The Sh!t No One Tells You: A Guide to Surviving Your Baby's First Year

265 Pages·2013·5.37 MB·English

by  Dawn Dais

D
u.s. $16.00 parenting a
w
n The

D
S H ! T
a
i
s
Pregnancy is a time of showers, special parking spots, and mandatory
overeating. Then the actual baby arrives, and all those good times come
to a screeching halt—only to be replaced with sleep deprivation and spit
T
up. This is when new mothers realize that their previous nine months full h
e

of cheerful well wishes and adorable onsies left them profoundly
S
unprepared for their first year with a real, live baby.
H NO ONE TELLS YO U
!
T
In The Sh!t No One Tells You, Dais tells it like it is. Eschewing the

adorableness that oozes out of other parenting books, Dais offers real N
advice from moms—along with hilarious anecdotes, clever tips, O
A Guide to Surviving Your
and the genuine encouragement every mom needs in
O
order to survive the first year of parenthood. Baby’s First Year
N
E

T
E
Dawn Dais
“The Sh!t No One Tells You took me right back to those first weeks L
of new motherhood—truly the most empowering and frustrating L
S
(and frightening!) of times. With heartfelt encouragement and

insight, Dawn Dais is a must-read for first-time moms.” Y
O
—Rebecca Woolf, author of Rockabye: From Wild to Child
U
www.DawnDais.com
Seal Press isbn: 978-1-58005-484-3
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
Distributed by Publishers Group West
Visit us at www.sealpress.com

Cover design by Kimberly Glyder
Cover image © Lauren Burke/Getty Images
THE SH!T NO ONE TELLS YOU

The
S H ! T
NO ONE TELLS YOU
A Guide to Surviving
Your Baby’s First Year
Dawn Dais
The Sh!t No One Tells You
A Guide to Surviving Your Baby's First Year
Copyright © 2013 Dawn Dais
Seal Press
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
1700 Fourth Street
Berkeley, California 94710
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in
any form without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers
who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Dais, Dawn.
The sh!t no one tells you : a 52-week guide to surviving your baby's first
year / by Dawn Dais.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-58005-484-3
1. Motherhood--Humor. 2. Infants--Humor. 3. Child rearing--Humor. I.
Title.
HQ759.D245 2013
808.87--dc23
2012046279
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Cover design by Kimberly Glyder
Interior design by Megan Jones
Interior illustrations by Dawn Dais
Printed in the United States of America
Distributed by Publishers Group West
To Vivian, who has kicked my ass and stolen my heart

Contents
INTrOdUcTION 1
MY MOMS ON THE FrONT LINES 5
1 And You Thought Pregnancy Was Hard 13
2 Please Censor Your Birth Story 17
3 Raid the Hospital 31
4 Breastfeeding Is Really F’n Hard 37
5 They Will Let You Take a Baby Home! 49
6 So Many Tears 55
7 Your Newborn Is Not Cute 63
8 It May Not Be Love at First Sight 69
9 No One Is Loving This as Much as Their Facebook Posts
Would Have You Believe 79
10 You Just Pooped Out a Baby ( Your Body Post-Baby) 85
11 Your Life Is Officially Over 93
12 Poop, Puke, and Pee 103
13 Children’s Books Are Ridiculous 111
14 You Are a Horrible Mother Whether or Not
You Vaccinate 125

15 Having Pets Did Not Prepare You for This 133
16 Who Needs a Health Plan When You Have the Internet? 143
17 You’ll Never Sleep Again 149
18 Your House Is Way Too Small 159
19 Babies Don’t Like Bragging 169
20 You Can’t Afford This 173
21 Teeth Are the Devil 181
22 You’ll Be Blamed in Therapy Someday 189
23 You Can’t Have It All 195
24 A Dysfunctional Relationship 207
25 Remember Your Memory? 213
26 Your Body Is Ruined 219
27 You’ll Probably Want a Divorce 225
28 It Does Not Go By “Soooo Fast” 235
EpILOGUE 241