show, so many young girls were able to leave their abusive
relationships. Your dedication to educating your viewers about do-
mestic violence is more than commendable. You change lives every
day.
Dr. Nicki Pike, my guide on so many travels: Thank you for your
humor in dark times and the wisdom and clarity that lifted so many
veils.
Dr. Raylene Goltra, the sweetest woman alive, with the unwaver-
ing strength that I hope to emulate: Thank you for your unconditional
love.
Dr. Donald Rowen, a most lovely man with a kind and open heart.
The staff and faculty at American Behavioral Studies Institute:
Your love, support, and pride in me kept me going through tragedy
and triumph.
Andrea Fox: You are so much more than a mother-in-law but also
a wonderful friend. I feel so blessed to have you in my life.
To the three angels who make my life worthwhile:
My husband, Dr. Frank Murray III: Your devotion to me as a
woman, wife, therapist, and best friend inspires everything I do. I
love you.
My twins, Jennifer and Michael: Thank you for the gift you have
given me; to wake up each morning and go to sleep at night knowing
that I am the mother of two such extraordinary human beings made
this book possible.
Introduction
Our Daughters Are in Danger
THE IDEA for this book came from my experience as a therapist at
Laura’s House, a battered women and children’s shelter in Southern
California. In treating more than two hundred women over a two-
year period, I found that virtually all of them began their abusive
dating relationships while in high school. Many of my clients were
hardly older than children themselves: eighteen to twenty-two, some
with two children and another on the way. Many had had children
with more than one abuser. Many had been kicked in their pregnant
stomachs, choked, and punched in the face, and arrived at the shelter
with cracked ribs, a broken jaw, or clumps of hair pulled out. Most
were bright young women who had had promising futures before
they became involved with their abusers. By the time they arrived
at the shelter, they were just tired and beaten down, both physically
and emotionally.
Certain patterns emerged from talking with my clients about their
lives. Many were confused about the signs of abuse and at first had
considered their husband’s or boyfriend’s jealousy, possessiveness,
control, and isolating behaviors very flattering. Most then
2 / BUT I LOVE HIM
went on to involve themselves in more than a dozen such relation-
ships, each evolving in the same way, beginning with verbal and
emotional abuse and developing into sexual and physical abuse.
These women were Caucasian, African-American, Hispanic, Asian,
Middle Eastern, Australian, Canadian, South American, and Western
European. One client held two master’s degrees from an Ivy League
university; another was a Virginia heiress. It really didn’t matter
what their level of wealth or poverty, education, color, or ethnicity;
they all shared the same patterns of abusive relationships.
The therapists and staff at the shelter were able to help some of
these women see that they didn’t have to live that way anymore. I
still hear from several past clients who regularly update me on their
personal successes. Others couldn’t imagine a life without their ab-
users and went back for more. In fact, statistically speaking, an ab-
used woman will go back to her abuser seven to nine times before
she leaves for good…if she isn’t dead. Often my clients acquired
“nostalgia amnesia” and suddenly couldn’t recall all the horrible
things their abusers had done, the things that had led them to snatch
their kids from their sleep and leave in the middle of the night
without so much as a toothbrush. As a therapist, I became determ-
ined to get to the roots of the problem before lives reached these
crisis proportions and children became involved in the abuse as
well.
Armed with the knowledge I’d gained working at the shelter, I
began a program in local high schools, educating teenagers about
abusive dating relationships. I was bowled over by the response.
Teens spoke openly about jealousy being synonymous with love.
They told me that to them the word bitch was a term of endearment.
Boys didn’t think that pushing a girl against a wall or grabbing her
face or breasts was abusive—it was merely an attention-getting
device. I was stunned to find that both genders felt that punching a
hole in a wall or window was an acceptable way to release anger.
Girls were in tears during my lectures, and both boys and girls stayed
after class to discuss their relationships with me.
Word about these lectures spread quickly among educators, and