When happily ever after ends: how to survive your divorce--emotionally, financially, and legally

290 Pages·2006·4.93 MB·English

by  Covy

W
HEN
DIVORCE IS TOUGH. It’s filled with painful emotions W
that can stop you in your tracks. But what you are feeling
H
right now does not have to take over your life.
H
E
APPILY
N
When Happily Ever After Ends shows you how to regain control. It
empowersyou to look at yourself and your situation,and find a way through
H
this time that will leave you financially sound and legally protected.By gaining
E A
A
an understanding of the three universal laws of every divorce,you can walk
VER FTER
P
through this process with your head held high and dignity intact,and emerge
P
a strong and healthy person.
I
L
ENDS
Y
With When Happily Ever After Ends,you can—
• Master the seven principles of negotiation
E
• Craft a settlement that gets you what you want
V
• Navigate through the litigation process knowledgeably—not in fear
E
• Create a financial plan that you can live with
R
• Learn better ways to cope when dealing with an ex
A
There is no magical fix and you can’t bury your head in the sand.However,
F
there is a clear path with a true end in sight,and the knowledge this book T
provides can make you BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE. E
How to Survive Your Divorce—
R
Karen A. Covy,J.D.,is an attorney and family law mediator in Chicago,Illinois.She
owns and operates Midwest Mediation,Inc.,as well as a successful law firm that focuses E Emotionally, Financially
on family law. Ms.Covy is an arbitrator for the American Arbitration Association and
N
a volunteer facilitator for the Domestic Relations Division of the Cook County Court
System.She is an adjunct law professor at John Marshall Law School and a member of D and Legally
the Association for Conflict Resolution. Ms.Covy has been a practicing attorney for
over twenty years. S
Self-Help/Legal Reference ISBN-10:1-57248-548-5
COVY
$14.95 U.S./$20.95 CAN ISBN-13:978-1-57248-548-8
SPHINX® PUBLISHING KAREN A. COVY, J.D.
ANIMPRINTOFSOURCEBOOKS,INC.® C N
NAPERVILLE,ILLINOIS UP EA
www.SphinxLegal.com
W
HEN
H
APPILY
E A
VER FTER
ENDS
how to survive your divorce—
emotionally, financially and legally
By Karen A. Covy, JD
S P
PHINX® UBLISHING
ANIMPRINTOFSOURCEBOOKS,INC.®
NAPERVILLE,ILLINOIS
www.SphinxLegal.com
Copyright © 2006 by Karen A. Covy
Cover and internal design © 2006 by Sourcebooks, Inc.®
Cover art © by Getty Images
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic
or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case
of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing
from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.®Purchasers of the book are granted a license to use the
forms contained herein for their own personal use. No claim of copyright is made in any gov-
ernment form reproduced herein.
First Edition: 2006
Published by: Sphinx®Publishing, An Imprint of Sourcebooks, Inc.®
Naperville Office
P.O. Box 4410
Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410
630-961-3900
Fax: [phone]
www.sourcebooks.com
www.SphinxLegal.com
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritativeinformation in regard to
the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged
in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert
assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.
From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the
American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations
This product is not a substitute for legal advice.
Disclaimer required by Texas statutes.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Covy, Karen A.
When happily ever after ends : howtosurvive your divorce--emotionally,
financially and legally / byKaren A. Covy.-- 1st ed.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN-13: E978-1-57248-548-8-548-8 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN-10: E1-57248-548-5-548-5 (pbk. : alk. paper)
1. Divorce--United States. 2. Divorce settlements--United States--Popular
works. I. Title.
HQ834.C75 2006
306.89--dc22 2006008120
Printed and bound in the United States of America.
VP — 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
This book is dedicated to my father, Stanley Covy,
without whose wisdom and loving support
I would never have known
what to say.

A
CKNOWLEDGMENTS
I would like to thank the entire staff at Sphinx Publishing, including
Michael Bowen, Sarah Brittin, and my fabulous publicist, Genene
Murphy. I would also like to thank Dianne Wheeler for having the
courage to take a risk with a new author, and for taking the time to help
me become one. Finally, I would like to thank my mentor, Kim Clark,
as well as my family and friends, who encouraged and supported me
while I wrote this book.

Contents
I . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
NTRODUCTION XI
C 1: T R U
HAPTER HE EALITY AND NREALITY
D . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1
OF IVORCE
The Reality of Marriage
The Reality of Divorce
Your Attitude Determines How Well You Will
Get Through the Process
Your Attitude Affects Your Behavior, and
Your Behavior Affects Everything Else
Change Your Own Behavior and You Will Change
the Entire Course of Your Divorce
C 2: T U L D . . . . . . . . . 13
HAPTER HE NIVERSAL AWS OF IVORCE
The Law of Responsibility
The Law of Control
The Law of Karma
C 3: C P A
HAPTER REATING A RODUCTIVE TTITUDE
Y D . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27
IN OUR IVORCE
Perspective
Getting Past the Obstacles that Make You Lose Perspective
Understanding Limitations Keeps Things in Perspective
C 4: T U L
HAPTER HE NIVERSAL AWS AND
L P . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45
THE ITIGATION ROCESS
The Reality of No-Fault Divorce
Divorce 101—Your Case from Filing to Judgment
The Realities of Litigation
The Limitations of the Legal System
The Laws of the Universe and the Reality of the Legal System
C 5: A C . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .59
HAPTER LTERNATIVES TO OURT
Mediation
Arbitration
Negotiation
Collaborative Law
Counseling
C 6: T R R A . . . . . 73
HAPTER HE EALITY OF THE IGHT TTORNEY
Sharks Don’t Just Bite Your Spouse
Choosing the Right Lawyer
So You Have an Attorney—Now What?
What to Do When Your Lawyer Doesn’t Work Out
C 7: T F R
HAPTER HE INANCIAL EALITIES OF
S S . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .87
POUSAL UPPORT
Alimony Today
Fear, Support, and the Will to Survive
The Law of Responsibility and the Reality of Support
Make a Budget
Controlling Your Emotions while Supporting Your Ex
C 8: D Y S
HAPTER IVIDING OUR TUFF AND
P Y D . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .105
AYING OUR EBTS
Money, Money, Money
You Can’t Divide What You Don’t Know Exists
Finding Hidden Assets
Understanding Your Finances
Property 101
Valuing Your Assets
Fighting Over Your Debt
What to Do After You Know What You Have
viii when happily ever after ends
C 9: N P
HAPTER EGOTIATING A ROPERTY
S . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .127
ETTLEMENT
Negotiation in a Nutshell
Applying the Negotiation Principles
C 10: S , G , O T
HAPTER TRATEGIES AMES AND THER HINGS
W M Y C . . . . . . . . . . . 145
THAT ILL AKE OU RAZY
The Divorce Game
The Scorch and Burn Divorce
The Ostrich Technique
The Refusal of Responsibility Game
The Expert in Everything Approach
The Constant Mind-Changer
The Righteously Indignant
The Eternal Victim
It’s Not a Good Idea to Play Games with Your Life
C 11: D D S . . . . . . . 163
HAPTER EALING WITH A IFFICULT POUSE
The Two Types of Difficult Spouses
Identifying Your Difficult Spouse
Dealing with the Temporarily Difficult Spouse
Dealing with the Permanently Insane Spouse
Dealing with a Physically Abusive Spouse
Nonviolent Abusive Spouses
If You Want to Win, Stop Playing the Game
Act, Don’t React
Doing the Right Thing
Pick Your Battles
How to Cope When the Insanity Won’t Stop
The Role of Compassion
C 12: T R C ,
HAPTER HE EALITIES OF USTODY
V , C S . . . . . . . . 185
ISITATION AND HILD UPPORT
Understanding Legal Custody
Understanding Residential Custody
Visitation
What Happens When Parents Fight
What to Do about the Absentee Parent
contents ix