Toike Oike, volume 98, issue 5

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TheToikeOike,VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005-Page11
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Page8-TheToikeOike, VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005
NEWS
Your Crappy New
BRIEFS
Year’s Resolution
ByRustySt.Claire
CAUCASIANSTUDENTRECEIVES
'A'INORDINARYDIFFERENTIAL
EQUATIONS
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TheToikeOike,VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005-Page9
CLUBBING
WithTommyB.
It’sWednesdaynight;you’resittingin very likely completely cut off your
yourroomwatchingillicitvideos,an- chancesforsex.Herearesomeopening
ticipatingthatincriminatingknockon linesthatyoucanuse:
thedoor.Youthinktoyourself:“Surely
tMlehateyrmebe’esgaieftbIaejttutisestrsguwoeatfyiorfsttfo.”msWypeelflnat,d,fmloalyzlyotwiasmmse.e!.. --lIiOst-tiltRe-csoGll-udtE?i-nE.herUeT,-obroyarse,ywoeujluiskteaohrogrene!y
aningdhtI’allndtewaaclhkytoouwahrodwstthoeblrigehatt!hCeotmhee m -YTEhAeAAlAib.raWrOyOc-alHlAedA:!!thYeEyAwHaHn!t!their
on,let’sgoclubbing! booksback.*clickclick*
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causethetermalsomeansattendinga tomusicbysomeonewithminimalex- notbediscouraged:itisnotyourfault
placecalleda“nightclub,”wheremusic perienceorintelligence: andcertainlynotmine.Simplyrepeat
isplayedatunnecessarilyloudinten- theprocesstoeveryotherhotwoman
Join t ilt* party. It's not hard. ysiotuiers.WeIdfntehsedrae’ys,aIbheatvteenr'twhaeyartodsofpeitn.d CItl’searenaltlhyenoGtlaasssdeisfficultasitsounds. uknntoiwlleyodugredowpietnhiangfavlionuerahbalserbeeseponnsaec.-
Allyouhavetodoistakethebottom Itrustyoucanhandletherest.
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**AU ACCESS Pre ma ireThursdays • • tcoombpeuatpeprrosaaclheesdmabnyacavlelreydiant“ibmoiudnacteirn.g" hraubvethtoeemnodvsefyooruarwlheiglse.orYoanuydtohni’ntg!even Hesotwed?doPhyroausesknliokwe“iffuschke’osff,nodtipsihnitte,r”-
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somewhere.Theguyyouspitonwillbe inthegenitalsorreceivingfreehappy
Nowthatyou’vearrivedinsidetheclub, reallypissedatyouandbeatinghimup juiceinyourfacearenotsignsofcourt-
FeaturingTDO,1 s TURNTABLEDj yIocuallne“ehdaptpoyijnugiecset.”anJuesntewraglykdruipnktotthhaet willscorelotsofpointswiththeladies. srheiapl.lyTwhaenret.edNtoowdoison’ntWtehadtnewshdaaty,yoinu-
DJ. LilBido barandordersomethingcalled“vodka Nowyou’rereadytostarthittingonhot steadoffornicatinginfrontofacom-
straight.”Regardlessofwhatyoumay women.Beforeyouevenstartthispart puterscreen?Ithoughtso.
thinkofballet,dancingataclubisn’t ofyournight,youneedtomakesure
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clubissick...bro" youseeonYongeStreet.Thisactually pacity.Onceyouaresure,youshould
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".I dry ights 01 I 0.85AM Top 10 Places To Go Clubbing
99HotCarlStreet;nocoverbefore9
Entranceor vintherear
10. The Metro Toronto Zoo
Seriously...
9. Petsmart
ortadhiearteneitwlsipkaepmeorsonobneacmasmpouutsosfitmhpeliyr 8. Queen’s Park
assholes. Shit,I’vealreadysuccumbed
tohumour-articletacticsofswearing The Arctic
andalludingtotheanus. (Ihopethat 7.
usingthescientifictermdirectlyafter
wardsasIhavedonewillrepairthefor 6. Your Local Fish Pond
merslip-up). Imustconcentrateifthis
isgoingtowork. 5. The National Seal Museum
Now,whatserioustopictochoose?Ah
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issues." WhileIdonotpretendthat IfI were myformer comedy-writing 3. NorthYork Senior’s Home
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basistoproducesuch“news."Instead pusnewspapersoperate. Sowhatifhe
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persseemtobeheadingtowardsthat ofnearby‘Frisco?
wthheic“hspotohfe’.Toikeholdsnearanddear, Havingsufficientlylostthe attention Human Resources Management
ofmyreadershalfwaythroughmyat- TO
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arewillingtoforgotheprintingofac- articlesthatgettothepoint? Toend resourcesdepartment.
tualstudenteventssothatsomewriter onaseriousnote,seeingasendingon Humbercanprepareyouforprofessionaldesignation/
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articles,thenIseenoreasonformenot paperscancomeupwithandIfeellike AssociationofOntario(HRPAO).
towriteaseriousarticleandencroach beingoriginal:,ifyou’regoingtopaste [email protected]
ouuprosn.”theirterritoryastheyhaveupon JyuoosuehrnyeKodeuirrtriynsgcoipnsrstooocresosusmr,ocrbaeemcpacuuassr,eefuaItlltlyheianisknt fStohreefOauCrttAhSeirwinenbfgosrimteait-isownw.wL.AoipnptmlayrifiootreoealllIdeBg!uessi.nceassSchoolprogramsat wWeecdroena'ttefIot.llowtheflow,
Thatbeingsaid,Imustlooktowards you snipped offa bit ofhis hair-do.
the unnamed campus newspapers to Ohyes,andmyapparentbitterness?I o
which I refer forwriting inspiration, guessthisarticledoeshaveajokeinit HUMBER
since “serious hard-hitting articles” afterall.
arenotusuallymyareaofexpertise. I TheBusinessSchool
mayneedhelpformulatingjournalistic -AnnieUnnold www.buslness.humberc.on.ca
integrity,sinceIamcertainthatthe
Page6-TheToikeOike,VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005
ktsM in Time
Per
(Olds
(
Inhonourofthebackwardsnewspaper om blondesInvolved in a threesome. mendingrippedclothesintheprocess.
(incase,youdidn'tnotice,itopensleft- Heapproachedthecouchandsatdown Theboyturnedoffthetelevisionand
to-right instead ofthe conventional infronttogetabetterview. walkedtowardhisapartmentdoor. He
right-to-left,butyoudidn'tneedmeto stoodandstaredatitforseveralmin-
T T 0 0 L H D C 0 C K S U C K E R F pointthatoneout,didyou?),Idecided Takinghisgadgetinhisrighthand,he utes.
TuNCARG IMuCEIA DIscKWA EEIIRDS 0SSEEIY AMSFWTT PRKSICO AI0AIYC UTND0S0J UBALGCI LEHGNLA IWFAL0E MERBT0G ETRIRAA HERRENY LLAEDI0 BLTEKCU ADKHEUC faotTtoioiflcomawloneron’uiwfosntiufienAsvgrteea,rirdnsmopieiawartn,rtysiiapscdssiletierrsu.teecd.edv.reelinbirbtbav.esycisenkdIgMwatsaaonbrrnpeadte-tcsirhc!cneo!eeu!pAyn-metTilhisoed’f wgltyoaavswqeeuaniitvtliaettrtfolegewrwwoaevrciiekorf,lduelhnfletoyrnsaoimhltnaelko,hewivbwsese.iedrhtcyAtahahnsuedfsth.aehuemetIiefTlnwishisnauiaiarssllr-- ggwaSciruhrrydeoldans’etssntfhliuetyrmhs,bwtelagtelshfdaaecngiecdrn.e.oe,eoTtrbSheuudsetrwpwbburyaoinyssagiasnvopogipolpcyenei,aoncurashaelednsmdlaerandepa--
DLNDNHAUSY PWITMACHSO TRUKOTACSD LRIAHWSKUN IILCHCHVDY KAPIsTSEES ELRIMSAOF0 NESHFADRNE ITEKIU0YIY TwNNT0DCLG EUDEU0TLYO LRNIFHSSAS RDTAVCCuH0 KTEHATUC00 HATDWAIA0G PTDLNHLE00 FMTELKCuE0 LNIuMC0M0s fScttwibtienihiahaggeammuiucteescrikeheftdiywhtuieoiatesiurhsatpracndoaoestasouspatrntml.n.aaa.sopy.lpt-pyaer,cdeea-liinzed >iunngsd-. ewstswtsrhhhiqepaituaeoutnhet’nmngseddewzaeetdwoehrdirefsttlhweothdetriarhotbwInicrh'donliimegomanftuitgehansh.ebnubjmooogb.uhyiotetabcrt.nIwheotds.odlamTaoahepTenm.sanhanate.n’ty'ttwIsIeaam’mlglashlpuwtetneattaesyehrtvssreto-
what's going
on.
HeyKids!
His expres- ft)
LittleJimmywantstocusssome- sion trans-
one out, but he's lost his disses! formed from a Readagainifyouneedtobeforegoing
Helphimfindhisdissesbycircling look ofabsolute ontofindoutthesynopsis...
thefollowingwordsabove!Thefirst horror to that of
oneisdoneforyou. extreme bliss a Usu- SYNOPSIS: Basically, it was
soon ashis roommate ally, he about a horny guy who tried to
douchebag and her guests left the did this at cop a feel and paid the price.
asswipe fuckbucket room. Beforehisfeet,thedog home, but this While alone, he decided to
cocksucker fuckhead slowlybackedawayfromhimastheboy was the first time he write an essay while watching
cuntrag motherfucker beckonedhimover,butthedogignored wasdoingitatthesharedapartment. a porno movie, like most guys
dickhead prick himandwentbacktoeating. Looking Hismotionswereveryquick,butsoon would. His pen can out of
dickwad slimfitdick downatthegiantstalkinhishand,the hisspeeddiminished.Hewasforcedto ink, so he went to the kitchen
dillhole tool boybeganremovingthespreadpeanut shake.theinstrumentafewmoretimes to make a snack of peanut but-
butterwithaknife. Ifounditrather beforedecidingtoquit. Hereturnedit ter and celery sticks. He was
unhealthyofhimtoplaceitbackinthe toitsrightfulrestingplaceashehadat startled when his roommate
BONUSPOINTS: Skippy’sjar,butthenagain,thissortof homemanytimesinthepast. Onthe arrived home early to find him
medievaldickweed behaviourseemedtobethenormthese television, thethreelesbians had be- using her peanut butter. That
days. Theboytightenedthelidofthe guntodresseachotheruntiltheywere is all.
DOUBLESECRETBONUSPOINTS: peanutbuttercontainerandplacedit completelyclothed.Thatwasthething
notalentassclown backinthecupboard. Hiseyesdarted with sexhere. People always ended -StuartGots
towardthetelevisiontofindthreebux- upfranticallydressingeachotherand
Forthismonth'sleft-handedissuewe outwithmyrightbutIrealizedthatif
decidedtotalktoallthoseleft-hand- Imasturbatedwithmyleftthere’sso
edmasturbatorsandaskthemwhat muchmoreIcando.
theyloveaboutmasturbatingwith
theirlefthand. T:Whatdoyoumean?
Here'swhattheyhadtosay... S: Well,sinceI’musuallyarightyI
1.RonHarold csoamnew.orSkomwehtiilsmtesImIa’lsltbuerbpaltaey!inIgt’scaatwceh-
or writing in myjournal while I'm
Toike: Sowhat madeyoudecideto pleasuringmyselfwiththeotherhand,
masturbatewiththeleft? andnoone’sthewiser!Myroommates
sometimescomplainaboutthesticky
Ron:Well,mylefthandhasalways phonethough. ButJeremy'sacandy
beensteadierandmorecoordinated loversotheythinkit’shim.
thanmyright.I’vespentyearstrain-
ingittowhatIthinkisperfection.
3.LianaDawson
T:That'sawesome.Nowwhatarethe
advantagestomasturbatingwiththe Toike:Whendidyoufirstmasturbate
left? withyourlefthand?
R:Ihardlyeverusemyleftforany- Liana:What?
thingelse,sothiswaymylefthand
can feel just as important. If not T: Doyouevergiveinanddoitwith
more. theright?
T:Isthereanythingyou’dliketotell L:What areyou talkingabout? Who
kids who are still tryingto decide are you? Have you been talking to
whichhand? Kyle?‘runsaway*
R:Mixitup,man.Yougottatrydif- T:Youcan’trunfromthetruth,Liana!
ferentthingsbeforeyoucommitto
one.It'swhatIkeeptellingmygirl- -InterviewsconductedbeMeiLingChen
friend... botJf (bmf Jo Chide oikJ
WhichhanddoYOU
2.SethDuncan
masturbatewith?
Tmoaiskteu:rbSaotihnogwwiltohnygouhravleefty?ou been Tims Wits,s *jD i/mwc!
[email protected]
Seth: About5years now. Istarted andletusknow!

Page4-TheToikeOike,VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005
Why
Don’t Drive
I
Whetherit’sareallywhineylittlebe- enon.Themostlogicalexplanation I
yotchwho’stoogoodtotakethebus,or seeisthattheremustbesometypeof
agroupoffriendswantingtohitcha spatialanomalylikeawormholeinside
freeride,myanswer’salwaysthesame: myToyota;youneverknowwhat“hy-
don’tdrive!Atleast,notanymore.The bridtechnology"reallymeans.
nextquestionis,ofcourse,“why?”Well,
[’lltellyou“why.”I'lltellyouandthen I’mnotsayingI’mabaddriver.It’sa
maybeyoucangofornicateyourselfin matterofkarma,iswhatitis.I’mso
thecornerandkeepyourdamnmouth goodateverythingelsethatIdothat
shutnexttime! theuniversewouldcrashifIwereany
betteratdriving.Let’sjustleaveitat
don’tdriveforanumberofreasons, that.
urstofall,Idon’thavemylicense
Tragiclovestoriesaretoldthroughouttheages,fromgenerationtogeneration. anymore. It’s not as interesting of Lastly,myjaroftoenailclippings
Theseloversareknownineveryculture:RomeoandJuliet,MarcAntonyand storyasyouwouldexpect.Allthat timeI’mdrivingonthesidewalkdown- is becoming too popular. People
Cleopatra.RecentlyafterafireinBuffalo,NewYork,asetofletterswererecov- lappenedwasIletsomekidborrowit town,allthesehomelesspeoplejump evenuseaspecialsignaliftheywant
etoretdhferloatmetMhaedsiatem.eDaMtoenditqouteheDeenaralryd1e9a0u0.s,Tthheeycowrerreespproendseunmceedwtoashabveetbweeleonngheedr abancdk.thIehnawdhteonshheovdeidint’dtowwannthitsotghirvoeaitt oliukteoefvenroywohnee’rseaugnadienrstmmye!wheHeolsw.cIat’ns tEovesreyeonite:’tshbeeyernaiassektihnegirfomrimddyljearf,inagnerd.
andClarenceJones,whichtoldofwhatmightbethegreatestlovestoryofour toprovemypoint. Idrivewhenallthesethingsslowme it’sreallydifficult todriveandshow
time. down?Thebusiswayfaster! ittothem,especiallywhenI'monthe
Secondly, I hate driving because highway.
May25, 1904 something/someonealwaysruns PointBisalwaysthehospital. I
DearestMonique, under my car. It started out with don’trememberhowiteverhappens, Sokeeptheaboveinmindnexttime
ustsquirrelsandpigeons,thenwhen buteverytimeIgetbehindthewheel,I youwanttosave moneyoncabfare,
It has been almost twelve days since you have departed for the Americas. foundashortcutthroughalocalpark, endupintheemergencyroom.Thisis becauseyou’renotgettingaridefrom
I grow weary with regret that I didnotmake you stay like youhadhoped, startedgettingbeavers,ducks,geese, reallyscarybecauseIcan’teverfinda me!
but I could only keep you in the cage for so long before the authorities smallchildren,andmoose.Also,every scientificexplanationforthisphenom- -AntonBasse!
wouldhave found you.
As I write this I amfilledwithgreatjoy. LittleJohnhasfinally
ldeuaernteodhitsofwraalgki.leMobtohdeyrantdhisntkrsontghamtinhdi.sIlattheinnekssit'isndlueeartnoitnhgetloatwealnkighist WHEN YOU TELL
cupcakes she keeps feedinghim. Hemisses you so. He calledout yourname
the other day. Mother wonders what "fat whore" could possibly mean to a THAT BUM THAT
two year-oldboybut weboth knowbetter.
I think about you everyday. I play the moment we met over and YOU HAVE NO
overagaininmyhead. I rememberwaiting formyweeklyspecial fromHilda
and you walked in. The way you looked in the corset and heels stirs my CHANGE....
blood to this veryday. And howyou kept the feathered cap on the entire
time. I was barelyable to containmyself. I miss you.
With love,
Clarence MEAN
IT.
June 3, 1904
Monique my love,
INSTEAD
Iwasoverjoyeduponreadingyour lastletter. Iamyetstillunaccustomed
to yourAmerican jokes. What exactly is a "Theodore Roosevelt"?
jfou^eAtx^e^man^m^^in yourletter. I^ampleased tt)at you are
surroundingyourselfwithfriends tofill thevoidofnothavingmearound.
Although this is thefirst I'veheardof "Richard". Is he another cousin?
The past week has been very stressful for me. Trevor has been
riding me to finish the last of the manuscript. I find it really hard to DOXIT.
gworiitnegwtihtrhoouugthysooumehetroeugbhestiidmeemse.fiYnoaunchiaavlleyabluwtaysTrbeeveonrmsyaymsusoen.ceIvheagveetabbeleen AN ALTERNATIVE
erotica goes into the mainstream we'll be set. I don't know what I'd do
withoutTrevor. He ismy rock. TO CASH.
I framed the picture you sent me. I put it right next to my bed
so that 1 may see your face whenever I wake. I did however cut out the
head of the gentleman grabbing yourbosomand replaced it with apicture New
ofmyown. Year’s Resolutions Surveyed
I havehope thatyouwillreturntomesomeday. Until then Iwill
wait here alonewith the feathered cap that still smells ofyou.
Muchlove, howtheywouldstartlivingtheirlives 4.MariavonTrappactorsinTheSound
Clarence differently, given the chance. They ofMusic:
cameupwithsomeanswers.Notreally
August 25, 1904 greatones, butdefinitelysome. But a)Findafavouritethingbetterthan
Monique, enoughwith the one-sided chit-chat. ‘girls inwhitedresses.’ Alternatively,
Let’scuttothechase. prayfortherecoveryofJulieAndrew’s
Ithasbeen threeweeks sinceyour last letter. I amgettingwor- voice.
ried. Areyoualright? Whyhaveyounottriedtocontactme? I sent Pierre Question: b)Unlikely. Comprehensivecopyright
to theAmericas tofindyoubut he hasyet to sendword tome. Andmy car- lawsprotectRogers. (Surveyed:1029)
rierpigeon has been verycurt tome lately. a)Ifgiventhechangetoreliveyouryear
Mother hasheard that you were foundwalking the streets armin again,howwouldyouchange? 5.Economists:
armwithanotherman. Is thistrue? Haveyoufoundanother? I cannotstand
this any longer. Do you still wear yourpromise ring? b)Whatistheprobabilitythatyouwill a)Giveuptheuselesssocialscience.
rememberyourchangeandimplement b)Canonlyguesscertaintendency,but
Clarence it? cannot predict outcome. (Surveyed:
Sowemadeabitofamistakethisyear. 78)
November 4, 1904 Duringoneofourstaffmeetings(read: 1.Dentists:
Dearest Monique, bingedrinking)therewasadecision 6.Santa'sElves:
made(atmyprovoking)torelocateall a)Nineoutoftendentistswanttobe
Iameversosorryforwhathappened. Iwas soafraidthatImight ofourbudgetto aspecialsectionin theonedentistthatdisagreesonCol- a)Searchforlessseasonablework.
have lost you, that I was not really thinking about my actions. When I thisissue. Unfortunately,thismeans gatetelevisioncommercial. b) Unlikely: Santabecomesverypas-
sailed out in search of you all I thought of was seeing your face again, thattherewillbefewfeaturesinfuture b)Nineoutoften. (Surveyed:10) siveaggressivearoundtheNewYear.
and catching you in that embrace with Pierre came as a shock to me. The issues; maybethis idea reallywasn’t (Surveyed:all)
cleaverjust leapt right out ofmyhands. Whowould've thought I hadsuch allthatfunnyintheend. Butletme 2.Beekeepers:
goodaimwhileenraged?Orthat Iwouldretrievesaidcleaverandcontinue tellyou,ifyouwereatourmeetingon 7.Engineers:
throwing it athim? Thursdaynight,itwouldhaveseemed a)Stoptakingsomanyteabreakswith
I know you told me not to contact you but I had to explain. I really,reallyfunnytoyou. Youmight theQueen. a)Stopbeinganengineer.
still love you. I will always love you. If you ever do come back do not have diedlaughing. (Sorryagain to b)Ifshebeckonsme,Imustgo. (Sur- b)Nil.Cannotletsocialscientistsknow
hesitate tovisit me. Miguel’sparents. Wedidn'tknowthat veyed:l,butheseemedabitdrunkon thattheyhavewon. (Surveyed:666)
hewasallergic.) power.)
Forever yours, 8.PatBenetar:
Clarence Soherewerego... All ofourwinter 3.Comedians:
budgethasbeensquanderedforanex- a)Launchcomebackoutofloveonthe
Thelettersstoppedsoonafter.MoniqueDenardeaunevermarried citingsurvey. Everyonelikesexciting a)FindgirlfriendsoIcandostand-up musicalbattlefield.
andlivedaverysuccessfulbutlonelylifeasaburlesquedancer surveys,right? aboutabadgirlfriend. It’sfunny. Ha! b)100%likely,but110%likelytofail.
ClarenceJoneswastriedformurderandspent6yearsinjail.Veg b)87.43%Ha! (Surveyed:138,thisisa (Surveyed:2-Crazy.Whoknew?)
etableeroticabecameverypopularintheLondonunderground We interviewed thousands ofprofes- computercompressedanswer-butthey
andJoneslivedcomfortablyfortheremainderofhisyears. sionalsfromdifferentfieldstofindout reallyspeltoutallthe’Ha's.) -LenaSchuck
!
TheToikeDike, VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005-Page5
HarryPAotTtaelreaFnrdoTmhHeoGgowladretnsSnatch: Vacation Causes Relaxation ofBowels
AJOURNEYTHROUGHTHEANNALSOFTHESOUL
ByHarryPotter
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needacigarette. enShower...”oooohIenjoythesound DaysofOurLives,Iwasstrickenwith forbeingtotallylame,Imademyway -Marin7hrk
ofthat. whatmightbecalledmentaldiarrhea. tothelatrineonceagain.
It'sgettingtothatpoint
wherethebittercoldjust
makesyourfacewantto
turninsideout.
TheToikeOiketookto
thestreetstofindthe
"bestwinterfaceof2004".
eiiFstein
And thewinner is...
wheregreatminds
drinkalike! JeremyNorform
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Page2-TheToikeOike, VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005
EDITORIAL
She Coikg-Oihe
A Quirky Little Story.
of Toronto's
VolumeXCVIII—IssueV—January2005 NloocawlwFhuyt,uryeosuhaospk,bewosuulcdhaattrriaputmoattihec TBhoaxtinbgeiDnagysaiisd,whaeltnhoyuoguhgtehteywhsaatytyhoaut waelroengloloinkein(gtofofrinwdaosutsotlhdatowuth)a,tstohmeey
experience?Isitbecausetheirprices reallywantedforChristmas(andfor shoppersendedupbuyingsomething
B1704K0inSga’nsdCfoolrldegFeleRmoiandg aaisrreethstenoocooatshyei?g-hAFcoturutautlrlheya,tshqtouhpietiierstashnaelecexoscnpetelrolpaelrneyt otitfh’sotstheheewstheiaomseodnownha’etnndcyeslopeulburrtagateke)e,Cadhdorvnia’sntttmyaaogsue, torhasthweadsind’nt’tevleeanvoenemsaplte,yjhuastndseodt.hathe
TorontoONM5S3G4 store.Thatis,unlessyoudecidetogo thinkthatBoxingDayisalittleover- Somewherealongtheline,somebody
onBoxingDay,whenitbecomesamad rated? managedtocreateadaywherestores
tel:[phone] house, transforming even the most areabletoselloffalloftheiroldinven-
fax:[phone] fciievnidlsi.zedpeopleintobargainhunting 1s.hoFprpeormhwahdattoIosbtsaretrvleidn,intgheupavetrhargeee tpoeroyplferotomltihneepuapstaybelaorc,kaanwdacyojnuvsitncteo
http://toike.skule.ca storefrontsawayandwaitaridiculous buyit.
e-mail:toike@skule,ca Before I left on myexpedition, I fig- amountoftimejusttogetintothestore.
ureditwouldbeagoodideatowear Thiswasbecausetheflowintothestore Forgetengineering,IthinkI’minthe
comfortableshoesandpackmyselfa wasregulatedbyseveralbouncerswho wrongbusiness.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DavidKobayashi baggedlunchbecauseIexpectedthat lookedlikeoffdutyToy’sRUssecurity
navigatingthroughthecrowdswould guards.ThelasttimeIsawalinelike Twoleftsdon’tmakearight.
COPYEDITOR PaulDabrowski takeawhile.Sowithmysurvivalkitin that was at the Guvernment (hmm, Butthreedo.
PRODUCTIONMANAGER JesseKatz-Totton hthaends,toIreb.eAglaonntgompyuswhamyyIwsaaywtahnrootuhgehr btuoatlhly)t.henightclubandtheboarderac- Wellfolks,Ihopeyoudidn’thavetoo
shopperlifelesslylyingupagainstapile muchtroubleopeningupthisissue.In
SENIORSTAFFWRITER AnnieUnnoid ofSonyDVD players. Hiswatercan- 2. Nomatterhowcheapyouthinkyou caseyouhaven’tnoticed, wedecided
teenwasemptyandhisenergydrained. are, there’s always a person cheaper tohelpourleft-handedbrothersand
STAFFWRITERS AnthonyApostoli Iofferedhimasipfrommywaterbottle (andmorehardcore)thanyouwilling sistersoutandpublishaLeft-handed
MeiLingChen andhegavemeanodofgratitude.We tocampoutsidethestoreinorderto Toike!Ihopeyouenjoyit...
left without even exchanging words, makesuretheygettheirhandsonthe
SeanHocldn butwefeltlikebrothers.WhileIhoped doorcrasheritems.ThelasttimeIsaw -DauidKobayashi
AnneLange hewouldreturnhomesafely,insideI lineupthatlongwasforarockconcert, EditorinChief
MarinTurk secretlyknewthathe’dprobablynever andeventhatwasn'tjustified.$0itonly
AlexWun makeitoutalive.Mostshoppemrsdon’t. makessensethatafterwaitinginsuch
ETTERS ass tiseass ioed
ETTERSIT
CONTRIBUTORS AntonBassel
NickLoberto
RobNesci fters gas ggaa liajfafeia Igahwataa
LenaSchuck
Okay, I just have to ask this, I will not be supporting the entire issue around that concept a
because I've been wondering... Gargoyle anymore. Truth be mereweekbeforewewereduetobe
CONTRIBUTINGARTISTS AmitAhlawal told, I didn't really read it. printed. Thanksforthequestion!
DustinLadyshewsky When I first saw the ad for I just used the paper as lin-
AdamLatour the Matrix in the Toike, the ing to my- birdcage. Oh ya, Dear Toike,
10 DVD set with "This-is my and also, I use it to clean up I noticed that you recent is-
world" on it, I- laughed out my own semen. sue that also spoofed IKEA.
PRINTER WellerPublishingInc. lporuidm.e jokTehsisbetisweeonnemyoffritehned Dixon Tophar Attotafilrlsyt Iriwpapsedlikoef,f wthhoea tGhaery-
ADPLACEMENT CampusPlus and I, who enjoy movies, and goyle, but then I kind of no-
have this big theory on how Ihearthatnewsprintinkreducesyour ticed that you guys dida much
the Matrix sequels were over- spermcount,soI’dbemorecarefulin better job, so whatever, more
inflated,.overdone, and pretty> thefuture:However,thataside,thanks power to you! Hilarious issue
ludicrous. This in mind, it foryoursupport. ' overall.
was one of the funnier things
I'd seen in recent history, Dear Toike Oike, ThanksDahling,pleasesendanyand
because it played on the idea allfuturefan-male to my boudoir.
that it was just a ridiculous What the fuck is up with the XOXO
cash grab. Gargoyle? And what the fuck
is GARGCORE?!? Dear Toike,
NOW, when I read this ad, I It sounds like some new way of
was 100% certain it was a joke. giving head. I couldn't believe the nerve
Then I saw it in the Varsity. the Gargoyle had in accusing
When I found out it was real, Fr. Curtis O'Reilly you of copying their idea. If
I laughed even harder... I didn't know any better, I'd
SPECIALTHANKS Anythingispossible. say that they had spies feed-
Yup, itwasreal Weregladyou en- ing them information. Or may-
Theholidayseason joyedit. Dear Toike, be very well trained monkeys.
Hey, what's the deal with you Or maybe flying monkeys with
COLOPHON Dear Toike Oike, guys doing an IKEA spoof days huge wings (andwhen theybark
after the Gargoyle does its they shoot regular non-flying
T6kchon0peo%ywTpiowsoihlskyaeentteOiutinrhkaGeeles-oeitsrchgpheirteaom,adimaucincanedledsstahuareseni,hdnehga4udat0lci%tonhemeetspyhuisytnluenrMreey,urmraiaaanlkdd-e.otxuhisedensseo.wuWsnpderisdnmoatnr’itts.amTcathdueaelblooyfdy AbansiergwdlsIcipamawgppaeses,erscIolfuehnaladnapeisprntegnmmeoytdnhtetphoa'srsocriaoGtlta'ecrsdh- IcCkooepnayf-ucsiaestdssueS?taluldWehnoytfaaresudydoeun.such Iam'nodynkbifeelsyicnoagurtemfooufnlk•teihyfesirtahmteotrueetnhd)ia.nrge
WHATHO? gmoeynltes. abTohuetiryeoduirtornieawlspacpoemr- Wellfunnyyoushouldask,younglad. ytohueyr'rceontuepnttomeneotignogosd.. I think
TheToikeOikeisacovertorganizationcommittedtotheproliferationof have left me with a bad taste Inpointoffact,theToikehasarigor-
humourattheUniversityofToronto.Itisourmandatetoinsistthatyour in my mouth. This may be ousprintingschedulewhichinvolves John Foster, 0T7
eoitud’tuslccoaootlkidooonuntissliiNfdeeO)tT.ocOaoubmoreu.rtaSynookuslriagrcheatrfeeinellruepds,owsimittuhbcazhecakalsaoiuntsdirsheaavbvooeluuattnisoihncaaerpdiientsegafyr(oeouvmrebnoitfh pwpaaarsrrtolrtye'asdd-uiensghittoittfohoevrerfaacttolpontgohfatpmeyI- chbeaofvmoiirnneggtthuheepGnarwinigtofhuyllleoduceravmeceloonopcumetpetwnsitthlaonintdgs Right,thanks.
lEonwgiinngeedriisntrgiabuntdioAnr.tsVi&vaScliaernecveo.luWteionm!eetevery-monthontheSaturdayfol- rmhiyaoddsttooofmawtcrihimtee.pumtpoeAdfy,toeurIginfeetltstiunpgI- Glwiaotrtulgelodsyplhoeoafvw,eosuboleredenallevlaiy,drtdyueaoslupliyttoeimbweplhoisaestvieb,tlhieet erTyloveneTowihkoewwrooutledilniktehitsomtohnatnhk.evIt-’s
DISCLAIMER port. I want you to know that forustoseetheirissueandbuildan nicetohavesuchspiritedreaders!
Theradical,ultraleft-wingopinionsexpressedinthisnewspaperdonotnec-
essarilyreflectthoseoftheEngineeringSocietyortheUniversityofToronto. Get Involved With The Toike Oike!
Infact,theydon’tevennecessarilyreflecttheopinionsofthewriters.Ifyou
happentofindanyofthematerialwithinthesepagesoffensive,donottryto
sueus,aswehaveacrackteamofcrackheadlawyersreadytobringthapain.
Sucka. It’sthenewyear,bitches.
Satisfyyournewyear’sresolutiontohecooler,andwritefortheToike.
* Our next contentmeetingwillbe held on;
Tuesday,Januaryn,2005@6:00pmintheSandfordFlemingAtrium.
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
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