Table Of ContentADDICTION
PATRICKCABNES, PhD.
8 Years Two and Three: Rebuilding
9 Three Years Phis: Working a Program and Healthy Sex
10 Three Years Pus: Family of Origin and Child Abuse
11 Family Renewal
12 From Boundaries to Frontiers: Toward a New Culture
Notes
‘Appendix A: Self-Assessment Surveys
‘Appendix B: Selected Data Sets
Index
S8RERBBES BSae. -
8
|oN TR OD UC Tt ON
2 INTRODUCTION
‘Sex addicts define recovery as the transformation from a life of
‘example, repression of memories about childhood sexual abuse
is very common in early recovery. Our hope was that by working
‘with more experienced recovering people, key issues would be
clearer and better defined.
Finding these people proved to be a tough assignment. While
ecovery groups have been active since the late seventies, the
number of people who have had successful recoveries over a signifi-
‘cant period of time is still small. In addition, because of the anony-
‘mous nature of those groups, locating the people and getting them
to complete long, painful surveys required the use of an informal
network of therapists and recovering addicts. The success of the
Project in many ways testifies to the extraordinary trust among
Lhastiepl prodfinilhscamponaMyrar mien
No fellowship officially endorsed this survey; to do so would be
INTRODUCTION a
against their traditions. We received generous support, however,
from individual members of all four of the fellowships: Sex and Love
Addicts Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anony-
baseline behaviors of 932 addicts to show that the differences he-
all over the country required an enormous amount of energy and
time. The result was many thousands of pages of their words, which
add depth and wisdom to the numbers and comments gathered from
the surveys.
To create data files, run statistical analyses, tabulate open-
ended questions, and make meaning out of many thousands of pages
of interview transcripts was a gigantic task. That it was all done
within two years was possible only because the research team and
the recovering people who supported us shared a sense of urgency.
] INTRODUCTION
‘This book synthesizes the story of nearly one thousand addicts
and their families and represents the combined efforts of many. 1
wish to acknowledge my deep gratitude to all who filed out surveys
and interviews. Without you we could never have verified
‘what we knew to be true or discovered al that we learned. Through-
cout the book, identifying details and names were altered to protect
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‘work who helped us arrange the interviews.
[also wish to thank Tom Bender and Debbie Osteen of Universal
INTRODUCTION 5
Anatomy
of an
Addiction
The Signs
of Addiction
+ A woman uses a vibrator so intensely she bums herself and has to
‘g to the emergency room.
* A thirty-one-year-old man, married and the father of three small
children, has been having sex with men in “hot johns” since he was
‘seventeen. He got married to stop. He went through treatment for
alcoholiem to stop. Now he has AIDS. So does his wife. They are
both dying.
‘+ The priest has a thousand-dollar-a-week prostitution habit. His only
‘way to support the habit is to steal from the parish he serves,
‘= Their children and friends knew. But his wife was in the dark until
she discovered three volumes carefully annotating his sexual en-
counters with fifteen hundred women.
« A thirty-eight-year-old dentist is furious about his wife's sexual
unavailability. He secretly drugs her to have sex with her.
= A thirty-five-year-old schoolteacher is stunned as she watches
Looiing for Mr. Goodbar and recognizes that it fits her life with
frightening accuracy.
* A thirty-three-year-old woman leaves her toddlers alone while she
‘goes off to meet her lovers.
0 ANATOMY OF AM ADDICTION
* A sixty-six-year-old man is arrested for the third time for stealing
+ A minister is confronted by the bishop, who has heard about his
affairs with parishioners.
* A corporate technical guru has been the subject of seven sexual
harassment complaints in two years. Now there is one from a
major customer.
* A youth leader has sex with yet another boy. He plans suicide if
‘ever discovered.
‘The signs of addiction. Some would say these cases are matters
‘of sexual excess or bad judgment or accidents. Others would dismiss
them as bizarre or perverted, part of the ragged edge of life. In reality,
they represent a much more serious problem: a life-threatening obses-
sion with sex. These situations involved people whose lives were
dominated by a pattern of out-of-control sex. Such people are sex
addicts. They have experiences that others don't have, at least not
in the same way or to the same extent. The pattems of their lives
‘signify the presence of an iiness we are just beginning to understand.
We are surrounded by the signs of sex addiction yet still resist
its reality. We can accept that people can be sick with alcoholism or
can destroy themselves with gambling or food—but not sex. There
are some who see the problem clearly but hesitate to call it an
plays in all of our lives.
1, Sex is essential. Sex is key to the survival of our species, and
‘some of our richest cultural symbols relate to the meaning and
beauty of sex. Our songs and literature testify that some of our
best moments 2s human beings are sexual. The first statement
made about every one of us is a sexual statement: It’s a boy! It's
a girl! Our sex—male or female—is a fundamental definition of
‘who we are and strongly influences how we live out our lives.
2. Sex is powerful. People in passion will murder, betray, and exploit
others. Sex sells products from cologne and cars to newspapers
THE SIGNS OF ADDICTION "
3. Sex és frightening. Current estimates suggest that one out of ten
men: will commit date rape and that one milion women will be
raped this year, over half of them by someone they know. Over
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‘This book is about sex addicts but also about the fear, the
power, and the importance of sex. From the stories of addicts who
Jearn about the damage of child abuse, family dysfunction, and multiple
addictions. Sex addiction may be the extra insight we have needed to
generate a global picture of a cultural crisis: ours is an addiction-prone
culture which is, moreover, becoming increasingly vuinerable to
addictive iliness. And sex addiction is one of the most destructive.
For many, this book will be painful to read. You may recognize
addicts. On the basis of our research and clinical experience, there
‘are ten signs that indicate the presence of sexual addiction:
1. A pattern of out-of-control behavior
2 Severe consequences due to sexual behavior
2 ANATO
OF AW ADDICTION
‘3. Inability to stop despite adverse consequences
4. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive or high-risk behavior
‘5. Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior
6, Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy
T. Increasing amounts of sexual experience because the current
level of activity is no longer sufficient
8. Severe mood changes around sexual activity
9. Inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual,
or recovering from sexual experience
1, A pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior
THE SIGNS OF ADDICTION a
because of what was happening at home. He managed to get her out
of the house and referred her to a therapist. Unfortunately, Barb's
therapist became part of her problem. She says:
He physically and sexually abused me. So, | think that was
when the covering of the sexual addiction came off. 1 was
out of the house so I didn't have as many restrictions, plus
me—hurting my genitals and hurting my breast while he
talked sexually explicitly with me. I knew it was inappro-
priate for me to be directly sexual with him, and even the
therapist was lelling me not to be sexually active, but was
doing stuff to me. I would call him supposedly in distress
while 1 masturbated. Some of the sex and love addiction
started at that point.
Sadly, one of the discoveries that emerged from our survey is
that women addicts seeking help are often sexually abused by their
therapists. In Barb's case, the situation became even more compli-
cated when she became romantically involved with one of her thera-
pist’s friends, She lived with him for about a year in a very destructive
and obsessive relationship. When that ended, her sexual life became
a blur of partners:
1 woukl go out and have sex with men | hardly knew.
‘There were times when I had dates with up to seven men
ina twenty-four-hour period. I can remember going through
a week where I'd had eight partners including two at a
time. When it was two partners at a time, both a man and
‘a woman, | was doing cocaine, drinking quite a bit, and smok-
ing marijuana. The next day when both the drugs and the
sexual high wore off, I felt like | was completely empty,
bankrupt, and black inside.
‘Yet I would flirt with any man without having any control
‘over it. li didn't matter how old someone was, it didn’t
matter if they were married, it didn’t matter if they were a
best friend’s lover. | was embarrassed, but I couldn't stop
myself. That was part of the way I set myself up for
multiple relationships. And I was actively having sex when
T had infections. 1 got herpes, of course, through acting
=
ANATOMY OF AW ADDICTION
out. There was a relaticaship with a guy I had been trying
to get out of for a couple of months. I didn’t want to have
sex with him at that point because of herpes. But I couldn't
‘still persist in the pattern. Many of us abuse our sexuality at some
time or go through periods of sexual excess or make mistakes
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THE SIGNS OF ADDICTION 1s
* Sex addicts recognize AIDS as perhaps the most lethal complica-
tion to their iiness.
+ Many sex addicts have lost a partner or spouse (40 percent), and
most have experienced severe marital or relationship problems (70
percent).
‘+ Some addicts have lost rights to their children (13 percent), and
‘some have found it necessary to cut their ties with their family
of origin (8 percent).
« Women sex addicts report deep grief over abortions (36 percent)
‘and unwanted pregnancies (42 peroeat).
+ For a majority, addiction has had severe financial consequences (58
percent).
‘+ Some addicts reported losing the opportunity to work in the career
of their choice (27 percent).
© Most sex addicts (79 percent) tallc of serious losses of job produc-
tivity; 11 percent were demoted.
= Many sex addicts repetitively pursue their behaviors to the point of
exhaustion (59 percent) or even physical injury (38 percent).
* The majority of sex addicts say they routinely ran the risk of
venereal disease (65 percent).
© A total of 68 percent have pursued activities for which they could
be arrested; 19 percent actually were.
Barb’s sex addiction led her to put herself in jeopardy with
dangerous men. On three separate occasions men she slept with
threatened her life. One told her stories of dismemberment while
holding a knife to her throat; two weeks later he was arrested for
first-degree murder. During these years Barb worked compulsively,
‘sometimes at as many as four or five jobs. The only relief from work
‘was men. The only way to avoid men was work. Barb estimates that
‘she lost ten years of her life engaging in or running away from her
‘sex addiction. At one point she saw a sex therapist to help her with
the problem, but the therapist did not see her behavior as an issue.
‘Rather, Barb was told that she needed to become comfortable with
her sexuality.
