The Joy of Parenting: An Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Guide to Effective Parenting in the Early Years

221 Pages·2009·1.2 MB·English

by  Lisa Coyne

“This book will help you become a better parent by helping you to
more effectively deal with parenting situations and to deepen your
understanding of your own values, thoughts, and feelings. Take some
time to read this work, let go of the past, and take your child’s hand to
move more mindfully into the future.”
—Thomas J. Dishion, Ph.D., codirector of the Child and
Family Center, professor of psychology at the University
of Oregon
“Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is one of the newest,
most influential, and most powerful forms of therapy to be developed
by psychologists in a long, long time. As scientific support for ACT
grows, so too has the breadth of its application. This book is an
example of a new frontier for that growth—parenting. By reading and
carefully following the advice this book contains, you can not only
become a more effective parent, but also a more effective and happier
person.”
—Patrick C. Friman, Ph.D., ABPP, director of clinical
services at Boys Town, clinical professor of pediatrics at
University of Nebraska School of Medicine
“For many, the joys of parenting are lost, hidden by the mind’s chatter
to ‘parent the right way’ or by the heart’s desire to escape the
emotional pitfalls of parenting. But the joys of parenting are found in
the space that lies between parent and child—in a relationship where
parents know the value of simply being with their child. Lisa Coyne
and Amy Murrell wisely and gently guide readers to that space.”
—Timothy A. Cavell, Ph.D., author of Working with Parents
of Aggressive Children and You’re Not the Worst Parent
in the World
“Parenting is always challenging, no matter how much we love our
children. This book offers practical ways to accept the challenge,
choose what matters most in our relationship with our children, and
take action to build this relationship one day at a time.”
—Jean E. Dumas, Ph.D.
“Most people know that parenting is a supremely difficult job and no
one ever gets it right all the time. This book is filled with examples,
questions, exercises, and strategies to help you look at who you are as
a parent: your values, your limits, and your fears, and thus enable you
to do what’s right (for you and your child), not what’s easy.”
—Carolyn Boehne, LICSW
“I was at the end of my rope with my daughter. I called around and
was able to find this program, ACT, and it was very helpful. I had
hope that things would work out when they gave me ways to deal with
the issues at home. My daughter is doing great, and I think it’s because
of some of the things I was able to use from the ACT program.”
—Liz S., client
“ACT taught me that there isn’t a perfect or easy fix to my problems,
but I learned not to get so wrapped up in my child’s behavior. I am
calmer in most situations now, and that facilitates my understanding of
myself as well as my child.”
—Traci S., client

Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and
authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with
the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological,
financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling
is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2009 by Lisa W. Coyne & Amy R. Murrell New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
All Rights Reserved Epub ISBN: 9781608826865
Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Cover design by Amy Shoup; Edited by Jean M. Blomquist; Text design by Tracy Marie Carlson
the Library of Congress has Cataloged the Print Edition as: Coyne, Lisa W.
The joy of parenting : an acceptance and commitment therapy guide to effective parenting in the early years / Lisa W. Coyne and Amy
R. Murrell ; foreword by Kelly Wilson.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN-13: 978-1-57224-593-8 (pbk. : alk. paper) ISBN-10: 1-57224-593-X (alk. paper) 1. Parenting. 2. Acceptance and commitment
therapy. I. Murrell, Amy R. II. Title.
HQ755.8.C69 2009
649’.64--dc22
2009023486
For my children, Josie and Rory. You are my greatest joy.
—LWC
To my own parents, for teaching me that life is perfectly whole.
—ARM
Contents
A Letter from the Series Editor
Foreword
Acknowledgments
Chapter 1. An ACT Philosophy of Parenting
Accept, Choose, and Take Action
Chapter 2. Parenting a Child in the Early Years Is Tough Work
Common Challenges
Chapter 3. Parenting Values
What Matters Most
Chapter 4. Is the Goal Control?
Managing Feelings vs. Managing Behavior
Chapter 5. Being Mindful
Appreciating Your Child
Chapter 6. Doing What Works, Not What’s Easy
Standing for Your Child
Chapter 7. Building Your Relationship and Encouraging Good Behavior
Chapter 8. Using ACT for Acting-Out Behaviors
Chapter 9. Supporting Your Anxious Child
Chapter 10. Putting It All Together
Some Final Tools
References
Dear reader:
Welcome to New Harbinger Publications. New Harbinger is dedicated to
publishing books based on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and its
application to specific areas. New Harbinger has a long-standing reputation as a
publisher of quality, well-researched books for general and professional
audiences.
There are many books on parenting based on well-researched behavior
management techniques that parents can learn to apply to their own children.
The unique strength of this book is that it incorporates all this knowledge in a
new context that goes beyond teaching traditional behavior management
techniques. For instance, much of the book focuses on how parents can learn to
apply behavior management techniques in a much more thoughtful and effective
way by incorporating acceptance and mindfulness techniques. It also uses and
brings to life ACT principles that provide you with an understanding of how
your child’s mind––just like your own––is often playing tricks on your child and
yourself. It provides you with fun techniques to teach your kids and yourself to
recognize when your mind may not be your best friend and to relate differently
to your critical mind by learning to simply observe your mind and focus on the
important and cool stuff that really matters in life.
The book does not lecture you or make prescriptions, and the authors present
information in a very accessible and easy-to-read style. It is written with
compassion and from an understanding of how difficult parenting often is in our
increasingly more complex world. The book helps you identify, clarify, and then
stick with your own parenting values and goals. Being aware and in tune with
those values is particularly important and helpful when you encounter truly
challenging and difficult issues with your kids. The authors encourage and show
you how you can confront those issues without becoming overwhelmed by them
and how to take care of yourself when you feel stressed out because things are
not working out as planned.
The book provides many useful case examples and lots of concrete exercises
and practical suggestions which will help you adapt the methods described to the
particular situation you find yourself in with your kids. Although the book
provides information that is applicable to many different parenting situations and
everyday life problems, it also makes specific suggestions for some common
problems of childhood such as those that involve anxiety and acting out (e.g.,
tantrums, aggression).
As part of New Harbinger’s commitment to publishing books based on
sound, scientific, clinical research, we oversee all prospective books for the
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series. Serving as series editors, we
comment on proposals and offer guidance as needed, and use a gentle hand in
making suggestions regarding the content, depth, and scope of each book.
Books in the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series:
Have an adequate database, appropriate to the strength of the claims
being made.
Are theoretically coherent. They will fit with the ACT model and
underlying behavioral principles as they have evolved at the time of
writing.
Orient the reader toward unresolved empirical issues.
Do not overlap needlessly with existing volumes.
Avoid jargon and unnecessary entanglement with proprietary methods,
leaving ACT work open and available.
Keep the focus always on what is good for the reader.
Support the further development of the field.
Provide information in a way that is of practical use to readers.
These guidelines reflect the values of the broader ACT community. You’ll
see all of them packed into this book.
Sincerely,
Georg H. Eifert, Ph.D., John P. Forsyth, Ph.D., Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D., and
Robyn Walser, Ph.D.
Foreword
In the fall of 2000, I began my faculty post at the University of Mississippi—Ole
Miss to those who love her. Amy Murrell was one of my first students. Lisa
Coyne, a student of my colleague Alan Gross, soon joined the Acceptance and
Commitment Therapy (ACT) Treatment Development Group. At that time, there
had been virtually no ACT work done with children. My training had been
focused mainly on adults, and we were only treating adults in my lab. Amy and
Lisa chastised me for my reluctance to treat or supervise the treatment of
children.
“Do we have to wait until two decades have beat them up before we treat
them?!” they protested.
It made sense to me that ACT principles could be applied to children as well
as to adults, and I couldn’t think of a sound reason our little group shouldn’t
explore this application. And though I probably resisted the idea longer than I
should have, Amy and Lisa finally compelled me by dint of sound argument and
dogged persistence to work with children. I saw children, they saw children, and
together, we found our way. Together, we sorted out ways to give ACT a voice
that could be heard by children. Someone had to do that work, and looking back,
I’ve glad that we saw the opportunity and took it.
When I read this volume, I heard that voice we found together years ago,
now refined and amplified by the years of experience shared by these authors,
both of whom are exceptional scholars and clinicians. And though that voice
speaks softly to children, the book itself is written to adults, to parents in
particular. When you work with children, you work with parents—or at least you
hope to work with parents. Why? Not because parents are the cause of children’s
problems. Rather, because in their parents’ care is where children learn and grow
the most.
As we all are, some children are born to wealth and some to poverty.
Circumstance may dictate how much time we can spend caring for our children.
But even under the most challenging of circumstances, it’s possible to bring love
and kindness to our interactions with them—even though we may not always
feel loving and kind. For those parents who choose to make a commitment to
creating a kind, loving, and nurturing space for their children, this book shows
the way.