Birth of an Adoptive, Foster or Stepmother: Beyond Biological Mothering Attachments

258 Pages·2003·0.84 MB·English

by  Barbara Waterman

The Birth of an Adoptive,
Foster or Stepmother
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The Birth of an Adoptive, Foster
or Stepmother
Beyond Biological Mothering
Attachments
Barbara Waterman
Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and New York
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For Bernard, Heidi and Lisa who have lived it with me
Acknowledgments
Iamindebtedtomytheoreticalmentors–livingandpassedon–whose
booksaredog-eared,underlinedandwrittenalloverbecauseIhavedevel-
opedarelationshipwiththeminmymind,aidingmeinmydevelopment
as a clinician, supervisor, woman and mother: Anne Alvarez, Jessica
Benjamin,WilfredR.Bion,AllanN.SchoreandDonaldW.Winnicott.To
Daniel N. Stern I am grateful for fortuitously discovering his book The
MotherhoodConstellation at the Psychoanalytic Institute of Northern Cali-
forniaatatimewhenIwasdesperateforsuchaframeworkasastepmother.
Myideasaboutfoster,adoptiveandstepmother/childbondinghavebeen
largely organized around the themes subsumed in Stern’s analysis of the
passage into motherhood.
My profound thanks to those friends and colleagues who introduced
metoarticlesandideaswhichhavepointedmeinnewclinical/theoretical
and mothering directions: Mary Hope Dean, John Gibbins, Brian
Feldman, Toni Vaughn Heineman, Alicia Lieberman, Barbara McSwain,
Audrey Punnett, Caroline Purves, Jane Reynolds, Margaret Rossoff,
Stephen Seligman, Annie Sweetnam, Maureen Wallace and Kristina
Whitney.ForcriticalinputaboutearlierversionsofthisworkIamobliged
to Norma Campbell Barnett, Mardy Ireland, Elise Miller, Kitty Moore,
Noelle Oxenhandler and Sharon Bass Scott.
To my sandplay process mentors, my heartfelt appreciation for their
help in refashioning myself from an overly developed thinking function
colleague into one who can better hold the opposites by accessing my
intuitive function, so I could overcome my poetry anxiety and let the pen
(okay so it was a computer) write me: Kate Amatruda, Florence
Grossenbacher and Janet Tatum.
I am indebted to my painting instructor, Joanne Yeaton, and the
members of our painting group – including Ellen Becker, Lauren
Cunningham,KateDonohue,KynaMarieSnyderandFrancesTobriner–
for bearing witness to my arduous journey through infertility and
adoption, for pollinating my painting process, and for holding me in my
6
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS / 7
grief,emotionallyandspiritually,untilIwasabletofindtheportal,meant
for me, through which to enter the ‘motherhood mindset.’
Thisworkwouldnothavecometofruitionwithoutthetwomidwives
for my metaphoric baby, my written voice. Diane Ehrensaft and Harvey
Peskin believed in my agency as a writer before I discovered the
confidencetomakeitmanifest.Havingreadmyworkfromthetimewhen
these ideas were still in my ‘unthought known,’ Diane has unfailingly
encouraged me from conception through gestation of this book. Harvey
proffered me the temenos out of which I could create my ‘go-
ing-on-writing,’ to paraphrase Winnicott’s description of the mother’s
facilitation of her baby’s ‘going-on-being.’ With unbelievable patience,
theyhaveeachreadinnumerabledrafts,impelledmetoreflectharderand
write better (overcoming my Teutonic sentence structure has been a
challengesinceGermanwasmyfirstlanguage),andhavefosteredbothmy
thinkingaboutandlivingexperienceof theperspectivecontainedinthis
book with their critiques, dialogue with me and unwavering faith in my
project.Iamineffablybeholdentobothofthesefriendsfortheirintellec-
tual and emotional insights, and companionship throughout the
demanding journey of birthing a book.
Tothosewhohavebeenthedoulasofmysoul(seechapter6)Igivemy
promise that I will pass on their generously shared ch’i (life energy): Jane
Dixon, Jean Johnston, Ginny Reis and Ann Smith. I would never have
made it through the night as a mother or a psychologist without my
spiritualcomadres:MarilynChilcoate,RomaHeillig-Morris,JoyceLaMar,
ArleneOno,NestaRovina,MarcellaReevesandAhbiVernon.Doygraciasa
mi Virgencita y La Pachamama por iluminar mi alma [I give thanks to my
Virgencita and Mother Earth for illuminating my soul path].
Each of the men and women who shared their own parenting
narratives with me offered something different from their experience
which I could use as part of my internal supporting matrix, and which,
withtheirgenerosity,Icanpassontootherswhomightbecomforted,feel
less alone, or reflect about a parenting knot differently thanks to their
hard-earned wisdom in the foster, adoptive and stepparenting trenches.
Mypatientsandtheirparents,whotaughtmesomuchofvalue,haverichly
rewarded me. Steve Austin, Gregg and Jessica Bernstein, and Maxine
Turrett all gave me unique and deeply appreciated boosts as I faltered
along my stepmother journey.
8 / THEBIRTHOFANADOPTIVE,FOSTERORSTEPMOTHER
I knew I had found my publishing ‘home’ when my editor, Amy
Lankester-Owen, mapped out the book’s gestation with me in our first
phone conversation. For her fine editing I am grateful on behalf of my
readers.FortheirclericalandresearchhelpIthankErinAlderete,Oriana
Lisker and Heidi Lubin.
Tomyhusband,BernardLubin,Iproffermydeepestrespectandlove.