Table Of ContentA
PLEA FOR
MERSEY
OR
THEGENTLEART
OF
INSINUENDO
by
PETER MOLONEY
IllustratedbyAlanMoscrop
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First published1966
byThe GalleryPress
5Court HeyAve.
Roby,nr. Liverpool
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FOR NOELENE
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Contents
ABOUT THEAUTHOR...........................................................................................................5
INTRODUCTION.....................................................................................................................6
CARADOC TOBARADOC.....................................................................................................7
TESTPAPER 1........................................................................................................................14
"FITTO BUST".......................................................................................................................15
TESTPAPER 2........................................................................................................................24
FROM BARDTOVERSE......................................................................................................25
TESTPAPER 3........................................................................................................................38
GLOSSARY............................................................................................................................39
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PeterMoloney,B.A.(Scouse),A.D.B.(Drarmah) was bornthirty-five years ago,the
secondofsevenchildren ofa Liverpool Doctor. In his youthhewonmanyawards for
Debating,Boxing,Rugby, Gymnastics, ShootingandDrama,qualifications whichstoodhim in
goodsteadinhis abbreviatedcareers as alabourer,personnel assistant,nurse,docker,driver,
lifeguard,pea-viner,etc. Helaterspent two years as aCistercianNovice.
Duringhis National Servicehewas commissionedintheKing's (Liverpool) Regiment
andsawactiveservicewiththeParachuteRegiment inCyprus, Egypt andJordan.More
recentlyhehas seen activeserviceinschools intheDingle,andin Ikom (EasternNigeria),and
Cardinal AllenGrammar School, Liverpool; wherehenowteaches English.Somewhere along
thewayhehas foundtimetoacquire awife,Noelene,andthreedaughters.
PeterMoloneyhas made manyT.V.andRadiobroadcasts, wherehis wit as araconteur,
andhis masteryoftheScousedialect havemade
him manyfriends.
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INTRODUCTION
Ihavebeeninterestedineducationeversince Iwas expelledfrom myconvent
kindergarten forbitingSisteronaFriday.Myqualifications forattemptingaworkofthis kind
arebut slight.(Avisitingplumberlast weekdesignatedmea "closet ofthe first water!")My
first publicutterances weredestroyedbyaudience reaction:
"Iam conscious ...(Hear,hear!)"
"That Iam beingdone.. . (Hear,hear!)"
"A great honour... etc. etc."
Sincethen,words havedestroyedmygreat moments inlife. Irememberoncewhen I
was all dressedup, andsaid tothefamilyas Iwent out,"I've got ablinddate," andhowthey
replied,withonevoice, "she'dhavetobe!" Thentherewas theR.A.F. "dispatcher"onmyfirst
parachutejumpwho yelled"Go!"andwhen Iwas five yards out inspaceshouted,"As you
were!"
I'm not makingexcuses mind you. Inmyexperiencethis onlymakes things worse. I
dreadthe fateoftheUniversitylecturerwhowas introducingavisitingladybiologist.The
audiencetitteredwhenhesaid"IhavebeenintimatelyacquaintedwithMiss Smith,"so he
hastilyadded, "Inabiological way,of course." Ibelieveincallingaspade ablunt instrument,
andhavingthecourageofmyprevious convictions. LiketheScotsmanwhosent forthe
gravediggerwhenhis wifewas sick, "Idinaebelieveindealingwi middlemen."Thematerial I
herepresent has not previouslyappearedinlearnedjournals, norignorant ones neither.Every
singlewordis new—and most ofthemarriedones. If youenjoythis bookpleaserecommendit
to yourfriends. If youdon't enjoyit,please recommendit to yourenemies. If it's alibrarycopy,
keepit.Don't wait until thefilm comes out.
P.D.M.
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CARADOC TO BARADOC
(TheRise andFall of theRiver Mersey)
"LetusconsiderLiverpoolasawhole!"(SirJamesMountford).
Thehistoryofthis great cityis spreadaroundit in thepanoramaoftheplacenames of
theneighbouringtowns andvillages. Withinthecityboundaries is thegreat cemeteryofthe
earlypioneers, onceknownas Boot Hill,nowshortenedtoBootle.Tothe north,onthe Irish
Seacoast,is thetownwhichkept alivethepigtradewith Irelandduringthe timeof'the
troubles',still knowntomanyLiverpudlians byits oldnameofSowport,refinedbyits
inhabitants toSouthport.Furthernorthstill is amonument to Liverpool's connectionwiththe
slavetrade,onceknown as New Liverpool,but becauseofthenumberof escapedslaves who
madetheirwaythere,nowknownas Blackpool. Tothesouthlies Runcornwhosename comes
from thecorn runners of eighteenthcenturycornprohibition.NeartoRuncornis thetown
wherethespeedingmotorcyclists knownas "Mods"and "Rockers"fought theirfirst great
battle.Boththebattleandthebikes are recalledinthenames WarringTon.
EvenovertheMersey,in thepeninsulaknownas Wirral (from theoft repeated
Lancashireexpression"It's luvlytoday,wirral we go?"),theplacenames areof great historic
interest (cf.thewell knownstoryofhowaship-loadofpilgrim fathers, andmothers, sailed
from Brightonin1600,andlandedsix months lateronarockyfore-shore, whichtheytook
possessionofinthenameoftheQueenbyplantingtheflag,andhowtheycalledthecolony
'New Brighton', whichis thenameit still bears.)Youcantrace,if youwish, oneofPrince
Rupert's great punitiveexpeditions against theRound(or,as theysayinWirral, 'Birken')heads.
Thehunters started at Seacombe,wereovercome bydrought at Thurstaston,stayed overnight at
Neston,surprisedthe enemyand cut them topieces at Saughall Massie.
Let us leave asidetheotherplaces whosenames conjureupahost ofromantic
associations (suchas the birthplaceofjournalism—Prescot)and consider someofthe great
names inthecity's past.
Liverpool secededfrom thelandoftheWelsh at thetimewhenCaradoc,theWelsh
Prince,was playinghollies withpeople's heads (so,'Hollyhead,Hollywell',etc.).Caradochad
threesons—JohnnyBach, WillyBach, andJohannSebastianJones, whostartedhavingan
annual "do",oreisteddfod,whichmarkedthe gatheringofthe Llans, andwent on"all through
thenight."Caradoc's first namewas Edward. Inthedecisivebattleinthewarofsecession,the
Liverpudlians first heard that great challengetobattle,flungout byhis followers, andwhichis
still usedinthestreets ofLiverpool,"Cwm Ed!"
Caradoc's wife,Fanny,was awonderful cook,but hehadaninefficient butler,about
whom hewrote abestsellingnovel called "HowGreenWas MyValet."Despitehis
inefficiency,theefforts ofthebutlerhaveleft their culinarymarkon Liverpool—threeofits
favouritedishes beingcalledafterhis children—ConnyOnny,Wet Nelly,andScouse(afterhis
daughters ConnyandNellyandhis BoyScouse). Henceit is, that if youarediningout ina
Liverpool restaurant, yourordershouldbe "AdisherScouse,aplaterWet Nelly,an apinter
ConnyOnnyferde 'orse."Scouse andwet nellyareroughlyequivalent tohot-pot andsteam
pudding,but connyonnyis "condescendedmilk" from "contentedcoconuts."The approved
local methodof gettingthemilkfrom thecoconuts, ortins, is touseaverylowstool.
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The Pilgrims Land at New Brighton
From thetimeofCaradoc's deathonwards, Liverpool has beenseparated from Wales,
andthepeopleof Liverpool haveforgottenmost oftheirWelsh ancestry. Faint echoes
sometimes appear, as inthis conversation,recentlyoverheard:
"Les goanseeMobyDick,"saidthefirst younglady.
"Adoanlikedem sexyfillums,"repliedhermate.
"Snorrasexyfillum.Sabout whales."
"Adoanlikedem forreners, neither!"
PREHISTORY.Oneofthebeneficial results ofthegreat snuffminedisasterof1769was that it
enabledarchaeologists toconfirm that inprehistorical times Liverpool was joinedtoRussia,but
was coveredintropical vegetation,andhalf amile ofice.Recent excavationofaBootle
tumulus (actuallyanAnderson shelterofthelateplasticineera)confirmedthis bycarbondating
ofradio-activeblackpuddings foundonthesite.
Theinhabitants ofthese "ringworts,"tousethetechnical name,seem tohavebelonged
totwoseparate anddistinct types, or groups. Evidenceforthis consists ofthefact that they
apparentlyhad children.
Chesterwas aRomantown cut off(Latin: Castratus)from therest ofEngland.After
Bessiediceadefeatedthe Romans theyby-passed Liverpool andbuilt perfectlystraight roads,
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andleadwater-pipes (Latin: aqua-water,duco-lead)toGaul,Asia,Carthage,sprinklingmottoes
wherevertheywent.
The Liverpool countrysideseems tohavebeenroamedbythesamecreatures that still
stalkabroadtoday,the BevydazaNewt,the DocksideRed,theComicTern, theMan-hunting
Aliwaiter,theSable-clothedTigress,theGiant SlothorAunt-eater,theRhinocerboss,the Bird
ofParadiseStreet,andtheinsidious Oh-Go-Ona-Lizard.
HISTORICALORIGINS.AccordingtoDr.Ekwall,theOldEnglish word "lifrig"becamethe
"livered"sea,appliedtotheRedSea. Liverpool was thus the"livered"orthickpool.(Honest!).
Ithinkthat's a "livered" orthickexplanation.ClearlytheRoyal Charter grantedbyKingJohnto
"certainsimpleBurghers intheManorofWalton" was giveninafit ofanger.Theywerenot
such simpleBurghers as not torealisethat this was, as theylaterrecorded, "a gift not from his
Majesty's heart but from theRoyal Liver." Theycommemoratedthesciroticoccasionby
erectingtheRoyal Liver BuildingnearthePool of theRiverMersey, which thereafterwas
knownas the LiverPool. Theoriginal Burgageholders hadrights ofquit-rent overtheirlands,
"animal,vegetable,and manurial."Eachholdingalso ownedoneselion(from thepool)upto
168innumber.Theseselions wereeventuallykilledoffbythe combinedefforts ofa cormorant
anda great seal.The great seal was caught andringed withthenameofhis owner("Johannis"),
andofhis keepers ("Sigillum ConmuneBorgensium de Leverpol"[This seal belongs tothe
commonburghers of Liverpool]).
TheCollegeofArms in 1797grantedthe Boroughacoat-of-arms commemoratingthe
extinctionoftheselionsandfeaturingthe great seal andthecormorant withabunchofseaweed
inits mouth.(Thecitymottowas addedlater,ontheoccasionoftheopeningofthe Leece
Street LabourExchange, whichstill proudlyproclaims, "Deus nobis haecotiafecit"or "God
gaveus unemployment." Theuniversitylater alteredthis mottotomakeitsown,"Haecotia
studiafovent"or"Gerrit inthebuke.")
Liverpool first hadamayorin1352.Uptothat datethemanwhomessed everythingup
was alord's bailiff (MajorBallivus),whoheldeverythingas "soc andsac andthol andtheam
andinfangenefeth"("powertohit [soc],andtodismiss [sac],singly[thol],oringroups
[theams] andtohavea'whatsit widatingyoon'[infangenethef]"). In1207 muchof Lancashire
was strippedofforests, henceWilliam deFerres'great battlecry"Mento yourhorses; dogs to
yourposts".However,Toxteth,Croxteth,andSimonswoodwere reserved forhunting, as they
aretoday.Aninterestingentryin anearlyPipeRoll (tobaccotax form)is toJohnMooreof
BankHall,adescendant ofwhom madean exhibition ofhimselfinourownday.
THE INDUSTRIALREVOLUTION. Liverpool hadsomeofthemost revoltingindustrialists in
England, especiallyinshipbuilding,pottery, and watch-making. Between 1750and1780
Liverpool potteryhadbecomeso famous that if youwent intoanyhotel inthelength and
breadthofthelandandasked"Where's thechambermaid?"theywouldreply"Liverpool!"and
it wouldhavebeen.The watchindustryreplacedthe Lancashirecottonindustrywhich was
killedbyCardinal Wolsey's cripplingtax onunderwear; theCombinationacts. Thesurplus of
manpowerwas absorbed bytheNavyandthe Army. An earlydocument says "In1745,the
Regiment of Liverpool Blues went tothesiegeof Carlisle". In1966thesameRegiment was at
theBattleofWembley.
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The Mersey Tunnel
Thegreatest industrial achievement ofourowndayis undoubtedlytheMerseyTunnel.
This was built byIrishmenwhocameoverhere,tookonelook,anddecided todigtheirway
backhomeagain.The greatest monument in Liverpool todayis eitherasymbolical gentleman
calledWilly(Jump?),England's first maninspace,ortheEmpiremonument,whereQueen
Victoriashowsherdominionoverall peoplebysittingonathrone, carryingorb andsceptre,
withherfeet astridesigns proclaiming"Ladies" and"Gentlemen".
THEMANX INFLUENCE. If you ask anyonetheoldriddle"What has onewheel andflies?"
theywill tell you"abarrowfull ofmanure." But if you ask them thecorollary"What has three
legs and flies?"veryfew will beabletogive youthecorrect answerwhich is, ofcourse, "Manx
trousers".
It is throughthe Isleof Manx that Liverpool has its connections withthesea.The
Vikings andNorsemenwererenownedinfableandlegendfrom Icelandto theScillyIsles.
Thosewhohadnotales were calledManx andsent tothe IsleofMona(or MaggieMay)
whencetheysignedatreatywiththeWelsh-Anglo-Irish inhabitants of Liverpool,proclaiminga
"great peacetobekept henceforthfrom NorthtoScouse."Thetreatywas solemnizedinagreat
"bringandbuysale"(or "Wapentake")at whichtheGodofSpring,the great "Thaw",appeared
andsaidthat henceforth all Trolls werehonoraryDiddymen andvice-versa.Sincethis timethe
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