Breaking the Addiction to Please: Goodbye Guilt

175 Pages·2009·2.02 MB·English

by  Les Barbanell

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SELF-HELP (cid:129) PSYCHOTHERAPY A
R
B
A BREAKING THE
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“In his strikingly accessible language, Les Barbanell elegantly uncovers what lies at the
L
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base of many individuals’ relentless quest to help. He clearly establishes the existence
of a ‘care addiction’ that is used by the personality to mask longstanding emotional
problems.” —William J. Coburn, Ph.D., Psy.D., editor of the International ADDICTION
Journal of Psychoanalytic Self-Psychology
B
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“This powerful and easy-to-read book offers a template for change and reminds us
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that pleasing others can serve as a cover-up for underlying confl ict and trauma. Les
TO PLEASE
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Barbanell creatively guides us through steps that send a clear message of ‘goodbye guilt’
k
and ‘hello real, intimate connections’ without the need to accommodate to excess.”
—Alison Prince Hammonds, LCSW, BCD, LPC, DAPA, ATR-BC i
n
g
Many people are responsible for taking care of an aging parent, an ailing spouse, or a

handicapped child, and do so out of love, devotion, or obligation. But there are other t
less benign caretakers in our midst. These people have an excessive need to be needed, h
and they assume the caretaking role due to unconscious motivations over which they
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have little control. This addiction to pleasing others can be as debilitating as substance

addictions. A GOODBYE
d
Breaking the Addiction to Please: d GUILT
• Shows readers how to recognize the presence of a “care addiction” i
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in themselves or loved ones;
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• Explains how the kindness of the care addict is self-serving;
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• Helps readers determine through a self-scoring quiz where their o
selfl essness falls on the scale from benign to addiction; and
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• Provides discussion and exercises to help the care addict diminish the

effects of guilt and live a more balanced life. t
o
LES BARBANELL is a current instructor, supervisor, and training analyst at the New Jersey
P
Institute for Training in Teaneck, New Jersey. He has published articles on narcissism,
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group therapy, adolescence, and sports psychology. He is the author of Removing the e
Mask of Kindness: The Diagnosis and Treatment of the Caretaker Personality (Jason Aronson, a
2006). s
e
For orders and information please contact the publisher
Jason Aronson
LES BARBANELL
An imprint of Rowman & Littlefi eld Publishers, Inc.
4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200
Lanham, Maryland 20706
ARONSON
1-800-462-6420 image credit
www.rowmanlittlefi eld.com
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BREAKING THE
ADDICTION
TO PLEASE

BREAKING THE
ADDICTION
TO PLEASE
G G
OODBYE UILT
Les Barbanell
Jason Aronson
Lanham • Boulder • New York • Toronto • Plymouth, UK
Published by Jason Aronson
An imprint of Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.
A wholly owned subsidiary of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing
Group, Inc.
4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706
http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com
Estover Road, Plymouth PL6 7PY, United Kingdom
Copyright © 2009 by Jason Aronson Publishers
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any
form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information
storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the
publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Barbanell, Les, 1941-
Breaking the addiction to please : goodbye guilt / Les Barbanell.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-7657-0674-4 (cloth : alk. paper) — ISBN 978-0-7657-0676-8
(ebook)
1. Selflessness (Psychology) 2. Caregivers—Mental health. 3.
Personality disorders. I. Title.
RC553.S45B37 2009
616.85’854—dc22
2009033227
(cid:2) ™
The paper used in this publication meets the minimum
requirements of American National Standard for Information
Sciences—Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials,
ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.
Printed in the United States of America
To those who would be too kind:
Remove the mask and you will see,
what you hadn’t seen before.
If you are willing to embrace your past,
even you could ask for more.

CONTENTS
PREFACE ix
1 SELFLESSNESS AS AN ADDICTION 1
2 THE ROLE OF THE UNCONSCIOUS 13
3 MASK OR MASQUERADE? 29
4 WHEN BEING GOOD GOES BAD 45
5 THE ILLUSION OF CLOSENESS 65
6 PRIMED TO PLEASE 87
7 THE PURSUIT OF THE LOST SELF 99
8 LIFE BEYOND TRAUMA 109
9 THREE RS: REBUILDING,
RETRAINING, RECOVERY 121
10 ONCE A PLEASE ADDICT, ALWAYS A
PLEASE ADDICT? 139
vii
CONTENTS
EPILOGUE 147
GLOSSARY 151
REFERENCES 155
INDEX 157
ABOUT THE AUTHOR 161
viii
PREFACE
At some point in life many of us have been or will be
responsible for taking care of an aging parent, sibling
or intimate who is ill or in decline. Or perhaps the depen-
dent is a child, handicapped individual or an ailing friend.
Being in any of these positions is usually motivated by
obligation, devotion, love or any combination thereof. In
another context taking care of others is associated with
the career choice of a helping profession such as nursing,
psychology, psychiatry, social work, counseling, physical
and occupational therapy, teaching and religion among
others. In addition to the financial rewards, the moti-
vation here might be related to satisfying a need to be
needed and/or the joy of influencing the life of another
in a positive way. People who choose to give their time,
attention and energy to others on a consistent basis either
personally or professionally, I refer to as caretakers or
caregivers in the traditional sense.
ix