The Worst Movies of All Time: Or : What Were They Thinking?

351 Pages·1996·27.629 MB·English

by  Sauter, Michael

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MOVIES OF ALL TIME
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WHAT WERE IHEY IHINKING?
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Copyright 1995byMichaelSauter
Allrightsreserved.Nopanofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyform,exceptbyanovspaperor
magazinereviewerwhowishestoquotebriefpassagesin
connection\vithareview.
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LibraryofCongressCataloginginPublicationData
Sauter,Michael.
Theworstmoviesofalltime;or.whatweretheythinking?/by
MichaelSauter.
p. cm.
"ACitadelPressbook."
ISBN0-8065-1577-—5(paper) —
1. Motionpictures Evaluation. 2. Motionpictures Humor.
1. Title.
PNI995.9.E9S28 1995
791.43'750207—dc20 94-46289
CIP
D
ForJudy,
foreverything
I
Myspecialthanksgo toAmieSchorratRhino Video, Norman
Schererat Video Oyster, ChrisNunnallyandAlan Bazin at
FilmFest Video, SteveBealeandFrankLinkhat The Video
Room, everyoneatKim's Video andtheNew YorkPublicLibrary
forthePerformingArts. Withoutthem all, Fdneverhaveknown
how badmoviescan be.
381
Introduction ix
I*As^ IS "riae ]»fo^Aton ]Bonml>» »
1 The Sign ofthe Cross 3
2 Rasputin and the Empress 7
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3 She
4 The Adventures ofMarco Polo 15
SIGNS OF THE TIMES: Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy
5 One Million B.C. 25
6 The Outlaw 29
7 Duel in the Sun 33
8 The Babe Ruth Story 37
9 The Fountainhead 41
10 Beyond the Forest 44
1 The Greatest Show on Earth 48
SIGNS OF THE TIMES: Esther Williams
12 The Silver Chalice 54
1 Land ofthe Pharaohs 58
14 Sincerely Yours 62
SIGNS OF THE TIMES: Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis
15 The Conqueror 68
16 The Ten Commandments 72
17 A Summer Place 77
SIGNS OF THE TIMES: Beach-Blanket Bimbos
1 Cleopatra 84
19 The Oscar 89
20 Casino Royale 93
SIGNS OF THE TIMES: Superspies ofthe Sixties
21 Reflections in a Golden Eye 99
22 Valley ofthe Dolls 103
23 The Green Berets 108
24 Boom! Ill
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25 Candy 116
26 Skidoo 120
SIGNS OF THE TIMES: Hell on Wheels
27 Paint Your Wagon 126
28 Myra Breckinridge 130
29 Lost Horizon 134
SIGNS OF THE TIMES: Disaster Movies
30 Mame 139
31 At Long Last Love 143
32 The Blue Bird 147
33 A Star Is Born 151
34 Orca 155
35 Sextette 159
36 Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band 164
SIGNS OF THE TIMES: Rock Operatics
37 1941 169
38 Can't Stop the Music 173
39 Xanadu 177
40 Heaven's Gate 181
41 Mommie Dearest 186
SIGNS OF THE TIMES: Slasher Movies
42 One From the Heart 192
43 Inchon 196
44 Dune 200
—
45 Santa Claus The Movie 205
46 Howard the Duck 209
47 Ishtar 213
48 The Bonfire ofthe Vanities 217
49 Hudson Hawk 222
50 Christopher Columbus: The Discovery 227
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S*Aa^ HAS Time ^Addest ofi time B'^s se«]
Index 333
Ec
ace it: in your lifetime, youre going to see more bad movies than good ones. So
you'd better find a way to appreciate them ifyou don't want your time spent in movie
theaters to be a total waste. It may take some work at first, but inside e\'er\' cloud you
will find a silver Uning. You just have to knowwhere and how to looL That's what this
book is for: to light the light. To show theway. To bend and twistyour mind untilyou.
too, can appreciate bad movies. Even when the)' hurt.
Ofcourse, some bad movies are easy to have fim with. You don't have to be a bad-
film buffto appreciate the awesome ineptitude ofReeferMadnessor Plan 9From Outer
Space. You don't have to look hard to find the yuks in a badly dubbed Godzilla mo\'ie,
or a hopelessly dated Beach Pany movie, or a fatally cliched disaster epic. Mo%ies like
these areamusinglybad, often hilariouslybad.^And\'Ou feel coolerbylookingdownyour
nose at them.
But there are also movies that are agonizingly bad, so utterly, painftilly imp—ossible to
sit through that, while tr>'ing, you realize you'd rather be having root canal ^without
anesthetic. This book is about them too, because part of appreciating bad mo\-ies is
knowing how to identift- a lost cause, an absolutewaste oftime and effort, a movievdxh
no redeeming entertainment \alue whatsoe\'er. On the occasion when you have to sit
through such a film, you can consider yourselfa better person for it because you've siu^-
vived a supreme test ofendurance. You've stared into the void. Though you may have
blinked, youdid notbreak, andyou can proudlyproclaim to theworld, '"I sur\ived Hud-
son Hawk.'" That which does not kill you only makes you stronger.
Even so, you dont want to sit through too many movies that bad. Thankfiilly, e\"en
TH[WORSTMOVIESDFAllTIMF
iay, there aren't that many that bad. Most bad movies, even those at the bottom ofthe
rrel, have some sort ofentertainment value. Even ifyou have to laugh atthem instead
with them. Even ifsitting through them amounts to an exercise in perverse curiosity,
m ifto enjoy them, you have to give in to your basest instincts. Admit it. Sometime
your life you've slowed down for a carwreck. You've paid good money to venture into
:arnival sideshow. You mayhavewatched O.J. Simpson lead the L. A. police on a low-
:ed car chase, even though it wasn't as good as NaturalBorn Killers. Well, watching a
d movie can be a lot like that. Face it. The experience is frequently vivid and memo-
)le, something you—think and talk about afterward, much more than you would a
;rely mediocre film or even a pretty good one.
There are all kinds ofways to appreciate bad movies because there are so many kinds,
lere are probably more kinds ofbad movies than there are kinds ofgood ones. This
okis about all ofthem: the numbingly bad, the annoyinglybad, the insipidlybad, the
lidiously bad, the revoltinglybad, the ridiculouslybad, the historically, hystericallybad,
ibitiously bad, the amateurishly bad, the amazingly bad, the abysmally bad. You won't
d everybad movie in this b—ook. After all, it's not an encyclopedia. Think ofit instead
a "greatest hits" collection one that covers the spectrum from Grade A big-budget
mbs to Grade Z no-budget duds. Chances are you will find you favorite bad movie
king in these pages. Ifnot, don't think it wasn't considered. But even in a badmovie
ok, one has to draw the line somewhere. Ifnot, there'd be no bad movies left for the
|uel. . . .
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MOVIE!! OF TIME