Table Of ContentVolume ill Issue 2
The Lowell Pearl
Editor-in-Chief:
Volume ill Issue 2
Cindy T Moran
Literary Society Officers:
President: Julie Souza
Vice President: Michael Baillargeon
Secretary: Cindy Moran
The
Treasurer: Jeff Nazzaro
Editorial Staff: Lowell Pearl
Michael Baillargeon Jeff Nazzaro
Frank Grande Peter Starrett
Kathy Mercurio Julie Souza
Mariola Mroczko Adam Johnson
Literary Society Members:
Gregory Anderson Cindy T Moran
Michael Balliargeon Mariola Mroczko
Frank Grande Jeff Nazzaro
Tommy Mandela Peter Starrett
Kathy Mercurio Julie Souza
Alumni Advisors:
Judith Dickerman-Nelson
Douglas L White
Ftu:~~lty Advisors:
Melissa Pennell
William Roberts
Design and Typestting: The Lowell Pearl is a semi-annual publication of the UMass
Douglas L White Lowell Literary Society supported by the Massachusetts Cultural
Cindy T Moran Council as administered by the Lowell Arts Council
Cover Photograph by Tom Vanderhoeven
Copyright 1993, all rights reseroed.
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u
Introduction Table of Contents
". .. we too have done our but, given what w.e were to worlc with,
anJ the /ragik nature of the matter at band. " 1 Contest Winner-Weddings Ken Lovering
- Wiil Eno, tbu klata 14 The Nocturnal Fortune Cookie
Catherine O'Brian
Okay, we're a bit late. We admit it. We have a few good 15 Jazz and Fish
excuses and a few bad ones; but the important part is, we
18 Shearsman
apologize. We would like to thank the contributing authors
for their commendable patience and understanding. Hap 19 An Aztec Memory Charles Fishman
pily, we believe this is the best journal we've put together 20 The Post Office Faith Tumnus Shearin
thus far. We hope you agree.
21 The Piano Lesson
The Lowell Arts Council funded our contest, and we
22 Mother Tongue Kerry Cohen
thank them for their continuing support. We have tried to be
judicious in our decisions, and, as is often the case, the final 28 Far from the Adriatic Sea
settlement was difficult. When the quality of submissions is
Sean Thomas Dougherty
high, deciding "the best" among them is an exhausting and
29 37 George Chigas
in some ways less than satisfying exercise.
Our next issue is riding up the tail of this one, so expect 30 Other Languages John Grey
it soon. 31 Salve Te, Soror Ellen F. McCarthy
32 The World That He Knew Ramsey Sar
33 3am at the Digital Computer Laboratory
Lincoln Faulkner Smith
35 Common Sunshine Will Eno
37 ...H ere, Now... Glen Green
40 The Periodicity of Ambition
Tara Maja Madhyastha
42 Condoms, Candles, and D Batteries
Rachel Knox
43 Dead of Winter Stephen Marino
44 Where There Is Darkness, Light
45 Instinct Joanne M. Sullivan
tu.
46 Almost Spring Cletlning Marianne MacCuish
48 Paul Darko, His Epitaph Mark Pestana
49 Culture Schlock Matthew P. Mayo
50 After a Hard Day at the KwikieKopie
Beth Walker
61 Alex's Quilt Luke Dzwonczky
62 Cubano RapPoem Gerald Perry
The Lowell Pearl
63 Acts/Ax of Love Jeff Loo
64 after the miscarriage
65 Untitled Leo Racicot
68 The Garden Haiku Peter Fusco
69 Contributors
"
1993 Contest Winner
Weddings
Ken Lovering
Larry and I flew to Atlanta for my brother Paul's wed
ding. I had thought that flying would leave me no time to
think about being Paul's usher, about why his impending
marriage was making me feel cheated. Not that I ever
considered marriage; I never thought it was an option even
though all the Christmas cards I received last year from even
my oldest friends were addressed to "Ethan and Larry," and
even though so much that used to be mine was now ours.
Our TV /VCR. Our Rogers & Hammerstein collection. Our
Ford Fiesta. Our apartment.
After we took off from Logan I told Larry that I never
should have let him talk me into this. But I knew he was
looking forward to a family event; his family had kicked him
out of Seattle when he was nineteen. The only contact they
had had since then was two years ago- before we met
when his mother sent him a note saying that his father had
died. "Just thought you should know," it said. He showed it
to me once. Every so often I still wake up to his crying in the
night and hold him until he falls back to sleep.
"You'll be great," he said, rolling his chewed gum wad
into the foil it came from and placing it in his shirt pocket.
"I'll be great?" I said. "This is not a performance. It's a
wedding, just like a million others. I'll be one of two million
ushers in a million weddings."
"It's you brother's wedding," he said. His enthusiasm
for a stranger's wedding was beginning to annoy me. Why
should I only notice this now? I thought. Why on the plane,
when it was too late to beg him to stay home? I couldn't
even ask him to understand me.
''You've been moping around ever since you got the
invitation," he said. "Christ, I'd give my right arm just to get
1
-
invited to my brother's wedding." paper plates and styrofoam. We both always smelled of
The steward brought warm danish in cellophane and food. The grease came off easily in the shower, but other
coffee in hard plastic cups. He leaned over Larry to reach my juices and oils seeped into our pores and became a part of
fold-out tray. I could have craned my neck and kissed his us. The tips of my fingers were onion-scented and my palms
clean, pretty face as he placed the creamers before me. often hinted of prosciutto or feta.
Then he tended to the man and woman sitting in front of "So you're jealous of your brother?" Larry said.
us. They made small talk about New Orleans, their final "Jealous?" !laughed. "What cloud did you pull that off?
destination after visiting friends in Atlanta. They laughed What in the world would I be jealous of?"
over something I couldn't make out and then I heard the "Oh, I don't know," he said and he turned quiet. My
couple kiss. I wondered if they were newlyweds. answer had disturbed him. But he asked for it.
"It just seemed so easy for him, so fast," I said. "He I tapped my bracelet against the window. Outside,
announced the wedding date and whole family sprang into clouds formed valleys and notches, blinding white against
action. Relatives are coming from all over." oothing blue. But these same clouds probably cast a storm
"Sounds like fun," he said. "You done with your gum?" over the east coast.
I was madly chewing. My jaw sudde1r\ly ached and I Maybe my brother Paul was right and I was full of shit
thought I had depleted my saliva. and there was some visible criterion for Normalcy.
"Here," he said, holding out his handl. I shucked it into "Have you ever looked at a woman and wondered?" I
his hand from a good six inches and he unwrapped the foil said.
from his pocket. His hand smelled of bell peppers and "Sure," Larry said.
capers. "You have?" I was surprised, but I laughed a little.
We met in the prep room of the gourmet deli in the Back "What's so funny?" he asked.
Bay where we worked. I had been layering a ham with "I remember when I first knew I was gay," I said. "I sat
brown sugar and cloves when he said he wanted to cook me in study hall thinking, 'This is gonna suck. My whole life's
dinner. That evening he made chicken taJTagon with gonna suck.' Mostly because I thought I was the only one."
lyonnaise potatoes and green beans almandine and after He covered my hand with his and we sat like that for a
ward he tried to coax me into a game of chess on the beauti while.
ful wood-carved set that was scattered throughout his We were quiet for the rest of the flight. Larry read the
apartment. He said you can tell a lot about someone by how Time magazine that the steward brought and I stared out the
he plays chess, how he plans a strategy. I told him I hated window and occasionally dozed. I dreamed that our plane
the game; it required me to make too many decisions that overshot its destination and landed in the Everglades where
usually just backed me into a comer in the end. Instead we Larry was devoured by alligators, leaving me alone to
played trivial pursuit on my claim that you can tell a lot bushwhack out of the jungle. I didn't tell him about it.
about someone by how much useless information he knows. As we descended through dark clouds into Atlanta, the
We drank mulled cider and listened to EUa Fitzgerald while insides of my ears inflated and the cabin sounds were muted
we played. He kissed me at the door after walking me home. by an ominous humming and the whirring of the jets. I
He was the most memorable first date I'd ever had. hated descent. I always feared that the engines wouldn't be
Later he went on to be a big-time chef at the Marriott, strong enough to resist the force of gravity. Or maybe the
tired of seeing his creations, as he called them, served on landing gear would malfunction. After tugging at my
2 3
seatbelt-1 had never unfastened it-1 cluttched my armrest were more supportive than I had ever dreamed, educating
with one hand and Larry's arm with the other. themselves with Oprah Winfrey and soothing themselves
"You know," Larry said. I could hardily hear him. The with magazine articles entitled "Your Child Is Gay! Are You
balloon in my right ear felt like it had acquired spikes as it to Blame?"
enlarged there. When it burst, my entire head would go with "Is it a man or a woman?" Paul asked.
it, I was sure. "All this marriage stuff has gotten me think "What?" I was dumbfounded.
ing," he said. "I knew it would upset you."
''What?" I said, faking a yawn before I turned to him to I collapsed onto the sofa, pulling the phone cord out
repeat what I knew he said. straight. "Jesus. I don't believe you still have to ask that," I
"I think we should get married," he said. But his voice said.
sounded distant and disembodied, and I was suddenly more "Well, I just don't understand," he said, as if we were
keen to the sensation of plunging headlolllg toward the earth. chatting.
"1 never asked you to understand," I said. "I don't
It> tit understand why you're marrying a woman."
"That's different," he said and I waited for him to throw
The truth was I didn't want to be Paul's usher; I didn't even the "N" word at me, as if he were some authority on what
want to go to his wedding. But there was nothing I could do was Normal, down there gulling any sap who would give
to back out once the plans had fallen together and he had him cash into buying rickety used cars.
called me with the tuxedo style. "We've got the church," "The only difference is acceptance," I said.
he'd said when I answered the phone. I had been expecting "Whoever said I didn't accept you?"
the call for a few days, bracing myself f01r his self-congratula "Oh, come on," I said. "It's been almost ten years.
tion. I hadn't yet told him about Larry, e1V'en though we'd Things should come a lot more naturally between us, don't
been together for eight months. But I hadl to tell him if I you think?"
wanted to bring Larry to his wedding. "No I don't. There's nothing natural about it." He
"Listen, Paul," I said, gripping the phone until I thought stressed the word ntltural. Great- another "N" word.
it would pop out of my sweating hand. "'I want to bring "We probably shouldn't talk about this right now," 1
someone to the wedding." said. "Just give me the tuxedo style."
''Yeah."
"I mean, I've met someone too," I saiid, as if it had been
yesterday, as if Larry was new.
I felt as if I had hushed the entire city of Atlanta. Larry and 1 retrieved our baggage, rented the Tercel, and
"Can I ask you something?" he brok1e the silence. followed Paul's directions through lunch hour traffic. We
"Okay," I said. were late to meet Paul and his fiancee in the rotating restau
''You're not going to like it-what I want to ask you." rant on top of the Peachtree Plaza Hotel. The quickened pace
'1 seldom do," I said. I was ready. He would ask me with which we moved through the airport and the unfamil
again if I really knew what I was doing. llf I was still sure iar city distracted us from each other.
about the sordid life I had chosen. Had I told Mom and Dad Whenever Larry and I found ourselves alone in an
about him, he would ask. And I would ttell him yes; they elevator, one of us usually threw the other against the wall,
4 5
-
"Sexuality has everything ... "
and, like giddy teenagers, we would kiss and prod and
"When you see a man and a woman holding hands or ...
giggle. But as the elevator doors in the hotel lobby
or pictures of married couples in the paper do you think
whooshed shut, leaving us as solitary passengers, we merely
about their sexuality?" His knife sliced smoothly through the
faced front. Our images echoed before us in polished brass
mushrooms.
interiors, shrinking away into some mystical realm beyond
"Yes," I said, grazing the knife over the thin layer of
the confines of the elevator. I had seen our reflections
onion I had made. I wanted him to drop it. My eyes were
countless times: in photos from hiking tri1ps, in mirrors after
stinging and wet. Onions never seemed to bother Larry.
bathing together or making love. But this infinite reflection,
"They're just something else for you to get angry about,"
encased in off-y~1Iow alloy, seemed wondrous and eternal.
he said. "And the angrier you get the more excluded you
''You okay?'' his brass-tinged image said. But I didn't
feel." He maneuvered around me to the sink, retrieved a
know. ''Look, if you don't want to talk about it right now its
splash of water from the faucet and let it drip from his hand
fine."
into the skillet on the stove. Little pellets danced and hissed
No, I didn't want to talk about it. About how he took me
on the teflon and evaporated into mist.
by surprise with his proposal. About how happy I was with
"You're no less excluded than I am," I said. I felt mean
the way things were, and how I wanted t:o survive this
saying so.
wedding before I even considered my O\lm.
"True," he said. He twisted off the olive oil cap with his
'This is probably not the best time," I said, glancing at
moist knuckles and held it there in the air, steady and
my watch and straightening my sportcoat.
waiting. Then he poured a thin line of oil into the skillet and
"But I do want to talk about it sometime soon," he said.
brought the bottle back to the cap. His grace soothed me.
I turned to him as the elevator slowed in its ascent. He
"But if you don't go to the wedding, you'll be excluding
reached over and pulled my shirt collar up from under my
yourself. Don't disown your brother, Ethan."
coat I got the whiff of pepper again.
He took our cutting boards and slid the mushrooms and
"Nervous?" he said.
onions into the oil where they pleasantly sizzled.
"A little."
"Paul is just doing what makes him happy," he said. "So
......
should you."
"I do," I said. ''I mean I am."
"Good, then you're going."
We often cooked together after our day shifts. The night of
He sorted the other makings of dinner on the table:
my brother's phone call, while Larry sliced mushrooms and
chicken breasts, linguini, marsala wine, and several bags of
I diced an onion, I told him I wasn't going to Paul's wed
earth-colored spices he probably brought home from work.
ding. "He's not acknowledging my sexuality, why should I
I watched him a lot during dinner. I loved his un
acknowledge his?" I had said. Larry told me I was being
selfconsciousness as he sucked and slurped his linguine and
childish, but I didn't care. ''You're just pissed because he can
casually pulled up one of his pant legs to scratch an itch and
get married at the drop of a hat and you 'can't," he had said.
left it bunched up like a knicker while he went to the stove
''You wish!" I said. My eyes were tearing from the
for seconds. I thought about how my past relationships had
onions.
ended after only a few months, long enough for the infatua
"Commitment is commitment," he said. "Sexuality has
nothing to do with it and you know it." tion to wear off and the instability and apathy to set in.
6 7
--
Amidst the pain and loss of each breaku~whether I was around.
the one who got the brush or not-I always felt a private I disguised my irritation with forced laughter.
relief to be alone again. But I never felt unstable or apathetic "It's so strange to eat here," he said as we sat at a table
toward Larry. At least not for long. overlooking the city. "You sit down at the beginning of your
...... meal, then halfway through you remember to look up and
you're suddenly someplace else." .
He pointed out the Atlanta Stadium, an enormous whtte
Paul seemed surprised to see Larry accompany me off the doughnut to the south. He had just been there last week, he
elevator. I was equally surprised to see PC\ul alone. He said, and he described a triple play to Larry, step-by-step,
looked more like a salesman than I remembered: cropped and how split-second planning and execution were crucial to
military hair, a dollar-green power tie hanging loosely, and a
the game.
matching jacket. His belly had dipped over his beltline since A polished oak railing circled the restaurant's inside
I last saw him.
perimeter at table height. Paul pointed out the directory
He stepped into a handshake with Larry, asserting his
printed under glass plates on the railing. Over the course of
dumb masculinity-perhaps in case we had thoughts of
lunch, he said, we would see the entire city: Georgia State,
converting him-and Larry responded on cue, clutching
Martin Luther King's Memorial (Larry said he wanted to go
Paul's hand until Paul broke the connection. Then my there), and the west end of Peachtree Street, "where you
brother and I unconvincingly attempted an embrace. He said
guys can hang out at night," Paul said.
that Julie couldn't make it because of last minute prepara
"What do you mean?" 1 said. Larry kicked me under the
tions. Mom and Dad would be arriving tomorrow morning.
table, but I was only testing Paul. If Larry wasn't there Paul
From the elevator foyer we stepped onto a catwalk that
would have said something vaguely insulting like " ... to do
overlooked the dining room, which was .actually sunken one
whatever it is you people do." But I knew he wouldn't insult
story below. The entire showcase was lit by sunshine. Red
Larry.
patterned carpet cushioned the floor, an 'elaborate stairway
He pulled out his cigarettes and grabbed the matchbook
with brass railings led to the dining room, and flourishing
from the ashtray. I could see him searching for a response as
ferns and other greenery hung from the ceilings two stories
he lit up, his eyes squinting into the flame. Then he became
above the diners. Waitpeople in tuxedos carried napkins
matter-of-fact as billows of smoke escaped his nostrils. ''You
over their forearms and soft piano music soothed the silence
know- in case you want to go dancing or something," he
among us. Paul and I should have been babbling about old
said.
times and family and the future; instead it felt like a business
Larry smirked, and I felt ridiculous.
lunch. I had told Larry it would be like this, but I still felt
Paul said you could usually see Stone Mountain to the
embarrassed that I had so little to say to my brother.
east, but today was too hazy. Everything was so flat around
A clean-shaven maitre d' led us to our table by the
the city, he said, and this huge bald rock just sat out there
window. I turned to Larry and quietly said, "I can't even feel
like a lump, as if God put it there or something. It was an
it rotating."
amazing sight on a clear day.
"What do you think?" Paul said, belittling me as always.
"Did you bring your tux?" he said.
'"They're going to spin the place around so we can't keep our
"It's in the car," I said. I noticed the tapered cut of the
lunch down?" He tt>ld the maitre d' to bring martinis all
waiter's jacket when he brought our martinis. ''Why didn't
8 9
