Table Of ContentSELF-HELP
Discover a better you—without anger
nger is a normal emotion that we all experience from time to
Atime. But if you often feel angry—and if your anger makes others
uncomfortable, hurts your relationships or career, gets in the way of your
ability to make good decisions, or results in behaviors you later regret—it’s
Anger Management
time to make a change. This powerful guide can help you take control of
your anger before it takes control of you.
Fully revised and updated, Anger Management for Everyone offers a
comprehensive, evidence-based approach to help you stay cool and put
for Everyone
anger in its place. This edition includes new information on how anger
is infuenced by hunger and sleep; muscle relaxation and mindfulness
exercises to soothe you when anger ramps up; and strategies for improving
communication with others. Using the ten proven-effective skils outlined s e c o n d e d i t i o n
in this guide, you’ll gain a better understanding of your problem anger,
learn how to cope with everyday disappointments and frustrations, and
experience more happiness, success, and vitality in all areas of your life.
“A practical, easy-to-follow guide to getting control of your anger so
that you can live a more productive life today. … Rather than get angry,
get this book.” —Robert L. Leahy, PhD, author of The Worry Cure
RAYMOND CHIP TAFRATE, PhD, is a professor in the criminology and 10 Proven Strategies
criminal justice department at Central Connecticut State University. As a
clinical psychologist, his work has focused on the treatment of problems
common among justice-involved individuals.
to Help You Control Anger
HOWARD KASSINOVE, PhD, ABPP, is a board-certifed clinical psychologist,
former chairperson of the psychology department at Hofstra University, and
past director of Hofstra’s PhD program in clinical and school psychology.
and Live a Happier Life
RAYMOND CHIP TAFRATE, PhD
An Imprint of New Harbinger Publications HOWARD KASSINOVE, PhD, ABPP
www.newharb inger.com
Also available as an e-book Foreword by MATTHEW McKAY, PhD
s e c o n d TAFRATE
Anger Management for Everyone e d i t i o n
KASSINOVE
“Anger is a problem that people face on a regular basis, and learning how to
recognize, talk back to your anger, and use skills to cope with frustration can
save your job, your relationship, or even your life. This second edition of
Anger Management for Everyone by Raymond Chip Tafrate and Howard
Kassinove is an excellent, clear, and practical guide to each step in recogniz-
ing your anger, developing the motivation to change, and learning how to
immediately use a wide range of techniques to turn down the heat. Each
chapter has a summary of the main points, and there are online resources
that enhance the value of this important book. I will recommend this to my
clients and colleagues.”
—Robert L. Leahy, PhD, director at the American Institute
for Cognitive Therapy, and author of The Worry Cure and
The Jealousy Cure
“Great book on anger from two leading experts in the field! The best resource
for anyone looking to better manage their anger and frustration, and live a
happier, more fulfilling life.”
—Denis G. Sukhodolsky, PhD, ABPP, associate professor in
the department of psychiatry at the Yale University School of
Medicine, director of the Evidence-Based Practice Unit at the
Yale Child Study Center, and coauthor of Cognitive-Behavioral
Therapy for Anger and Aggression in Children
“I always say that there are two kinds of people in the world: people with
issues and dead people. In other words, as long as you’re alive, you have
issues, and anger is certainly one of them. Anger Management for Everyone is
a book you definitely need because it shows you specifically how to handle
the anger that inevitably comes your way. Howard Kassinove and Raymond
Chip Tafrate are pioneers in the field of anger management, and when you
follow the very practical advice they offer here, you will handle the inescap-
able anger in your life in a much better way.”
—Christian Conte, PhD, level V anger management specialist,
host of the radio show Emotional Management with
Dr. Christian Conte, and coauthor of Anger Management Workbook
“This second edition from Tafrate and Kassinove is a superb self-help guide-
book for folks interested in learning strategies for reducing their anger and
maximizing the positive outcomes of challenging situations. The reader is
easily engaged in rethinking their anger triggers and better understanding
their own anger responses. Based on sound cognitive behavioral therapy
(CBT) theory, the authors provide numerous everyday examples of anger
triggers and multiple options for being “SMART”: Selection Menu for Anger
Reduction Treatment. This edition includes an emphasis of mindfulness and
meditation for relaxation, and methods for letting go of previously held anger.
Delivered as a self-help workbook with numerous exercises that facilitate an
individualized plan for anger management, there are also downloadable
chapters for additional resources. This is a book that I will most certainly
suggest to many of my own clients who would benefit from practical and
effective intervention ideas.”
—Eva L. Feindler, PhD, professor in the department of
psychology at Long Island University, and program director
for clinical psychology of the Long Island University doctoral
program. She is author, coauthor, and editor of numerous
books, including Adolescent Anger Control, Adolescent
Behavior Therapy Handbook, Assessment of Family Violence,
and Anger-Related Disorders
“Few people on the planet have a better understanding of anger and how to
manage it than Raymond Chip Tafrate and Howard Kassinove. In this won-
derfully written second edition of Anger Management for Everyone, they guide
readers to a deep understanding of their anger, and provide a treasure trove
of strategies for working with it. This second edition incorporates new strate-
gies based upon our growing understanding of anger and how to best treat it.
Highly recommended for anyone who struggles with anger, as well as anyone
who seeks to understand and help them.”
—Russell Kolts, PhD, professor in the department of
psychology at Eastern Washington University, author of
The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Managing Your Anger,
and coauthor of Experiencing Compassion-Focused Therapy
from the Inside Out
“Intense anger is among the most destructive of human emotions. Opposite
of what most people believe, there are psychological treatments that can
control, reduce, and even eliminate it completely. In this amazing self-help
book, professors Tafrate and Kassinove—leaders in this field—will teach you
the best strategies and techniques to overcome anger. This type of therapy is
empirically supported by the most recent research, while at the same time
being effectively delivered to you step-by-step, with truly clear language. Not
only will you overcome anger, but you will enjoy reading this book too.”
—Juan Sevillá and Carmen Pastor, clinical psychologists and
directors at the Center of Behavior Therapy of Valencia (Spain),
and coauthors of Taming the Dragon
“Tafrate and Kassinove’s Anger Management for Everyone is an engaging,
practical, educational, accessible, and inspirational resource for everyday
people who struggle with anger issues, or health professionals working in this
area. With years of clinical wisdom and evidence-informed interventions dis-
tilled within this second expanded edition, readers will learn to better under-
stand the nature and dynamics of their own anger, and how to effectively
harness and manage it through a suite of practical interventions to move on
to more satisfying, and less angry, lives. Compelling, compassionate, and
relatable, the book’s generous use of case anecdotes illustrates core concepts
while a suite of practice exercises helps readers put these into action.”
—Mark E. Olver, PhD, registered doctoral psychologist,
professor in the department of psychology at the
University of Saskatchewan, and associate editor of
Sexual Abuse and Criminal Justice and Behavior
“Tafrate and Kassinove, world leaders in treatment and research for anger,
have done the public a tremendous service with this book. Whether you
have found that you have serious anger problems, or just experience ordinary
levels of irritability, Anger Management for Everyone covers strategies to help
people address the core problems that lead to anger, leading to more fulfilling
lives and interpersonal experiences. Practical and highly accessible, the book
integrates the latest research findings with direct methods that can be
applied immediately after reading the book. I recommend it highly to
everyone.”
—Dean McKay, PhD, ABPP, professor in the department of
psychology at Fordham University, past president of the
Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, and past
president of the Society for a Science of Clinical Psychology
Anger Management
for Everyone
s e c o n d e d i t i o n
10 Proven Strategies
to Help You Control Anger
and Live a Happier Life
RAYMOND CHIP TAFRATE, PhD
HOWARD KASSINOVE, PhD, ABPP
Impact Publishers, Inc.
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in
regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the pub-
lisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional
services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent pro-
fessional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2019 by Raymond Chip Tafrate and Howard Kassinove
Impact Publishers
An imprint of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer
Edited by Xavier Callahan
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Tafrate, Raymond Chip, author. | Kassinove, Howard, author.
Title: Anger management for everyone : ten proven strategies to help you control anger and
live a happier life / Raymond Chip Tafrate, Howard Kassinove ; foreword by Matthew
McKay.
Description: Second Edition. | Oakland, CA : Impact, 2019. | Revised edition of the
authors’ Anger management for everyone, c2009. | Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2018049382 (print) | LCCN 2018050497 (ebook) | ISBN
9781684032273 (PDF e-book) | ISBN 9781684032280 (ePub) | ISBN 9781684032266
(paperback)
Subjects: LCSH: Anger. | Conflict management. | BISAC: SELF-HELP / Anger
Management (see also FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Anger). | FAMILY &
RELATIONSHIPS / Anger (see also SELF-HELP / Anger Management). |
PSYCHOLOGY / Emotions.
Classification: LCC BF575.A5 (ebook) | LCC BF575.A5 T35 2019 (print) | DDC
152.4/7--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018049382
20 19 18
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 First Printing
Contents
Foreword v
Preface and Acknowledgments vi
Introduction 1
PART 1: Anger Basics
1 Comon Anger Questions and Answers 8
2 Understanding Your Anger Episodes 24
3 Are You Ready to Change? 54
PART 2: Changing Anger Triggers
4 Strategy One: Manage Your Lifestyle 74
5 Strategy Two: Sidestep Provocations 89
6 Strategy Three: Find New Solutions to Social Problems 99
PART 3: Changing Thoughts That Lead to Anger
7 Strategy Four: Change the Way You Think About Your Life 118
8 Strategy Five: Let It Go! 133
9 Strategy Six: Forgive 140
PART 4: Changing Internal Anger Experiences
10 S trategy Seven: Calm Your Angry Urges with
Relaxation, Mindfulnes, and Meditation 166
11 S trategy Eight: Practice Exposure Techniques and
Healthier Reactions 17
iv Anger Management for Everyone
PART 5: Changing Anger Expression
12 Strategy Nine: Improve Your Social and Interpersonal Skills 192
13 S trategy Ten: Express Your Anger in an Assertive,
Productive Way 212
Suggested Readings by Chapter Topic 227
A ppendix A: Recommended Readings for Anger-Related
Problems 231
Appendix B: Resources for Finding a Therapist 233
Endnotes 235
Foreword
An estimated one in five Americans has an anger problem. Anger has enor-
mous costs–for the individual and our society. For the individual who strug-
gles with anger there are often serious health, career, and relationship
outcomes. Medical research has implicated anger in disorders such as hyper-
tension, cardio-vascular disease, ulcerative colitis, and increases in all-cause
mortality. Anger leads to less satisfaction at work, and, in the words of anger
researcher Myer Friedman, “is responsible for repeated disasters–careers
wrecked, whole businesses and large enterprises threatened with ruin.” In
our relationships, anger can be a destructive force that leads to higher divorce
rates, broken friendships and family bonds, increased isolation and loneli-
ness, and reduced community and social support.
A large proportion of the physical and emotional abuse suffered by chil-
dren in our society is driven by chronically angry parents and caregivers.
These children often struggle with depression, social alienation, aggressive
behavior, delinquency, poor school performance, and poorer overall adjust-
ment. As adults, these victims of angry caregivers have higher rates of depres-
sion, relationship dysfunction, emptiness, eating disorders, spouse abuse, and
violent crime.
Anger Management for Everyone (2nd Edition) offers effective, compre-
hensive, and evidence-based solutions to the high personal and social costs
of anger. In addition to classic CBT tools such as relaxation, mindfulness,
cognitive restructuring, and assertiveness training, Drs. Tafrate and
Kassinove offer new response delay techniques, new interventions to address
problems with social (as opposed to anger-based) solutions, cutting edge
strategies to disarm and avoid provocations, and special techniques to let go
and forgive.
Among the foremost anger researchers in America, the authors know
the key to successful anger management: Anger coping skills must be learned
while a person is angry. Research on state-dependent learning has shown us
that skills learned in a calm state (while reading this book, for example)
often can’t be remembered or utilized in an activated (angry) state. That’s
why anger exposure–visualizing recent upsets and provocations while coping
with distress and urges to attack–is essential to changing anger behavior.
