apology to uz a hinnelu

104 Pages·2007·27.46 MB·English

APOLOGY TO UZ A HINNELU
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
UPS DUD THUS
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Runnino
Senior Editors: Tony Hendra, Scan Kelly Editor: RJ.O'Rourke
tin Dirt-dor: Peter Kleinman
Executive Editor: Gerald Sussman Managing Editor: Peter J- Kaminsky
I was driving along taking this kid Associate Editors: Ted Mann, Dannv Ahclson, Ellis Weiner
downtown to the hack bureau to get a
Senior Copy Editor: Louise Gikow Projects Copy Editor: Susan Devins
license, the dopey schmuck (I don't Art Director: Skip Jclmston
know why he wants to drive a cab). Associate Art Director'^: Diana Feldman, Lisa Lemivit;
And I was telling him stories about Art Associate: Marc Greene
my early days as a cabdrivcr back in Art Assistants: Alison Antonoff, Phyllis Hochberg
the twenties, when 1 was a kid. Just as Dc'Mfjn Coordinator: Svlvia Grant
I am about to cross Canal Street head _______________Submissioiis_Edjtpr: julie Simmorts_______________
ing toward the Municipal buildings, I Contributing Editors: Chris Clues*, Jeff GreenfielJ, John Hughes,
get a shot from this broad in a Buick Stu Kreisman, Mitcli Markowit:, Rex Mav, R. Bruce Moodv,
with New Jersey plates who went Emilv Prayer, Marc Rubin, Ed Suhit:kv, John Weidman
through a light. She took half my Contnbutinf; Arnst>: Neal Adams, Arkv & Barren,
right fender and part of my door, and M.K. Brown, Chris Browne, Chris Callis, Dennis Chalkin,
a few of my teeth for good measure. Gil Eisner, Randall Enos, Sharv Flenniken, Dick Frank, Matthew Goldman,
The kid in the back was O.K., but I Sam Gross, Garv Hallgren, Ronald G. Harris, Matthew Klein,
got a real good zetz in my back that Phil Koeiu", Alan Kuppcrherg, Bobby London, Stan Mack, Mara McAfee,
laid me up for a couple of months. Wavne McLiuighlin, Rick Meverowitc, Don Putichat:,
I'm suing the broad for a hundred Ralph Reese, Charles Rodrignes, Alan Rose, Norman Rubington,
Warren Sattler, Neil Selkirk, John Walker, Galian Wilson, Nancy Wood
thou. I got this doctor that retouches
X-rays. I'm going to nail that cunr. Production Manager: George Agoglia, Jr.
So what I'm getting at is that I was Director of Circulation: George S. Agoglia, Sr.
out of commission for all this time. I Administrative Assistant/Press Coordinator: Barbara Sabatino
got into the accident right in the Office Manager: Penny Summer
middle of a story I was telling about Publishing Directors: Matty Simmons. Len Mogel
my first days as a cabdriver. Like I Publisher: William T. Lippe
said, I started when I was fourteen. I The National Lampoon, Inc.
was a big, strong kid, and nobody is a subsidiary of Twenty First Century Communications, Inc.
questioned my age. I really thought I Chairman: Matty Simmons President: Leonard Mogel
was hot shit in those days, driving my Sr. Vice-President: George S. Agoglia, Sr.
own cab, making good tips, meeting Vice-President, Advertising Sales: William T. Lippe
Vice-President, Finance: Charles Schneider
all kinds of bimbos and flappers who
Vice-President, Subscriptions and Product Sales: Howard Jurofsky
wanted to fuck my eyebrows off. I
told you how Mayor Jimmy Walker Advertising Offices, New York: Herman Broun. Jr., Advertising Manager,
Ingrid V Jacobson, Akoholic Beverage Manager, Douglas N. Roedcr, Account Executive
adopted me like a son and taught me National Lampoon, M5 Matimm Ave., New York. NY. 10022 (2121 686-407C.
all the ropes. I met the biggest people Chicago; William H. Sankc, Midw«t AJvert.-.nE Director, 360 N. Michigan Aw., Chicago, 111. 60601 (312) 3-16-7145
West Coasi: Lowell Fn^ VM*UH".. In01"i Vcmtira Blvd.. Encino, Calif. 9l43o (213) WO- 2.050
in the country through Jimmy. Jimmy Smithern Offices: H.\'. Brown Associates.
used to like to take me to those all- 5825 CleorKlge Dr. N.E , Building 2- Suite 116. Atlanta. Ga. 30328 (4041 252-Q820.
night after-hours parties where you NATIONAL LAMPOON" MAGAZINE: "National Lampoon" is a registered trademark of National Lam
poon, Inc The Lampoon name is ii'.ed with the permission of [he Harvard Lampoon. Inc. Copyright £ |Q77.
drank the real booze, not that piss National Lampoon, Inc.. 635 Madison Avenue. New York-. N'.Y 10022 Ail right* reserved. Nothing may be
reprinted in whole or in part without written pt-rmi-'i.«, trum the publisher. Any similarity to real people and
they made in the bathtub, places in fiction and semi-fiction i- purely coincidenr.il II1 BSCR1PT1ONS: Published monthly by National
I knew them all. Who do you want Lampoon, Inc., 635 Madison Avenue. Nc« Y.wt, NY liVJJ -70i paid annual subscription. S13.25 paid two-
year subscription, and $18.00 paid ihrtx-vear subscription in territorial U.S. Additional SI .00 for Canada and
to know about' 111 tell you about a Mexico. $2.00 for foreign. Second-claw postage paid ai New York, KY. and additional mailing offices.
good one.
You know who had a big house in
. M '^'-»R-, 635 M.idl«.n Av,-n,Jt, N York. NV AD\'ERT1SING INFORMA­
New York in those days? Rudolph ••• ".!, , t.ir, N.ttu.iul Lampo*in Mjsa:ini. (-3S MjJi-oc, Avcnut. N>-« York. N'Y
1-HirORlAL INFORMATION: Contact S.,hmi-Mon- FJuot. Nati^^l Ljm-
Valentine. The biggest movie star of -.. '-..^.ui. \v« York. \Y KV:2. or tjll 1.212' tH$-V~? R,-t-,irn [>.-"*- niu»t J---
them all. He had a secret hideaway in pt-., dtawinp. and photiijiraphv -.u bnn tied if thi-v jfi- hi K- ri-mnn-J PuHi-her .(-.stntiL-
inMihcucd material.
the warehouse section, downtown
2 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
You know this pleasure is going to last.
\fou're a white rum drinker.
It's been a day full of joyous for the pleasures of white rum. For
discovery, and it's far from over. good reason.
Because you know how to make White rum is made smooth and
the most of precious moments mellow by time. It ages for at least
like these. a year, by Puerto Rican law.
That same confidence led you Neither gin nor vodka receive
to become a white rum drinker long the benefit of aging.
before it became fashionable. No wonder that drinkers are
You discovered that white finding that white rum enhances
rum gives you lasting pleasure. It every one of the traditional gin and
makes a smoother, more enjoyable vodka drinks, from the martini to
tonic drink than you could ever the screwdriver. i
make with gin or vodka. And isn't it nice that you
And now that the word is out, were among the first to know.|
others are leaving gin and vodka PUERTO racnn nums
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
BERNIEX
continued
near one of the piers. From the out
side, it looked like a real dump. That's
how Valentino wanted it- He had to
disguise the outside so his fans
wouldn't know where he lived. They
would've rorn the place apart if they
knew he lived there. The broads were
nuts about him. But 1 knew Rudolph
Valentino better than anyone.
Y'know why, doncha? I lived with
him.
I'll tell ya how it happened. 1 was at
one of Jimmy Walker's big parties,
talking to Jack Dempsey and Isadora
Duncan, when Babe Ruth walks in.
Well, the Babe had always been my
idol since I was knee high to a base
ball bat. Jimmy introduced me to him
Our speakers sound more alike than they look. a few times, and he took a shine to
me. When the Babe entered a room,
That's easily explained. Our continuing possible compromise at any given price? everybody stopped what they were
Commitment Is to design and build The Design Acoustics family of loud-
doing. He had that quality. You know
speakers that produce as true an illusion speaKers. Look at them. All different,
of original musical events as the art permits because the best solution to the numerous what I mean. Babe was always laugh
Yet we must build them at various prices. acoustic problems varies widely with cost ing and joking and tipping everybody.
It would be easy to mimic a single design constraints. Now go out and listen to them.
time after time. But maximum accuracy, You'll find me resemblance unmistakable. Even his best friends, [f he liked you,
as well as optimum power Please write us for brochures he'd give you ten bucks, maybe
handling, sensitivity and power and test reports.
output, are best served by Design Acoustics, inc.. twenty or a iifty. He was that kind of
starting from the ground up Dept. N-9-7.2426 Amsier St.. guy.
with each model. What better Torrance.CA 9O5O5
But that night, he looked terrible.
way to achieve the minimum [phone].
Nobody was getting any tips. He
walked over to Jimmy and motioned
him to come into a private room. I
oouzo! looked over at Jimmy and he gave me
the high sign. I could come, too.
Jimmy liked to hear my advice. I was
his official man on the street, the
voice of the public. He wouldn't make
a move without me.
We went into this room that had a
lot of leather books in it. There's an
other guy already there who is in
troduced as a big executive from
Hollywood.
1 never saw the Babe look so bad,
That's Ouzo by Metaxa? worse than his famous hot dog stom
achache. He wanted Jimmy's advice.
Made the authentic way from the original Jimmy was one of his closest pals. The
Metaxa family recipe. Babe told us his problem. It seemed
Sip it over ice with water and watch it turn that Rudolph Valentino was madly in
into the Milk of the Gods. Ouzo by Metaxa love with him. He wanted to marry
the ultimate ouzo experience. him. "But Valentino is a man," I said.
Jimmy gave me a funny look. Jesus. 1
never even thought of the possibility
OUZO
that Valentino could have been a fag.
by The greatest movie lover of them all.
It seemed that Valentino had a crush
METAXA on the Babe. He would disguise him
self and go to the games. He collected
pictures of the Babe. He thought the
Babe was the most attractive, exciting
The Milk of the Gods. man in the world. All of this shit was
in a letter the Babe showed us. Valen
tino was raving like a school kid. But
©1977.90 Proof Imported by Austin, Nichols&Co.. tawrenceburg, Ky.
the terrible part he saved for last. If
4 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
Babe didn't come to him, he would
kill Mrs. Ruth, He had kidnapped
Mrs. Babe Ruth and was holding her
for ransom. The ransom was Babe
himself.
I got a look at the letter. I: was writ
ten in this fancy style that Valentine
liked. I can still remember how it
ended: "And so, my beloved Bam
bino, I beseech you to come to me. I
know you will because I am holding
something of value to you that you
will want returned. 1 am holding your
wife. 1 detest the word kidnap to de
scribe what I have done. I ask tor no
money. Your wife is merely a pawn
who must be used for a higher pur
pose to make my dream come true.
She is well treated, nay, she is living in
splendor at my house, and will be re
leased unharmed when you, my dar
ling Sultan ot Swat, come to me.
Come to me and I will show you new
and magical ways to love. 1 await your
mighty bat, your war club. We will
pitch and catch together. Yours for
ever, Rudy."
Well, the Babe was fit to be tied. He
was madder than a wet cat. I never
thought the Babe was a raving beauty,
if you want to know the truth. But I
guess Valentino liked that kind of
face. I mean, he went on and on in the
letter describing Babe's beautiful nose
and his big belly and that shit about
his "bat." The first thing Babe says is
that he won't do it. He won't sleep
with a fairy to get his wife back. He
loves his wife, but this was going too
far. There was nothing in the marriage
vows about sleeping with a homo.
He's so mad he tears one ot those
leather books in half, and Jimmy al
KeepTrac of the
most cries. The book is worth ten
grand, he says. Anyway, Babe won't
do it. Jimmy says the whole thing has good times.
to be handled on the hush-hush. No
publicity. The guy from Hollywood
says the same thing. It seems that he is
Love songs in a green meadow. Sing-alongs
there to represent Valentine's movie
in your cousin's classic Packard.
studio. They don't want this to get
Keep track of the good limes.
out to the papers, or it would be the
With a portable recorder and Tracs®
biggest scandal of all time. They don't
blank recording tape.
even want the police to get involved.
Tracs is the blank tape spe
Babe's idea is to go in and beat
cially made for portable recorders.
Valentino to a pulp and get his poor
Designed to take the extra abuse
wife the fuek out of there. But the guy
portables naturally get, and to sound good any time, any place.
from the studio says nix to that be
You can buy Tracs in cassettes (available in either hard or soft
cause he would be destroying rheir
plastic boxes), and in 8-track cartridges or reel to reel.
million dollar property, the number
And when you see how little it costs to record things on Tracs. it'll
one movie star in the country. This is
make the good times feel even better.
when I piped up with my idea. Why
don't [ go instead ofthe Babe, i said1. Tracs.The portable recorder tape.
I'm about the same size and even have
AudioMagnetics Corporation - 2602 Michelson Drive. Irvine. California 92716
the same kind of build, with the belly
and the skinny legs. The movie studio
crtiiimuetl on {>ag,u 28
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 5
"* " :
Vol. 1, No. 90 Insurance Madness, 33 Trots and Bonnie, 52
By Tod Carroll, illustrated by Joe Orlando By Shary Flennikin
Whatever Happened to.. .,40, 60, 68,72 National Lampoon Grows Up, 55
By Peter Karninsky and Andrew Zimmerman By Danny Abelson
A Guide to Grown-ups, 44 Grown-ups Can Do Anything , 63
ByJeffGreenfield, illustrated by BobLarkin By Gahan Wilson
Amusing Stories, 47 Total Coverage, 70
By Ellis Wciner By John Hughes
You Know You're Grown Up When..., 50 Health Facts You Better Start Reading, 86
By the Editors, illustrated by Warren Sattler By Gerald Sussman
T5 '
.fl -
,-V
.&&
&VK- --I
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
WHERE we come from, AFTER 76 YEARS OF
a car is not made to
drive you to the super MAKING SPORTS CARS
market. A car is made to
drive you to ecstasy. That
IFS HARD TO MAKE
the ecstasy happens on the
way to the supermarket is
SOMETHING DULL.
incidental.
This attitude about driv
ing led us in our early years Spider. And our mid-engine the 124 Spider have 5-speed
to build sports cars. Fiat Xl/9. synchromesh transmissions.
Over the first But as we got into the Both have twin overhead
quarter of this family car business we didn't cam engines. Both have
leave this attitude behind. double-barrel carburetors.
As a result, our Both have front disc brakes.
sedans drive quite And both are a very special
unlike other experience to drive.
sedans. There's a After 76 years, we don't
tightness, and know any other way.
a quickness, and a
century, they became a way they sit on the road FIAT
legend around the racing that's uniquely Fiat.
Car rental, leasing. Linden erscus delivery
circuits of Europe. How can a sedan feel like arranged through vourp;iriiclp;Hmg dealer.
And to this day, we still a sports car you ask? Only
build sports cars. Our one way. Build it like one.
classic convertible, the 124 Both the 131 Sedan and
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
An Apology
to Liza Minnelli
In the June, 19?6 issue of the At my imposition (a legal procedure
National Lam/won, dedicated to cele necessary to (he action I had decided to
brating, with tongue in cheek, the take against the National Lampoon),
publication of our seventy-fifth issue, Mattv Simmons voluntarily appeared and
there appeared a series of bogus con apologized to me. I appreciate and accept
gratulatory messages from people and thai apology. } couldn't help thinking,
groups ranging from George Bernard though, thai it would have been more
Shaw and "The Vagino Americans" to meaningful if it had been given at
Lenny Bruce. These people and the outset and ii'i'thmu the1 threat of my
others "congratulated" us on reaching tan-suit.
this landmark. We intended these Look guys, it's very unusual for me to
messages to be in the absurd tradition train to bring a lawsuit against anyone. I
of the National Lam/won, and to have did it because what I saw in the National
no relation to truth. Lampoon seemed so cruet, unnecessary,
Included in the messages was one vicious and unspeakable to me. MT. Sim
ostensibly from Liza "Mint-Hi" (her mons says, "It was our belief that no one
name is actually spelled Mmne/li). The would think chat this message was ac
message had an unflattering reference tually written and sent us by M.S. Mm-
to her mother, the late Judy Garland. nt'//i and thai no one would think less 0}
It was our belief that no one would M.S. Minm'Ki us a result." Despite his
think that this message was actually apology, I'm afraid he missed the point. I
written and sent to us by Ms. Min was not defending what people might
nelli, and that no one would think think of me. It was the gross, inaccurate
less of Ms. Minnelli as a result. and rile things you inferred about my
However, Ms. Minnelli was deeply mother that really upset me. I know it's
hurt by the reference and by the fact chic to be irreverent. Even trendy. But
that it was accompanied by her pur good taste still counts. / am her daughter.
ported signature. She did not agree I am proud to be. How can / It't you as
that the "message" could have no sault her memory m this fashion and find
harmful impact, and sued us (or the humor in it'
pain we caused her. Mr. Simmons ihen says that I ob
We express our sincerest apologies viously do not hold the National
to Liza Minnelli for any harm to her Lampoon in high regard. Wrong again.
feelings which we may have caused. I'm all for a good laugh. But never at so
There follows Ms. Minnelli's state high a price.
ment of her personal opinions and The issue, according to him. seems to
feelings about the use of her name and be, "What's the matter, honey' Can't vow
the reference to her late mother. Obvi- takeajoke?"Tliean$w-cr is yes, I think I
" ously, she does not hold the National can. And I'll continue to try. But a joke at
Lampoon in high regard, and obviously the expense of a great artist whose mem
we cannot agree with many of her ory J cherish and respect does not seem to
opinions. There will aluays be a con n\sa joke at ail.
flict between freedom of speech and Thank you for apologizing. ! 'm sorry,
personal feelings, and Ms. Minnelli is, too. I wish it all hadn't happened and I
we suspect, not alone in her views. hope this is the end of it.
Matty Simmons, Publisher Liza Minnelli
8 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.