Table Of Content1
Also by Preston C. Ni
How to Successfully Handle Narcissists
How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People, 2nd Edition
How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People
Seven Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success
How to Let Go of Negative Thoughts and Emotions
How to Successfully Handle Manipulative People
Communication Success with Four Personality Types
How to Get Over a Breakup – Keys to Healing and Happiness Again
For more information or to purchase, visit www.nipreston.com/publications.
Preston Ni is available as a presenter, workshop instructor, course designer, and private coach.
For more information, write to [email protected], or visit www.nipreston.com.
Copyright © 2015 Preston C. Ni. All rights reserved worldwide.
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No patent liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained herein. The author and
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Table of Contents
Introduction 4
Six Keys for Narcissists to Change Towards the Higher Self 5
Becoming Aware of Narcissistic Traits 13
Four Major Communication Mistakes to Avoid 20
Four Keys to Excellent People Skills 27
Seven Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success 36
Changing the Fear of Rejection 52
Changing Rumination About the Past and Self-Blame 54
Eight Keys to Life Hardiness and Resiliency 56
Select Bibliography 64
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Introduction
Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that the narcissist is someone who
has “buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and
replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alternate
persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, “above others,”
and self-absorbed.
Many chronic narcissists lose their way, and suffer significant personal
and/or professional setbacks during the course of their lives.
However, to the few who are self-aware, there is the unique opportunity to
evolve toward the Higher Self, signified by greater self-acceptance,
substantive success, and the capacity to engage in truly healthy, loving,
and lasting relationships.
Nobel laureate Anwar Sadat reminds us: “If you don’t have the capacity to
change yourself and your own attitudes, then nothing around you can
be changed.” To leave the narcissistic facade behind and become one’s
better self is to truly practice wisdom. The strategies and skills offered in
this book will show you how.
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Six Keys for Narcissists to Change
Towards the Higher Self
The Mayo Clinic research group defines narcissistic personality disorder as
“a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own
importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic
personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little
regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence
lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
The causes of pathological narcissism are complex and deep-seated. Many
narcissists are oblivious to their negative and often self-destructive
behavioral patterns, which typically result in them experiencing life lessons
the hard way. Negative consequences as the result of chronic narcissism
may include some of the following:
• Loneliness and isolation. Few healthy, close, and lasting
relationships.
• Family estrangement.
• Divorce.
• Relationship cut-offs from others feeling let down, disappointed, lied
to, used, manipulated, violated, exploited, betrayed, ripped-off,
demeaned, invalidated, or ignored.
• Missed opportunities from a lack of true substance and/or
connectedness.
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• Financial, career, or legal trouble from rule breaking, gross
irresponsibility, careless indulgence, or other indiscretions.
• Damaged personal and/or professional reputation.
However, for narcissists who have a degree of self-awareness, there are
ways to liberate oneself from the illusion of falsehood, begin the process of
inner healing, and progressively move towards manifesting the real, Higher
Self.
For the purpose of this writing, elements of realizing the Higher Self include
self-acceptance, substantive success, and the capacity to feel and engage
in truly healthy, loving, and lasting relationships.
Below are six keys for narcissists to progressively attain towards the Higher
Self. This information is general and introductory only. One should consult
with a qualified mental health professional for individualized guidance and
support. For the purpose of conveying immediacy, the following passages
are written as if they’re reaching out directly to a narcissist, even if the
present reader may not be one.
1. Be Aware of Boundaries and Practice Consideration
Benefits: Reduce work and personal relationship fallouts due to boundary
violation. Normalize and improve relationships.
Perhaps the single most important idea to keep in mind for a recovering
narcissist is to be cognizant of where the self ends, and another human
being begins. Exercise greater consideration for other people’s existence,
thoughts, and feelings. Practical tips on how to achieve this include:
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• Address people by their names, both in speaking and in writing.
• Listen at least as much as you talk.
• Express genuine interest in and curiosity about people in your life.
Ask appropriate questions to learn more about what’s new and
important to them.
• Be careful not to thoughtlessly intrude upon others’ personal space,
use their personal property, or take up their personal time without
permission. When making requests, ask instead of giving orders or
presuming that you know best. Awareness and vigilance are
necessary here, for narcissists are often good at asking
manipulatively to get what they want. Ask not with leading but open
questions. Give space for the other person to exercise free choice.
Respect the choice, even if it’s not what you want every time.
For more information on excellent people skills, see:
Four Major Communication Mistakes to Avoid (page 20)
Four Keys to Excellent People Skills (page 27)
Seven Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success (page 36)
2. Develop and Deliver Substance
Benefits: Reduce the stress, anxiety, and moral conflict (“inner nagging”)
that may come with having to pretend, lie, cheat, manipulate, exaggerate,
demean, malign, cut corners, take short cuts, or break promises, knowing
deep down that you are not whom you make yourself out to be. Increase
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the possibility of enjoying genuine, more durable personal as well as
professional relationships. Enhance your reputation as a person who is
solid, reliable, and dependable. Build trust from which many long-term
personal and professional connections, opportunities, and successes
emerge.
“In all things - substance! substance! substance!” is an excellent mantra for
many recovering narcissists, to repeat daily during decision points.
Practical tips on how to achieve this include:
• Do what you say you’re going to do. Keep promises, agreements, and
appointments.
• Conversely, avoid making any promises you can’t keep.
• When not able to follow through, be accountable and take responsibility.
Importantly, be pro-active and identify what you will do to rectify the
situation going forward. Build trust with your honor and integrity.
• Focus on making a measurable difference in your work and
relationships. Avoid actions and decisions that will cause others to feel
short-changed, cheated, used, belittled, manipulated, and
correspondingly disappointed. A good way to measure is whether
people are as happy after receiving what you deliver as when you
initially promised, and whether they like your substance enough to
repeat the interaction again.
3. Use Your Observer Self to Increase Mindfulness
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Benefits: Reduce friction, conflict, and misunderstandings. Increase
positive and constructive social interactions.
The Observer Self is a useful psychological resource that helps increase
awareness in many situations. It is the part of your consciousness that
exercises mindfulness, and helps you make intelligent, considerate
decisions. For example, if you’re speeding on the freeway in heavy rain,
you can either do so obliviously, or you can “observe” your driving, make a
mental note that you’re driving way too fast in bad weather, and consider
whether it would be safer to slow down. This mindful process is your
Observer Self in action.
In your relationships with people, when you suspect that your narcissistic
tendencies could get the best of you, elicit the help of your Observer Self
by asking one or more of the following questions:
“How is what I’m about to say or do going to come off?”
“How might someone feel on the receiving end of my communication and
behavior?”
“Could the other person feel used, slighted, looked down upon, or ignored
on the receiving end of my conduct?”
“Are my words and actions intended to show how ‘great,’ ‘unique,’ ‘special,’
and ‘superior’ I am?
Whenever we elicit the help of our Observer Self, we’re taking a healthy
look in the mirror, which may help us come across as more authentic
human beings.
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4. Seek Help and Support
Benefits: Increase awareness. Increase belongingness. Begin healing.
Reduce struggles in isolation.
Being a pathological narcissist is often a lonely experience with few
genuinely close relationships. It may be harder still to discuss inner
struggles and insecurities with people in your life. As you expand in your
awareness and develop, seriously consider eliciting the guidance of a
qualified therapist to work with you along the way, as well as appropriate
support groups facilitated by an experienced mental health professional.
These brave steps require self-honesty and courage, will have ups and
downs, but can ultimately be gratifying and rewarding. You’re on a
wondrous journey of self-discovery, and you certainly don’t have to do it
alone.
5. Permit Self-Forgiveness
Benefits: Facilitate the process of self-acceptance and healing.
As a narcissist increases in self-awareness, there may be an
accompanying sense of regret or remorse at the damage she or he has
done in life, both to herself and to others. One may think of oneself as a
“bad” person and wallow in guilt. During these moments, it’s extremely
important to be gentle with yourself, knowing that you did what you did in
order to cope and survive, that it wasn’t easy going through what you had
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