How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding

322 Pages·2005·4.16 MB·English

Dr. JOHN TOWNSEND
how to have that
DIFFICULT
CONVERSATION
YOU’VE BEEN
AVOIDING
with
your
Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Boundaries
Boundaries Workbook
Boundaries audio
Boundaries video curriculum
Boundaries in Dating
Boundaries in Dating Workbook
Boundaries in Dating audio
Boundaries in Dating curriculum
Boundaries in Marriage
Boundaries in Marriage Workbook
Boundaries in Marriage audio
Boundaries in Marriage curriculum
Boundaries with Kids
Boundaries with Kids Workbook
Boundaries with Kids audio
Boundaries with Kids curriculum
Changes That Heal (Cloud)
Changes That Heal Workbook (Cloud)
Changes That Heal audio (Cloud)
Hiding from Love (Townsend)
How People Grow
How People Grow Workbook
How People Grow audio
How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding
Making Small Groups Work
Making Small Groups Work audio
The Mom Factor
The Mom Factor Workbook
Raising Great Kids
Raising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers curriculum
Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Preschoolers
Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age Children
Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Teenagers
Raising Great Kids audio
Safe People
Safe People Workbook
12 “Christ ian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy
Dr. HENRY CLOUD
DDr.. JJOOHHNN TTOOWWNNSSEENNDD
how to have that
DIFFICULT
CONVERSATION
YOU’VE BEEN
AVOIDING
with
your
SPOUSE • ADULT CHILD
FAMILY • BOSS • COWORKER
FRIEND • PARENT or
SOMEONE YOU’RE DATING
formerly titled boundaries face to face
How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding
Adobe Acrobat eBook Reader™ Format
Copyright © 2003, 2005 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Formerly titled: Boundaries Face to Face
Requests for information should be addressed to:
Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530
ISBN-13: 978-0-31-031963-4
ISBN-10: 0-310-31963-3
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible:
New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International
Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Italics in Scripture
quotations are added by the authors for emphasis.
Scripture quotations marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible®, ©
Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman
Foundation.
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Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Attorneys and Counselors, Suite
1000, Literary Agent, Orange, CA.
Interior design by Beth Shagene
To all those who seek to make truthful conversations
a central part of all their relationships.
Contents
Confident Confrontations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10
Part I
Why You Need to Have That
Difficult Conversation
1 The Talk Can Change Your Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
2 The Benefits of a Good Conversation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
Part II
The Essentials
of a Good Conversation
3 Be Emotionally Present . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
4 Be Clear about “You” and “I”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
5 Clarify the Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
6 Balance Grace and Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45
7 Stay on Task . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
8 Use the Formula, When You Do “A,” I Feel “B” . . . . . . . . . 52
9 Affirm and Validate. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55
10 Apologize for Your Part in the Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60
11 Avoid “Shoulds”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
12 Be an Agent for Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
13 Be Specific . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71
14 Differentiate between Forgiving and Trusting . . . . . . . . . . 75
Part III
Seeing How It’s Done
15 Telling People What You Want . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82
16 Making Someone Aware of a Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104
17 Stopping a Behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127
18 Dealing with Blame, Counterattack,
and Other Problems . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158
Part IV
Getting Yourself Ready to Have the
Conversation
19 Why You Need to Be Ready . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 184
20 How to Get Ready . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189
Part V
Having the Difficult Conversation
with People in Your Life
21 With Your Spouse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 208
22 With Someone You’re Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 220
23 With Your Child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 233
24 With Your Parent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 244
25 With Adult Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 257
26 At Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265
27 With People in Authority . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 277
Speaking the Truth in Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 288
Small Group Dicussion Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 292
Acknowledgments
S
ealy Yates, our agent, for his own commitment to truth and
love.
Scott Bolinder, our publisher, for supporting and partnering with
us in this work.
Sandy Vander Zicht, our editor, for her expertise and her genu-
ine care about seeing people grow and mature.
Maureen Price, director of Cloud-Townsend Resources, for her
appreciation for the value of boundaries face-to-face.
Denis Beausejour, director of Answers for Life, for his vision and
commitment to the process of helping others find Christ and expe-
rience the life Christ designed.
The attendees of Monday Night Solutions in Irvine, California,
for their faithfulness in seeking God and helping us develop the
concepts that ended up in this book.
9
Confident Confrontations
W
e never foresaw how well our book Boundaries: When to Say
Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life was going to do.
Although we knew through our clinical work that many p eople
identify with the need to regain control of their lives, we had no
idea how widespread that need was. Almost everyone feels the need
for better boundaries at one time or another.
Sometimes we need to deal with a difficult person in a relation-
ship, such as a controller, a manipulator, or someone who is irre-
sponsible or even abusive. At other times we need to figure out
what demands of life to say no to so we won’t overextend ourselves.
At still other times we need to work out better patterns of intimacy
and relatedness in a good relationship, or take a stand for our values
in a difficult one. Still other times, we might need to keep someone
from taking over more of our time, energy, and resources than we
would like to give. There are many, many different contexts of life
in which we need to exercise good boundaries. For people who care,
setting those boundaries can be tough. So it really is no surprise
that Boundaries has found such a ready audience.
As a result of the book’s following, we find ourselves speaking to
tens of thousands of people directly every year and literally millions
through our radio program. When we talk to people, the theme of
dealing with difficult relationships continues to surface. Resolving
relational issues is always on the forefront of people’s minds.
As we answer questions, we find ourselves continually telling
p eople that they should have a direct conversation with the person
with whom they have the problem. They repeatedly say either, “I’ve
10