Table Of Content“These survivors hit their mark in helping to change the con-
versation about borderline personality disorder (BPD), from
one of fear and misunderstanding to one of empathy, evidence-
based treatment, and hope. BPD is a relatively new DSM diag-
nosis with a ten percent suicide rate—a nd relatively new
evidence-b ased treatments. Studies show that nearly forty
percent of individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder in fact
have BPD, as the editors note. These BPD survivors describe
more stable, less chaotic lives, as well as pure gratitude for the
mental health professionals who diagnosed their BPD and pro-
vided either evidence-b ased treatment or otherwise compas-
sionate and committed care.”
—J im Payne, former president of the
National Alliance on Mental Illness
“Saying that these are important stories is not enough. These
are essential stories, to be read and digested by anyone with
BPD, anyone who has a loved one with BPD, and any profes-
sionals (not just mental health professionals) who work with
people with BPD. These wonderful and courageous authors
help us understand their suffering, and then show us how they
created hope, and a life worth living, from the depths of
despair. This is truly an educational and inspirational book.”
—A lan E. Fruzzetti, PhD, professor and director of
dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and research
program department of psychology at the University
of Nevada, Reno
“This compelling book grasps the tragedy and suffering of
BPD in a way that I hope will reduce some of the stigma of the
disorder. I am quite happy to see they have included stories of
people finding their way out of hell. It is important to appreci-
ate that once in hell, it is possible to climb out of it.”
—M arsha Linehan, PhD, ABPP, developer of
dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)
BEYOND
BORDERLINE
TRUE STORIES OF RECOVERY
FROM BORDERLINE
PERSONALITY DISORDER
E d i t E d b y
J O H N G . G U N D E R S O N , M D
P E R R Y D . H O F F M A N , P h D
N e w H a r b i n g e r P u b l i c a t i o n s , I n c .
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in
regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher
is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services.
If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional
should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2016 by John G. Gunderson and Perry D. Hoffman
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup; Interior design by Michele Waters-Kermes;
Acquired by Melissa Valentine; Edited by Brady Kahn
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
TK
18 17 16
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 First Printing
Contents
Foreword v
Introduction 1
1. Anguish Management 5
2. Leting the Light In 14
3. I Am Not Just a Box in the DSM-5 23
4. You Talk and Don’t Know That I Listen 30
5. Dangerous to Delightful 37
6. Persisting Hope 46
7. I f I Were to Tell You That I Have a Disorder
That Affects Only 2 Percent of the Population,
What Would Your Reaction Be? 51
8. Restoration 56
9. Trust No One 62
10. Just Like a Timepiece 70
1. Breaking Bad 79
12. On the Other Side 85
Beyond Borderline
13. Survivor 91
14. How to Build and Bust a Life 99
15. I Am a Scientist 107
16. There Is a Yolk Under Those Shels 114
17. M y Destructive Patterns Characterizing My
Borderline Personality 123
18. Walking 127
19. Treatment at Haliwick 137
20. Reasons 145
21. Angry Al the Time 152
22. From Numbness to Happiness 159
23. Mosaic of a Fractured Self 164
24. Riding the Waves 168
Afterword 173
Acknowledgments 177
Notes 179
iv
Foreword
by Brandon Marshall
For five years my life was a living hell. I had no clue what was
going on. I spent years talking to doctors—s ometimes three or
four in one week. It wasn’t until I received the diagnosis of
borderline personality disorder that I was able to grab hold of
my life. People only saw what was unfolding on ESPN—t he
DUI arrest, the domestic disputes—t hat was the story the
public was absorbing. What they didn’t see—c ouldn’t possibly
know—w as the days I sat in a dark room, the days that went
by when I didn’t utter a single word, and the persistent game of
dramatic emotional changes that was going on inside me.
When I got the diagnosis I immediately felt better. I under-
stood, I could be understood, and I could be treated. After
doing the work, I earned my life back.
At McLean Hospital I decided to tell my story to the world.
I had millions of people at my disposal through my platform—
millions would hear my story. Maybe it was impulsivity that
made me decide to go public. Dr. Gunderson sat me down and
explained how vulnerable I would make myself. He talked
about how the announcement would publicly magnify my
symptoms and life. To be honest, he wasn’t thrilled about my
plan. He wanted to be certain I was ready. In any event, I am
Beyond Borderline
glad I followed this path, and I also greatly admire those who
have decided to tell their stories in this book. I expect it was
liberating for them just as it was for me. I look forward to a
time when others will go public about their trials and hope-
fully with their triumphs with this trying disorder. The louder
our voices, the more we will be heard. BPD is treatable, and
people do not need to stay in the mental health system forever,
unlike many other diagnoses.
My time at McLean Hospital presented me with some of
the most phenomenally challenging experiences of my life
thus far. Taking my life back meant losing what I thought was
the most important part of me—t he fabric of my being, the
things that made up the football player that I had been my
whole life. I can never explain the feeling I felt when we got to
the root of my issues with anger and fears of abandonment. I
can still remember uncovering those issues like it was yester-
day. There were so many times I found myself sitting in Dr.
Gunderson’s office, my eyes welling with tears. The realization
—t he spark—r evealed a heart filled with anger, pain, resent-
ment, and sadness. My heart. The waves of emotion were pro-
found and liberating.
I always tell people that while at McLean Hospital I dis-
covered what life was really about. I didn’t get my old life back.
When I left, I was a totally different person. My eyes opened
up to allow me to be my better self—a different person. I
understood what I was feeling. I learned to validate those feel-
ings and those of others. I also learned how to talk about those
feelings. When I read the stories in this book, those memories
return and I feel deeply for my fellow patients with BPD. This
time it is not the feelings of anger and fear that tormented me
iv
Foreword
when I began my recovery; it is feelings of sympathy and hope
that I had not known before.
I left with the tools to cope and manage it all. I realized
that the fight wasn’t over, but I was and remain confident that
I have the tools and skills to manage life’s challenges so I can
have a healthy and effective life.
Looking back now, I know the most impactful part of all
of the time I spent at McLean happened in the first week I was
there. I was invited to a workshop comprised of doctors, clini-
cians, and patients. The most powerful voices of all were those
of the patients.
Their stories gave me hope. This wonderful collection of
stories by people with BPD who are in the process of recovery
offers the same powerful message of hope to the many others
whose BPD is untreated or is, too often, still not diagnosed.
I hope readers will join me in advocating for better aware-
ness, and better treatment for those suffering as I have from
borderline personality disorder. In hope, life springs back, and
for me a purpose beyond football and family was laid before
me. All of the patients in this book, and its readers, are now a
part of that purpose.
vii
