Table Of ContentChapter One
Ellie Grant tugged her son Kody's basketball jersey from between the cream-colored sofa
cushions. The white knit was streaked with mud and covered with black dog hair, and the team
name, TROJANS, in green lettering across the front was smeared with what appeared to be mustard.
Scrunching the nylon in her fist, she almost lifted it to her nose—and then caught herself. What
on earth was she doing? Granted, she missed her boys, but they'd be gone only until tomorrow
night. She could survive another weekend without them, no shirt sniffing allowed.
Turning, she stared at the television, which was usually on and blaring when the kids were home.
Light from the adjoining dining room reflected off the dusty screen, highlighting the words, WASH
ME. Ellie grinned in spite of herself. The brats. In the time it had taken one of them to scrawl that
message, he could have polished the glass.
Her smile slowly faded. The quiet inside the house seemed to echo against her eardrums. Most
mothers would probably take advantage of the reprieve to read a good book or take a luxurious
bubble bath,
but Ellie just felt lost. For two weeks straight, she hadn't had a second to call her own. Now she
suddenly had twenty-four hours of emptiness stretching before her.
It was always this way when Tucker had the boys. She never knew quite what to do with the time.
She stared at the dog hair on the mauve carpet and considered hauling out her old Kirby, but like
a recovered alcoholic tempted by drink, she shoved the thought away. Instead, she stepped to the
entertainment center and punched on the stereo. Zach, her fourteen-year-old, kept the CD player
filled with his favorite country and western disks. Garth Brooks would chase away the silence
and lift her spirits in short order.
She cranked up the volume, grabbed the portable phone from the end table, and headed toward
the kitchen. As she passed through the dining room, the first strains of "Every Breath You Take"
by The Police thrummed in the air. She stopped dead in her tracks. In July of her sixteenth year,
that song had been blaring on the radio of Tucker's rattletrap Chevy when she lost her virginity.
She hadn't listened to it since the divorce, and she knew Zach hadn't, either. He disdainfully
called all songs from his parents' era "oldie moldies. "
Ellie almost swung around to change the selection. But, no, she assured herself, it wasn't a
problem. Two years ago, she might have fallen apart if she'd listened to that song, but she could
handle it now. A stroll down memory lane might even be good for her, proof at long last that she
was completely and forever over Tucker Grant.
Continuing toward the kitchen, she let the music carry her back to that summer night nineteen
years ago. The details came so clear in her mind that it might have happened yesterday. She could
almost smell the breeze rolling in off the river, redolent with the perfume of wildflowers and the
scent of pine. She and Tucker had climbed into the back, where they could stretch out on the seat
without the steering wheel and gearshift getting in their way. Heads bent, hands shaking with
nerves, they'd shyly undressed, neither of them completely sure how to proceed once they got
naked. Finally, Tucker had simply taken her in his arms. Don't be scared, Ellie girl, he'd
whispered. Ill love you forever—until the rivers stop flowing and the ocean goes dry.
Snapped back to the present by the coldness of the worn kitchen linoleum under her bare feet,
Ellie sighed and shook her head. Talk about a sappy line. She was surprised she hadn't giggled.
Back then, of course, it had seemed terribly romantic, just the sort of thing a young girl yearned
to hear.
She shifted her gaze to the stack of bills on the breakfast bar, a fair third of which were due. Then
she stared at the broken faucet, which she couldn't afford to replace until well after Christmas.
Since there was no sign of Tucker Grant in this charming picture, the rivers must have stopped
flowing and the oceans gone dry. Or maybe Tucker was just lousy at keeping promises.
Ah, well—who needed him? Judging by things the boys had told her, he hadn't changed a bit.
After ten years with the state, he was still a field biologist, turning down promotions because he
didn't want a
desk job. At the top of the pay scale for that position, he received occasional cost-of-living raises,
but that was it. She, on the other hand, was the big kahuna at the House of Interior Design, and
she'd gotten two salary increases in the eleven months since she'd been hired. In short, she was on
her way up, and he was dead in the water.
Though she'd never been inside his new house, the boys had given her a sketchy description.
Instead of investing his half of their marital-home equity into a solidly built older place that could
have been renovated, he'd bought on the cheap in a modest housing development with cookie-
cutter floor plans and lots the size of postage stamps. No big surprise. The only time in Tucker's
life that he'd ever shown good taste was when he married her.
Determined not to think about him for a second longer, Ellie advanced across the floor.
Halloween was only a month away. She would put this time to good use, making sugar cookies
for her sons—great big round ones decorated to look like jack-o'-lanterns. In the morning, she'd
go up to the attic and dig out the Halloween decorations. By tomorrow night, the house would be
cheery and bright with pumpkins and witches hanging at the windows, and she'd welcome the
boys at the door with a big smile and a plate of treats. They'd love that.
As she drew the old green mixing bowl from a cupboard, Ellie thought of her mother, who'd once
mixed cookies in this bowl before it had been passed down to her only child. As a little girl, Ellie
had stood on a stool, watching the mixing process in fascination and snitching morsels of dough
whenever
her mom turned her head. Years later, Ellie's sons, Sammy, Zach, and Kody, had followed the
same tradition, forcing her to make double batches every time she baked so she'd have something
left to put in the oven.
Images flashed through her mind of those holiday baking sprees when her boys had been much
younger, their faces smeared with icing, their pudgy fingers gooey and coated with multicolored
sprinkles. The kitchen had fared no better than their faces, and afterward she always felt
compelled to scrub the floor on her hands and knees.
Looking back on it now, Ellie wished with all her heart that she'd let the floor go and just enjoyed
having milk and cookies with her sons. But, no, before Sammy's death and the ensuing divorce,
her priorities had been seriously skewed. She'd been caught up in the supermom syndrome back
then, convinced she had to be a perfect wife, mother, and home-maker, all while she pursued a
career. She'd had no time to sit around on a winter afternoon, eating cookies with her precious
boys.
It had taken a tragedy to make her realize that nothing was more important than her kids.
Nothing. These days, if it came to a choice between devoting time to her sons or scrubbing the
floor, the floor lost every time. When the boys were grown, they wouldn't remember how clean
her kitchen had been, but they'd have fond memories of this holiday season and the goodies she'd
baked for them.
Ellie stopped the sink and squeezed in dish soap. While the water ran, she lighted the candle on
the windowsill that Kody had given her for Mother's
Day, a misshapen lump of yellow wax he'd poured for her at school. He'd used one of Bucky's
empty dog food cans as a mold, and the rings in the aluminum had left telltale lines. Every time
she looked at it, she smiled.
Beyond the windowpane, the drizzly gray of afternoon had given way to the deeper shades of
early evening. Still leafy from summer, hydrangea, lilac, and camellia bushes crowded the
weathered board fence, creating a dense jungle of rain-drenched foliage that needed to be pruned.
Lending some bright relief from all the green, splashes of autumn-orange decorated the drooping
maple trees. Soon the grass would be hidden beneath a carpet of fallen leaves that would crunch
underfoot.
The wavering candlelight washed the glass with patterns of gold. As the flame licked its way
down the wick, the sweet smell of vanilla wafted to Ellie's nostrils, reminding her of the task at
hand. She turned off the faucet and spun from the sink. Studiously ignoring the range top, which
got washed only when one of the boys decided to give it a few swipes, she climbed on the
stepstool to get salt and vanilla from the spice cupboard above it. As she hopped down, she kept
her gaze averted from the stove's crusty burner plates. A vow was a vow. No matter how filthy
they got, she would never scrub them, so why drive herself crazy noticing the buildup?
Singing along with Bonnie Tyler, she belted out the refrain of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" as she
measured ingredients. She was about to soften some butter in the microwave when the portable
phone on the counter rang. She jumped and then stared at it;
it was probably Marvin calling. Great She had grown very fond of him over the last few months,
and most of the time, she was glad of his company, but she didn't want to have him over when the
boys weren't home. Whenever she was alone with him, he grew amorous, and it was becoming
increasingly difficult to fend him off.
Ellie wasn't ready for intimacy. She couldn't say why, exactly. Marvin was more than ten years
her senior, and at forty-six, he wasn't a bad-looking guy. A tad overweight, maybe, and starting to
go bald, but things like that didn't matter to her anymore. She'd had a deliciously handsome man
once, and just look where that had gotten her.
Marvin was decent and kind and dependable. That mattered far more to her than looks. Given
their mutual careers in interior design, they also had a lot in common. All the makings were there
for a fabulous relationship. It was just, well—she didn't know what the problem was, really.
When he kissed her, no matter how hard she tried to get into it, she found herself thinking about
stupid stuff, like what she needed to pick up at the market on her way home from work the next
night. Not good.
After dating Marvin for nearly six months, off and on, Ellie knew he had every right to be feeling
impatient with her. Soon, she kept telling him. She just needed a little more time. Taking the
relationship to a more serious level was a big step for her.
What to do, what to do? The phone jangled again, urgent and demanding. She considered not
answering. But what if it wasn't Marvin? It was always possible that one of the boys might call.
On the fourth ring, she groaned and wiped her hands, trying to fabricate a believable excuse not
to invite him over even as she grabbed the phone and pressed the TALK button. Menstrual cramps,
she decided with an evil grin. Not very original, but it was a surefire way to cool his jets.
"Hello, " she said, doing her best to sound miserable.
"Ellie?"
She would have recognized that deep, silky tenor anywhere. Tucker. Her hand tightened over the
phone as an image of him took shape in her mind. Tawny hair, hazel eyes sharp with intelligence,
and sun-burnished features, every chiseled plane of which had once been engraved on her heart.
Just thinking about him filled her with resentment.
She pictured him in a sunshine-yellow kitchen with fake butcher-block counters. He'd be leaning
against a wall, she decided, his booted feet crossed at the ankles, his rangy, well-muscled body
showcased in a wash-worn flannel work shirt and faded denim jeans that hugged his long,
powerful legs like a second skin.
"Hi, " she said stiffly. He seldom called, so she had to grope for more to say. She opted for a note
of humor. "If you're about to tell me the state has screwed up the child support again, I'll jump off
a tall building. I just dropped a hundred and sixty bucks on football cleats and basketball shoes. "
She hoped he would offer to kick in a little extra this month to cover the expense just so she could
turn him down. He'd argued against her moving to Springfield, predicting that the cost of living
would
be much higher in the Eugene area and she would come to regret the decision. In your face, she
wanted to say. I'm doing just fine over here. I love my job. I just got a raise. I have a fabulous
new boyfriend. I don't need your help, thanks very much.
Instead of offering her money, he said, "No, it's nothing like that, Ellie. "
His tone was taut and oddly neutral. After being married to him for thirteen years, she knew when
he was upset. Alarm raised goose bumps on her skin. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know how to say this. "
Oh, God! Memories sped through her mind, all splashed with crimson. Her vocal cords felt like
overstretched rubber as she struggled to speak. "What happened?" She braced a hand on the
counter, feeling as if her knees might buckle. "It's one of the boys, isn't it? Who's hurt? Tucker,
answer me. "
"No, no, it's nothing like that. As far as I know, they're both all right. "
"As far as you know?" Her heart was pounding so hard that it pained her. She pressed a fist over
the spot. "Something's wrong. I hear it in your voice. "
"They've taken off. "
For a moment, the words circled in her mind, making no sense. "What do you mean, they've
taken off?"
"Exactly what I said. I just got home, and the little snots are gone. "
She stared stupidly at the roses on the faded hunter-green wallpaper. "Gone? This is your week-
end. You're supposed to be watching them. "
"I worked today. "
"So? I have a job, too. Have I ever called to tell you the kids were gone?"
"That isn't fair. Zach's fourteen, for Pete's sake, and Mrs. Robinson next door is always available
in case of emergency. You leave them alone on Saturday all the time while you're working. "
"I also call to check on them. If they don't answer the phone, I hightail it home to see what's
wrong. "
"I was way out past Wickiup Reservoir, overseeing a team of stream surveyors. I tried to call
home on my cell phone and couldn't get out. "
Ellie knew the cell phone reception wasn't as good in central Oregon as it was in the valley. There
were fewer towers over there, and the mountainous terrain sometimes interfered with the signals.
Knowing that and admitting it were two different things. She wasn't obligated to give Tucker
Grant a fair shake. When the shoe had been on the other foot, had he been fair to her?
She pushed a shank of blond hair from her eyes. She was shaking so hard that the strands
shivered back down over her forehead the instant she withdrew her hand. "Where do you think
they went?"
His voice turned gravelly. "According to the note they left, they're somewhere in the Baxter
Wilderness Area. "
Ellie knew the place. While they were still married, they'd taken the boys camping there several
times each summer. ''Somewhere in the area? I'm not following. That's a long way from Bend.
How did they get there?"
"I think they rode their bicycles. " He paused as if the next words came hard. "Ellie, they've run
away. "
"They've what?"
She heard a rustle of paper come over the line. "The note is in Zach's handwriting, but
Kody signed it, as well. "
Iridescent hues of blue and pink shimmered in the froth of dishwater suds. The scent of
vanilla from the candle suddenly made her nauseated.
"Ellie, are you still there?"
She nodded and then realized he couldn't see her. "Yes. I'm here. I'm, uh, just trying to
assimilate this. Are you sure they've run away, Tucker? Maybe they just got bored while
you were gone and—"
"No. I wish that were the case, but it isn't. They've definitely run away. "
"Why? Did something happen to upset them?"
"Nothing that I'm aware of. "
This was so unlike her sons, she knew there had to be an explanation. Suspicion slammed
into her brain. "Have you been letting your friend Liz stay the night when they're there?"
Even over the phone, she felt him bristle at the question. "That is so typical. Why is it that
you always have to assign blame?"
He was a fine one to talk. He'd held her responsible for Sammy's accident and walked out
on her during the most difficult time of her life. "Just answer the question. Has she been
spending the night there?"
"The particulars of my sex life are none of your damned business. "
"They quickly become my business when you play fast and loose in front of my children. "
"May I remind you that they're my children, too?
Fast and loose? You know better than that. Not around my kids. "
Ellie closed her eyes. He was right; deep down, she did know better. "H-how long do you think
they've been gone?"
"My guess is that they left shortly after I did this morning. All that's in the dishwasher are two
cereal bowls. I don't think they had lunch here. It would also take them quite a while to reach
Baxter on bicycles. At least five or six hours, depending on how often they stopped to rest. They
had to leave here fairly early to get there before dark. "
Panic clawed at the edges of her mind. She held it at bay by trying to concentrate on absolutes
instead of possibilities. "Did they take camping gear?"
"Yes. All that's left in the garage is mine. "
She pictured her boys pedaling along the shoulder of that busy road, and her self-control took
another hard hit. She caught the inside of her cheek between her teeth.
"Ellie, don't, " he said softly, as if he knew exactly what she was thinking. "They've done this
expressly to scare the bejesus out of us. "
"And they've succeeded. Highway 97 is the most dangerous road in Oregon. "
"Ah, now, it's not that bad. "
Ellie remembered another time when he'd pooh-poohed her concerns, and she'd ended up
standing over her child's grave. "I've warned them a hundred times not to ride their bikes in heavy
traffic. " Pain bunched in her temples. Sammy. She couldn't help remembering the day he died—
how the pavement had turned black with his blood.
"I'm sure they're both fine. If anything happened, someone would contact me. "
"They don't carry ID. "
"No, but the bicycles are licensed. The cops could easily trace them back to me. They're fine,
Ellie. We need to keep our heads. "
That was true. Panic would accomplish nothing. She took a deep breath. "Right. " Kody's face
flashed through her mind, and she wished she'd never let him out of her sight. "We'd—um—
better call someone. We need to find them as quickly as we can. "
"I can find them, Ellie. You know that. "
She made a small sound of agreement. Tucker's reputation as a tracker was well known in
Deschutes County. Search-and-rescue teams frequently called upon him to help locate lost hikers.
"I'll gather my gear and head up there as soon as we get off the phone, " he said. "By first light,
I'll be on their trail. Riding bicycles, they weren't able to take the dog with them. Bucky can help
sniff them out. They'll be fine for the night. "
"In a wilderness area?"
"They have warm sleeping bags, and they ransacked my cupboards and fridge, so they shouldn't
go hungry. Even if they run low on food, they both know how to catch fish with whatever they
have on hand, and I've taught them damned near everything I know about the edible plant life in
that area. "
"There are cougars and bears out there, Tucker. They're just little boys. "
"Not so little anymore. Zach's fourteen, and Kody's eleven. I know grown men with less wilder-
ness savvy. No worries, Ellie, I promise. "
"We still need to find them as fast as we can. " She shoved rigid fingers into her hair. "No offense
to your tracking skills, but the best way to do that is to call in help. "
"I'd rather try to find them myself first. "
"Yes, well... my vote carries half the weight. "
He sighed. "Ellie, think. I know you're scared, but let's not go off half-cocked. The boys have run
away. Do you know what may happen if the authorities get wind of it? Kids don't do things like
this without a reason. If a bunch of do-gooders start digging for dirt, we could end up with a hell
of a mess on our hands. Our sons could become temporary wards of the court until it all gets
straightened out. "
"That's absurd. They aren't going to make our kids wards of the court. We're perfectly good
parents. "
"Are we?" A humorless huff of laughter came over the line. "Excuse me, but I'm holding a note in
my hand that says we've done a piss-poor job somewhere along the way. If you think children's
services won't investigate us, you're dreaming. "
Ellie gripped the phone with both hands. "Better that than one of them getting hurt. "
"I'll find them, I said. Name me a better man for the job, damn it. "
He had a point. And he was probably right about children's services, as well. When kids ran
away, it raised a red flag, and the authorities might suspect the worst. "I can't believe they've done
something so harebrained. "
"Yeah, well, they have. As for finding them quickly, I'll have them home tomorrow night,
guaranteed. " He released another weary sigh. "You know, Ellie, getting
them back isn't my primary worry. We have to figure out what the hell we're going to do once we
get them home. "
"Shaking them silly sounds highly appealing at the moment. " She stared at the half-mixed cookie
dough, remembering all her grand plans for a cheery welcome-home party. How many kids got
homemade cookies, just because? She lived with ring around the toilet, dirty grout, and dust
bunnies under her furniture, and this was the thanks she got? "I can't believe they've done this.
What earthly reason do they have? It's not as if we abuse them or anything. "
She heard the rustle of paper again. "They've made a couple of demands. "
"What kind of demands?"
He hesitated before answering. "They refuse to come home until we agree to get back together
and go to counseling. "
"What?"
"You heard me. They want us back together again, no discussion, no bargains. It's that or nothing.
They've made it very clear they won't settle for less. "
In the background, Kim Carnes belted out the lyrics of "Bette Davis Eyes. " Now Ellie
understood why Zach had put that particular CD in the player. He knew she usually turned on the
stereo while they were gone, and he'd been hoping to soften her up with old favorites from her
and Tucker's dating days. How long had he and Kody been planning this, anyway?
Ellie's blood pressure went up several points. Candle wax was about to drip on the windowsill.
She
leaned over to blow out the flame with an angry expulsion of breath. "It isn't as if we arbitrarily
decided to get a divorce. "
"I understand that, and you understand that. But do our boys?" The question hung there, stark and
razor sharp, between them. "They're miserable, Ellie. They have to be. Happy kids don't run
away. "
Her kids were not miserable. She devoted every spare moment to making them happy. She
couldn't remember the last time she'd taken a bubble bath, and she hadn't shaved her legs in over
two weeks. She'd even started cutting her own hair, using the money she would have spent at a
salon to buy Nike running shoes and name-brand jeans. How could they possibly be miserable?
Dimly she realized that Tucker was still talking. "You know how far it is from Bend to Baxter,
most of it uphill, " he said. "They pedaled every inch of the way. Kids don't put themselves
through an ordeal like that without good reason. Whether this makes sense to us or not—whether
we understand it or not—this is very important to them. "
Her throat felt raw, and her voice had gone raspy when she spoke again. "What are we going to
do?"
"I have no idea. Maybe—" He broke off without finishing the thought.
"Maybe, what?" she pressed.
"I don't know. Coming home to find them gone and then reading this note, I've just been thinking
that—" He broke off again and cursed under his breath. "Did we do the right thing? Maybe
getting a divorce wasn't best for our kids. "
The hair at her nape prickled. "What are you saying?"
"That maybe we screwed up. "
We? It was all she could do not to scream the word at him. He'd left her, not the other way
around. Just packed his stuff and walked out. She could still remember the deafening report of the
door slamming shut behind him. She had almost run after him, would have gotten on her knees
and begged him to stay if she'd thought it might change his mind. Now he wanted her to share the
blame for their divorce?
"We obviously have two very disillusioned kids on our hands, " he continued. The paper rustled
again, and she envisioned him crumpling the note. "They've run away, for God's sake. Maybe we
should stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about them for a change. "
Ellie's heart squeezed, and the word she'd tried to swallow back blurted from her lips. "We?
Excuse me, but the way I remember it, you were the one who left, Tucker. " She'd also gotten it
straight from their elder son that he'd been the first to start dating other people after the divorce.
"Like there was anything to hold me?" he shot back. "You're damned right, I walked out. "
There had been a time when hearing him say that would have broken her heart, but now she felt
nothing but anger. What would he say, she wondered a little wildly, if she told him the whole
truth? He would really despise her then.
"What's changed?" she fired back. "Have I missed something?"
"Nothing's changed, obviously. " His voice vibrated with frustration. "Here we are, three years
later, and it's still the same old bullshit. "
"And it's still all my fault. Amazing. "
