A parent's guide to raising grieving children : rebuilding your family after the death of a loved one

271 Pages·2009·1.079 MB·English

by  Silverman, Phyllis R., Kelly, Madelyn

A PARENT’S GUIDE TO
RAISING GRIEVING
CHILDREN
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A PARENT’S GUIDE TO
RAISING GRIEVING
CHILDREN
Rebuilding Your Family after the Death of a Loved One
Phyllis R. Silverman
Madelyn Kelly
1
2009
1
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Copyright©2009byOxfordUniversityPress,Inc.
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Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,
storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmitted,inanyformorbyanymeans,
electronic,mechanical,photocopying,recording,orotherwise,
withoutthepriorpermissionofOxfordUniversityPress.
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Silverman,PhyllisR.
Aparent’sguidetoraisinggrievingchildren:rebuildingyourfamilyafter
thedeathofalovedone/PhyllisR.SilvermanandMadelynKelly.
p. cm.
ISBN978-0-19-532884-4
1. Griefinchildren. 2. Bereavementinchildren. 3. Parenting.
4. Childrearing. I. Kelly,Madelyn. II. Title.
BF723.G75S552009
155.9(cid:1)37083—dc22
2008044055
1 3 5 7 9 8 6 4 2
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
onacid-freepaper
ToEloiseCole,1942–2005,whoneverstoppedgivinguntiltherewasno
moretime.
—PRS
ForTomandJack,whoarethereasonwhy.
AndforMike:alwayswithus;alwaysmissed.
—MSK
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Acknowledgments
Thisbookwouldnotexistwithoutthebraveryandhonestyofthemanywidows,
widowers,andchildrenwhosharedwithustheirdarkestmemories,theirsaddest
thoughts, their tentative steps, and their emerging hopes. They did it for you,
toaccompanyyouandguideyouthroughthisterriblejourneyofloss.
Readers often ask if what we say is supported by research. Phyllis has been
talking to grieving parents and children for decades, including her pivotal role
as project director and co-principal investigator of the Harvard/MGH Child
Bereavement study. Parents who lost a spouse and children who lost a parent
wereeagertotellhertheirstories,bothtohonorthepersonwhodiedandtolet
othersbenefitfromtheirexperience. Partofourunderstandingofgriefandits
impactonchildrencomesfromthisimportantresearch.
Phyllis has also spoken to families and colleagues at centers for grieving
children all over the United States. Donna Schurmann, director of the Dougy
CenterinPortland,Oregonisafriendwhohasalwayssupportedherwork.
Program Director Donna Scharff and Executive Director Barbara Clarke
at The Children’s Room in Arlington, Massachusetts couldn’t have been more
helpful and encouraging throughout this long project. Members of the Parent
CouncilandtheTeenAgeTheatreGroupalsowillinglyaddedtheirexperiences.
MadelynfoundsolidarityandsupportinTheChildren’sRoom’sThursday“B”
group, along with new perspectives and numerous personal stories that helped
shapethisbook.
We promised anonymity to all who told their tales; therefore, we do not
namethemhere.
In this journey, Phyllis met Eloise Cole, a bereaved parent who founded
NEWSONG,abereavementcenterinPhoenix,Arizona.Shewasexcitedabout
thisbookbutdidnotlivetoseeitsbirth.WethanktheAlonFamilyforsharing
the pain of watching their daughter Yael die, and for encouraging her friends
totalktoPhyllisaboutwhatthatdeathmeanttothem.TinaChery,whoseson
vii
viii A PARENT’S GUIDE TO RAISING GRIEVING CHILDREN
wasthevictimofanaccidentalneighborhoodshooting,foundawaytobepart
ofthesolution,notpartoftheproblem.SpecialthanksgotoPhyllis’sdaughter,
GilaSilverman,whowrotewithmuchfeelingaboutthemeaningofherfriend’s
suicide.
Three of Madelyn’s friends contributed their own stories of great grief and
great wisdom to this book, along with endless guidance and support for her:
SusanMoran,themerrywidow,fullofcompassion,empathy,andrealhumor;
and Pam Walter and Mary Ann McGann, both of whom learned the hardest
wayaboutthelifelongimpactoflosingaparent.
Theanonymitywepromised,intheend,meantlittletothesefriends.They
sawthisbookasatributetotheirlostlovedones,andasawayofhonoringtheir
livesbyhelpingothers.
WewereblessedwithwonderfuleditorsatOxfordUniversityPress.Maura
Roessner was patient and generous and put up with an awful lot of second
(and third) guessing. Mallory Jensen was able to ferret out ideas that weren’t
fullythoughtthroughandphrasesthatwerelessthanfelicitous,andwasalways
available to us. Maura and Mallory, you always made us feel like you were on
ourside,andthatwewereinthistogether.Thankyou.
Ourgreatestappreciationgoes toourfamilies.Thisbooktookalongtime
to get done, and Phyllis thanks her husband Sam for his patience, for his
encouragement,andforhisdelightinfinallyseeingitfinished.
Madelyn’ssonsTomandJackKellyprovideloveandencouragementtotheir
mom every day; they bravely shared their feelings and perceptions about their
terrible loss for this book. Madelyn is deeply grateful to Tom and Jack and to
thosewhomournalongsidethem:toMike’sfamily—TomandMargueriteKelly,
Katy Kelly and Steve Bottorff, Meg and Tony Rizzoli, and Nell and Dennis
Conroy—who have nothing in common with any of the bad in-laws in the
book; and to her family—Anita and Irwin Greenberg, Cheryl Greenberg and
DanLloyd—whosteppedintothebreachwithher,andneverleft.
PHYLLIS ROLFE SILVERMAN
MADELYN KELLY
Contents
1 ROAD MAP FOR A LONG JOURNEY 1
YouDon’tHavetoDoThisAlone 2
WhyWeWroteThisBook 4
HowtoReadThisBook 7
SomeWordsofAdvice 8
2 WHAT DEATH MEANS TO CHILDREN 12
AgeMatters 13
Preschool-AgeChildren:ALimitedConceptofDeath 17
ElementarySchool-AgeChildren:AGrowingUnderstandingof
Death 21
TheTeenageYears:AFullerComprehension 28
3 SOMEONE I LOVE IS DYING 34
GettingBadNews 35
HowtoGetHelp 43
MySpouseIsDying:AnticipatingLivingasaSingle
Parent 52
MyChildIsDying:AnticipatinganAlteredFamily 55
4 SOMEONE I LOVE HAS DIED 60
TheFinalityofDeath:TheDoorIsClosed 63
HowChildrenReact 64
StaggeringThrough 70
MakingDecisions 72
RitesandRituals 77
ix