Table Of ContentContents
A Series of Unfortunate Events #1: The Bad Beginning
Dear Reader
To Beatrice—
Chapter One
If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you…
Chapter Two
It is useless for me to describe to you how…
Chapter Three
I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but first…
Chapter Four
The Baudelaire orphans copied the puttanesca recipe from the
cookbook…
Chapter Five
Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly…
Chapter Six
The next morning, when the children stumbled sleepily from their…
Chapter Seven
There are many, many types of books in the world…
Chapter Eight
Klaus stayed up all night reading, which was normally something…
Chapter Nine
“Yes,” Count Olaf continued, “it certainly is strange to find…
Chapter Ten
That night, Klaus was the Baudelaire orphan sleeping fitfully in…
Chapter Eleven
“How pleasant that you could join us,” the hook-handed man…
Chapter Twelve
As Violet and Klaus Baudelaire stood, still in their nightgown…
Chapter Thirteen
“And now, ladies and gentlemen,” Count Olaf said, stepping forward…
To My Kind Editor
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #2: The Reptile Room
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
The stretch of road that leads out of the city…
Chapter Two
“Doesn’t Sunny like coconut?” Uncle Monty asked. He, Mr. Poe, and…
Chapter Three
I am very, very sorry to leave you hanging like…
Chapter Four
One of the most difficult things to think about in…
Chapter Five
That night felt like the longest and most terrible the…
Chapter Six
Bad circumstances have a way of ruining things that would…
Chapter Seven
“My, my, my, my, my,” said a voice from behind…
Chapter Eight
While the jeep sputtered ahead of them, the Baudelaire orphans…
Chapter Nine
When Violet opened the enormous door of the Reptile Room…
Chapter Ten
When you were very small, perhaps someone read to you…
Chapter Eleven
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Violet was upstairs, surveying her…
Chapter Twelve
I promise you that this is the last time that…
Chapter Thirteen
If this were a book written to entertain small children…
To My Kind Editor
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #3: The Wide Window
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
If you didn’t know much about the Baudelaire orphans, and…
Chapter Two
“This is the radiator,” Aunt Josephine said, pointing to a…
Chapter Three
There is a way of looking at life called “keeping…
Chapter Four
That night, the Baudelaire children sat at the table with…
Chapter Five
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny—By the time you read this note,…
Chapter Six
Mr. Poe frowned, sat down at the table, and took out…
Chapter Seven
“Hello, I’m Larry, your waiter,” said Larry, the Baudelaire orphans’…
Chapter Eight
When someone’s tongue swells up due to an allergic reaction,…
Chapter Nine
The United States Postal Service has a motto. The motto…
Chapter Ten
The good people who are publishing this book have a…
Chapter Eleven
“Oh no,” Aunt Josephine said. The children paid no attention.…
Chapter Twelve
“Welcome aboard,” Captain Sham said, with a wicked grin that…
Chapter Thirteen
Mr. Poe looked astonished. Violet looked relieved. Klaus looked
assuaged,…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #4: The Miserable Mill
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
Sometime during your life—in fact, very soon—you…
Chapter Two
It is much, much worse to receive bad news through…
Chapter Three
Morning is an important time of day, because how you…
Chapter Four
As I’m sure you know, whenever there is a mirror…
Chapter Five
In the days that followed, the Baudelaire orphans had pits…
Chapter Six
“I tell you, you have nothing to worry about,” Phil…
Chapter Seven
If you have ever had a miserable experience, then you…
Chapter Eight
The Baudelaire orphans stood outside the gates of the Lucky…
Chapter Nine
Oftentimes, when children are in trouble, you will hear people…
Chapter Ten
Violet read the memo out loud to her siblings, and…
Chapter Eleven
As we have discussed previously, a book’s first sentence can…
Chapter Twelve
“Klaus!” Violet cried. “Klaus, don’t do it!”
Chapter Thirteen
“Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful,” Sir said, shaking the cloud of smoke…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #5: The Austere Academy
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
If you were going to give a gold medal to…
Chapter Two
As the Baudelaire orphans stood outside Vice Principal Nero’s door,…
Chapter Three
The expression “Making a mountain out of a molehill” simply…
Chapter Four
If you have walked into a museum recently—whether you…
Chapter Five
The expression “following suit” is a curious one, because it…
Chapter Six
Prufrock Preparatory School is now closed. It has been closed…
Chapter Seven
The Baudelaire orphans’ schoolday was particularly austere, a word
which…
Chapter Eight
“What?” Isadora asked.
Chapter Nine
Occasionally, events in one’s life become clearer through the prism…
Chapter Ten
The three Baudelaire orphans and the two Quagmire triplets sat…
Chapter Eleven
If you’ve ever dressed up for Halloween or attended a…
Chapter Twelve
Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous…
Chapter Thirteen
“Where are they?” Violet cried as Coach Genghis stepped into…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #6: The Ersatz Elevator
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
The book you are holding in your two hands right…
Chapter Two
In order to get a better sense of exactly how…
Chapter Three
If you were to take a plastic bag and place…
Chapter Four
If you are ever forced to take a chemistry class…
Chapter Five
Café Salmonella was located in the Fish District, which was…
Chapter Six
Morning is one of the best times for thinking. When…
Chapter Seven
When you know someone a long time, you become accustomed…
Chapter Eight
“I’m dreaming,” Duncan Quagmire said. His voice was a hoarse…
Chapter Nine
One of the greatest myths in the world—and the…
Chapter Ten
“…and one of the items in the catalog is listed…
Chapter Eleven
The French expression “cul-de-sac” describes what the Baudelaire
orphans found…
Chapter Twelve
Several years before the Baudelaires were born, Veblen Hall won…
Chapter Thirteen
“These are doilies,” Violet cried. “This box is full of…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #7: The Vile Village
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
No matter who you are, no matter where you live,…
Chapter Two
When you are traveling by bus, it is always difficult…
Chapter Three
“Wasn’t that marvelous?” Hector said, as the crows stopped circling…
Chapter Four
The Baudelaire orphans stared at the scrap of paper, and…
Chapter Five
“My head is spinning again,” Violet said, holding the scrap…
Chapter Six
Although “jumping to conclusions” is an expression, rather than an…
Chapter Seven
In this large and fierce world of ours, there are…
Chapter Eight
The next morning began with a colorful and lengthy sunrise,…
Chapter Nine
There are not very many people in the world who…
Chapter Ten
Entertaining a notion, like entertaining a baby cousin or entertaining…
Chapter Eleven
“Isn’t it marvelous?” Klaus said with a grin, as his…
Chapter Twelve
If you have reached this far in the story, you…
Chapter Thirteen
The Baudelaires looked at the Quagmires, and the Quagmires
looked…
looked…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #8: The Hostile Hospital
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
There are two reasons why a writer would end a…
Chapter Two
Of all the ridiculous expressions people use—and people use…
Chapter Three
We are Volunteers Fighting Disease, And we’re cheerful all day…
Chapter Four
Whether you have been sent to see the principal of…
Chapter Five
“I just don’t understand it,” said Klaus, which was not…
Chapter Six
This is not a tale of Lemony Snicket. It is…
Chapter Seven
“I never thought I’d live to see the day,” Violet…
Chapter Eight
Heimlich Hospital is gone now, and will probably never be…
Chapter Nine
“Recazier?” Sunny asked dumbfoundedly. The word
“dumbfoundedly” here means “wondering…
Chapter Ten
At this point in the dreadful story I am writing,…
Chapter Eleven
Operating theaters are not nearly as popular as dramatic theaters,…
Chapter Twelve
I am alone this evening, and I am alone because…
Chapter Thirteen
When Violet Baudelaire was five years old, she won her…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #9: The Carnivorous Carnival
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
When my workday is over, and I have closed my…
Chapter Two
Eavesdropping—a word which here means “listening in on
interesting…
Chapter Three
Besides getting several paper cuts in the same day or…
Chapter Four
“What?” asked Hugo, yawning and rubbing his eyes. “What did…
Chapter Five
If you have ever experienced something that feels strangely familiar,
…
Chapter Six
There are many difficult things in this world to hide,…
Chapter Seven
“What are you doing here, please?” Madame Lulu snarled. She…
Chapter Eight
By the time the Baudelaire orphans found their way back…
Chapter Nine
The curious thing about being told to sleep on it—a…
Chapter Ten
“I’m going to the pit right now!” cried a woman…
Chapter Eleven
There is another writer I know, who, like myself, is…
Chapter Twelve
When the Baudelaire orphans finally opened their eyes, they found…
When the Baudelaire orphans finally opened their eyes, they found…
Chapter Thirteen
With the curtain parted, Violet and Klaus looked out the…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #10: The Slippery Slope
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
A man of my acquaintance once wrote a poem called…
Chapter Two
Violet took one last look over the misty peak, and…
Chapter Three
You may well wonder why there has been no account…
Chapter Four
That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights…
Chapter Five
When you have many questions on your mind, and you…
Chapter Six
In the very early hours of the morning, while the…
Chapter Seven
An associate of mine once wrote a novel called Corridors…
Chapter Eight
It is one of the peculiar truths of life that…
Chapter Nine
The two elder Baudelaires stood for a moment with Quigley,…
Chapter Ten
Violet and Quigley walked carefully across the frozen pool until…
Chapter Eleven
If you ever look at a picture of someone who…
Chapter Twelve
Not too long ago, in the Swedish city of Stockholm,…
Not too long ago, in the Swedish city of Stockholm,…
Chapter Thirteen
Count Olaf gasped, and raised his one eyebrow very high…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #11: The Grim Grotto
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
After a great deal of time examining oceans, investigating rainstorms,
and…
Chapter Two
“Right down here!” the echoey voice said, as the Baudelaire…
Chapter Three
The expression “Shiver me timbers!” comes from the society of…
Chapter Four
The expression “fits like a glove” is an odd one, because…
Chapter Five
When you are invited to dine, particularly with people you…
Chapter Six
“You youngsters look very spiffy in those helmets!” Phil said, with…
Chapter Seven
The word “lousy,” like the word “volunteer,” the word “fire,” the…
Chapter Eight
The water cycle consists of three phenomena: evaporation,
precipitation, and…
Chapter Nine
If you are considering a life of villainy—and I certainly…
Chapter Ten
The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles…
Chapter Eleven
“Aye!” Fiona said. “Aye! Aye! Aye! We’ll take you with…
“Aye!” Fiona said. “Aye! Aye! Aye! We’ll take you with…
Chapter Twelve
The expression “the tables have turned” is not one the…
Chapter Thirteen
The water cycle consists of three phenomena—evaporation,
precipitation, and…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #12: The Penultimate Peril
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
Certain people have said that the world is like a…
Chapter Two
If you were to hold this book up to a mirror, you…
Chapter Three
There are places where the world is quiet, but…
Chapter Four
When the elevator finally reached the roof, and the doors…
Chapter Five
When the elevator reached the sixth story,…
Chapter Six
When the elevator reached the third story,…
Chapter Seven
Quite a few things happened that day after…
Chapter Eight
The word “denouement” is not only the name…
Chapter Nine
“Ha!” Count Olaf shrieked, pointing at…
Chapter Ten
“What was that?” a voice called out.
Chapter Eleven
An old expression, used even before the schism,…
Chapter Twelve
The man with a beard but no hair stood up from…
Chapter Thirteen
“Ha!” Count Olaf crowed. “This takes the cake!”…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
A Series of Unfortunate Events #13: The End
Dear Reader
For Beatrice—
Chapter One
If you have ever peeled an onion, then you know…
Chapter Two
It is useless for me to describe to you how…
Chapter Three
As I’m sure you know, there are many words in…
Chapter Four
By the time the Baudelaire orphans returned to Ishmael’s tent,…
Chapter Five
Unless you are unusually insouciant—which is merely a fancy way…
Chapter Six
At this point, you may find yourself recognizing all of…
Chapter Seven
The predicament of the Baudelaire orphans as they sat abandoned…
Chapter Eight
Thinking about something is like picking up a stone when…
Chapter Nine
The phrase “in the dark,” as I’m sure you know,…
Chapter Ten
Ishmael stepped out of the darkness, running a hand along…
Ishmael stepped out of the darkness, running a hand along…
Chapter Eleven
Perhaps one night, when you were very small, someone tucked…
Chapter Twelve
It is a curious thing, but as one travels the…
Chapter Thirteen
It is a well-known but curious fact that the first…
Chapter Fourteen
The last entry in the Baudelaire parents’ handwriting in A…
To My Kind Editor
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Credits
Copyright
Dire Diversions
About the Author
About the Publisher
