Table Of ContentA Helping Hand
Mediation with
Nonviolent Communication
2nd Edition
Liv Larsson
Friare Liv
Mjösjölidvägen 477,946 40 Svensbyn
Sweden
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www.friareliv.se
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© Copyright: Liv Larsson 2010. Original title Skapa möten och kontakt genom medling, att agera tredje part med hjälp av Nonviolent
Communication.
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Friare Liv AB
Mjösjölidvägen 477
946 40 Svensbyn
Sweden
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Author: Liv Larsson
Translation: Johan Rinman
Layout: Kay Rung
Cover design: Vilhelm PH Nilsson www.communicationforlife.org/vilhelm/
ISBN 978-91-8748-910-5
Ebooksproduction: Publit, 2013
What People say about The Helping Hand, Mediation with
Nonviolent Communication and Liv Larsson’s work
In April – May 2010 we had the worst political conflict in our society. Once again, my colleagues and I used mediation skills in
acting as the third party in conflict. In one incident, a friend and I were in the middle of a conflict between a group of anti-
government protesters and a group of soldiers who were holding rifles in postures ready to shoot. We ran between the two sides and
helped them communicate with each other. Finally, the problem was solved peacefully and no one was injured. I used mediation
skills at my best efforts to save not only other people’s lives but also my own.
At the personal level, the mediation skills I learned from Liv and Kay1 helped ground me when facing violent conflicts. I used these
skills when dealing with people from all sides, who were full of anger, fear, and grief. Seeing how mediation skills learned from Liv
and Kay worked in the midst of conflicts and could save lives, I would recommend them to anyone.
- Pairin Jotisakulratana Peace activist Thailand
I appreciate the attention to the underlying thinking that exacerbates conflict and also the shift of consciousness that invites conflict as
a way of deepening our understanding and connection.
- Jori Manske, Restorative Mediator and CNVC certified trainer
I have grown to have a deep appreciation for Liv’s incorporation of Non-violent Communication into her life. When I heard that she
had written a book on what she has learned in offering trainings in NVC mediation, I was pleased because of my personal dream of
trainers offering NVC mediation trainings . I am confident that Liv’s book will lead the way for trainers and mediators in many
places.”
- Ike Lasater, author of Words That Work In Business: A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace
I thoroughly enjoy Liv and Kay’s mediation training. They have broken down an art form into specific, do-able steps that I can
follow and practice. I particularly like their easy-to-remember “hand” skill map where each finger represents a mediation skill. First,
we work with a skill through written exercises so we have some time to think about it. Then, we try out each skill in a mediation triad
format, and progress to combining them together into more complex skills. So, from something I find daunting and difficult, Liv and
Kay have turned mediation into a fun, fast pace learning experience. My deep appreciation to both of you!!
- Kanya Peaceworker and NVC teacher in Thailand
This book is like a GPS system that helps you navigate through the process of learning mediation with ease, no matter if you are a
single parent whose kids are fighting every day or a professional relationship counselor. With each practical exercise you complete,
you will gain confidence in your mediation skills. You will find out where your strengths and growing edges in mediation are, and
thus be able to practice more efficiently. The self-reflection exercises will invite you to deeply inquire into your motivation for
mediating, allowing you to be aware where e.g. your passion for people’s freedom of choice might turn into a blind spot. With the
toolbox that this book provides, rather than hoping that you would know what to do when others are fighting and when so many
things are happening at the same time, you will have clear focal points for your attention.
I used to think of mediation as something that only people with years of professional training and experience could do and to feel
overwhelmed when others started fighting. Nowadays I lead workshops that help advanced NVC practitioners refine their mediation
skills. “The helping hand” has been a major instrument in turning me from a cheering observer of Marshall Rosenberg’s international
mediation successes into someone passionately teaching and mentoring others.
- Ariane Korth, Undefend Yourself Trainer, BayNVC Leadership Program ‘10 Participant and ‘11 Assistant Trainer
1. Mediation colleague ↵
Contents
Preface
Summary of the book
Chapter 1 Mediation
What is mediation?
Our view of human nature affects our ability to mediate
A need-based view of human nature
Mediation as a natural part of our culture?
Justice has to be done???
Our words carry our view of human nature
Chapter 2 The dream - a world without conflict?
Conflict – crisis or possibility?
The difference between domination cultures and life - serving cultures
Win-Win or zero-sum games
Chapter 3 Minding other peoples’ business
Mediating without being invited
When the mediator is not received
Civil courage or disrespectful behavior?
Passivity supports violence
Passivity and obedience
Your internal reaction when people around you are in conflict
Your internal reaction to other peoples’ conflicts when you want to give advice or “fix it”
Chapter 4 Sweet revenge and losing face
How revenge became sweet
Revenge and forgiveness – two sides of the same coin
The core of mediation, revenge and reconciliation
Empathy instead of “forgive me”
To apologize with the help of NVC
Losing face
What do you do to avoid losing face?
Never do anything to avoid shame or guilt
Chapter 5 Nonviolent Communication as an approach to mediation
Nonviolent Communication
Basic principles of NVC
When mediation can be used
Mediation can be used in conflicts
The model
Needs - our common denominator
Cause or stimulus
Some of our common human needs
Feelings – the children of needs
Strong feelings - a help or a hindrance?
Some basic feelings we all have
When it comes to making requests in mediation
Practice asking for what you want
Challenges
To be able to differentiate observing from judging
Static language vs process-oriented language
Enemy images
Observation or interpretation, depending on the point of view
Conflicts lead to conflict
Reflect on “Conflict”
Conflicts exist on the level of strategies - not on the level of needs
Empathy
When we choose something else than empathy
The difference between empathy and sympathy
Advice instead of empathy
Reflecting back exactly what someone has said
Mixing feelings with thoughts
Sort out your listening
The ultimate solution
The price we pay for getting stuck defending one position
How big is the cake?
Compromising or shifting
Body language that matches the words
Touch
Chapter 6 The mediator’s tool box
Tools used at a mediation
1. Listening, translating and rephrasing what is being expressed
2.“Pulling someone by the ear” – helping the parties to understand each other
3. To interrupt
4. First aid-empathy
5. Self-Empathy - to empathize with oneself
6. Tracking - to follow what is going on
Cycles
Problem-solving or reconciliation
Educate or mediate
Summary of the mediators’ role
Chapter 7 Practise practise practise
Preparing to mediate
Pitfalls and benefits
Be clear about your purpose in mediating
Translating expressions that can get in the way of connection
Translating what is being expressed so that it contributes to connection
Reflecting – What have I learned from these exercises?
Practising “Pulling someone by the ear”
Written exercise - “Pulling someone by the ear”
Exercise in interrupting
Writing exercise in interrupting
Exercise in interrupting and giving first aid-empathy
The roles to be taken
Writing exercise - in interrupting and giving first aid-empathy
Reflecting
In depth exercise in interrupting
Practising Self-Empathy during mediation
Exercise in tracking needs
Exercise informal mediation - in slow motion
Chapter 8 Formal mediation
To mediate after being invited to do so
What happens during a mediation
Meeting with the parties before the mediation
The mediator’s preparations
Background information
Prepare yourself to mediate
The sense of free choice -a prerequisite for a successful mediation
If someone hears demands and rebels
If someone hears demands and “gives in”
The neutral mediator
Two mediators or one?
The place for the mediation
The start of the mediation
Who starts?
Time frames
Solutions and agreements
Clear requests can prevent conflicts
Focus on the core of the conflict
After the mediation
Reminders to the mediator
Mediation in five steps
Mediation step by step
Practicing formal mediation - in slow motion
Chapter 9 Challenges and opportunities
Variations of mediation
1. When neither party wants to listen
2. In different rooms
3. Communication through the mediator
4a. The mediator takes one of the roles
4b. Two mediators each take a role
5. Record the talks
6. Threatening situations
7. The mediator as a fellow human
The mediator’s responsibility
Situations where mediation might not be a good idea
Process or a separate event - shuttle mediation
The purpose of a shuttle mediation
Shuttle mediation – preparations
Exercise in shuttle mediation
Roles
It’s not about doing “the right thing”
Our choices will affect others
Moral development
Mediation in crime
Summary - What mediation in crime can contribute to:
Restorative justice
Traditional legal system:
Restorative system:
Summary of Restorative justice
Mediation in the work place
Appreciation - Conflict prevention
Appreciation à la NVC
Daily nutrition
Conflict is costly
Escalating or lowering conflicts
Learn from your mistakes
Evaluating your mediation skills
Celebrate your successes and learn from them
Chapter 10 Mediation between children
Mediation between children
If the adult chooses not to intervene
If the adult stops the conflict rather than attempting to mediate
If the adult compares
More results of comparing
Describe what you see rather than compare
Using power to protect
When an adult tries to mediate by using punishment
Mediate between children
Some final words
Study plan
First session
Second session
Third session
Fourth session
Fifth session
Sixth session and onwards
Everyday expression for needs
The model
Some basic feelings we all have
Some basic needs we all have
References and literature
Electronic sources
Thank you
About the author
Preface
I grew up in Norrbotten, in northern Sweden, and it was common to be either directly or distantly
related to the people one met. On numerous occasions while growing up, I was both irritated and felt
embarrassed when my parents would start every new acquaintance trying to figure out how we were
related to each other.
When I started to get interested in conflict resolution and mediation, I realized that there were
actually reasons to appreciate this interest in kinship. I was helped by seeing that this exploration can
contribute in a constructive way to conflict resolution, by making it clear that we are connected, and
how our actions can affect others. I realized that there are certain cultures, for example in New
Guinea, that deal with conflicts by having a third party help the people involved better understand how
they are related to each other. In this way it becomes clear how their own actions can affect both their
closest family and relatives, and even target themselves.
One of the principles in Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the approach that this book draws
upon, is that we are interdependent. The purpose of NVC is to create a connection between us where
we wish for everyone’s needs to be considered and met to the greatest possible extent. To be able to
create this quality of connection, we have to be willing to realize that our actions affect others.
Many of us act as a third party daily, though we might not think of ourselves as mediators. This can
be in situations where we actively try to understand, and maybe intervene, when it seems others are
struggling to connect. This can be between children, people in our workgroup, or among friends.
The founder of NVC, Marshall Rosenberg, has mediated in different conflict situations around the
world for over 40 years. Rosenberg views needs as the common driving force behind everything
humans do. He understands all emotional experiences to be dependent upon whether our needs are
being met or not, and his discoveries have been of great help for me in my work as a mediator. There
are many approaches to mediation. I have chosen to deepen my understanding of NVC because it
contains very concrete tools that have strengthened my ability to act as a third party.
“Genuine cooperation is inspired when participants trust that their own needs and values will be respectfully addressed.
The Nonviolent Communication process is based on respectful practices that foster genuine cooperation.”
Marshall Rosenberg1
When I first started to mediate, it was a big challenge for me. However, I gradually learned how
different parts of NVC could be woven together as a whole. This helped me to develop my mediation
skills and became the foundation for the exercises in this book. I have worked things out over a period
of many years and I hope that what I share can facilitate your ability to act as a third party in an
effective way. With this taken into consideration, I have also written a chapter with exercises to
inspire you in actively practicing mediation.
