Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with your Adult Children

257 Pages·2008·1 MB·English

by  Dr. Ruth Nemzoff

Don’t Bite Your Tongue
How to Foster Rewarding Relationships
with Your Adult Children
Dr. Ruth Nemzoff
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Praise for Don’t Bite Your Tongue:
“A groundbreaking book on how to foster parent-adult child close-
ness! You will laugh and cry as you recognize yourself in these pages,
but most of all,you and your adult children will learn how to have a
loving and supportive relationship.”
—Jim Roosevelt,CEO of Tufts Health Plan,and
Ann Roosevelt,co-founder Massachusetts
League of Environmental Voters
“Don’t Bite Your Tongue offers parents of adult children a way to take
the “bite” out of what can be complex relationships. Ruth Nemzoff
provides the tools for fulfilling and meaningful relationships with
adult children and ways to understand and correct the missteps that
can easily occur.Her sage advice makes meaningful and fulfilling par-
ent child relationships possible throughout our lifecycles,a gift to all
involved.”
—Jaine Darwin,Department of Psychiatry,
Harvard Medical School
“A very wise book.It not only takes into account the perspectives of
parents and adult children but helps us to understand how changes in
society influence these perspectives. Its non-judgmental framework
and helpful questions should foster important cross-generational
dialogue.”
—Rhoda Unger,author of Women and Gender:
A Feminist Psychology
“Although tons of parenting books line the shelves of bookstores,
very little exists to help parents of 20-,30- and 40-somethings.Ruth
Nemzoff has written an informed and readable book that covers
most of the universal developmental issues faced by today’s parents of
adult children. She encourages both generations to reflect on our
inevitable differences, and advises us on how to speak respectfully
about them. If her advice is followed, family relationships will be
strengthened,improving life for all involved,including the following
generations of children.”
—Linda A.Braun,former director of
Families First Parenting Programs
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“Parents work hard to raise their children into adulthood and want
to find a way to remain connected.Ruth Nemzoff avoids the blame
game, and focuses on the positive ways parents and adult children
can add meaning to each other’s lives. Don’t Bite Your Tongue is a
smart and heartwarming guide to a life stage that’s been largely
unrecognized.Every parent should read it!”
—Caryl Rivers,author of Selling Anxiety:
How the News Media Scare Women
“A sensitive and insightful guide to understanding and remaining
close to your adult child.An enormously practical and helpful book.”
—Joshua Coleman,Ph.D.,author of When Parents Hurt:
Compassionate Strategies When You and
Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along
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DON’T BITE YOUR
TONGUE
HOW TO FOSTER REWARDING
RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR
ADULT CHILDREN
Ruth Nemzoff, Ed.D.
Preface By
Rosalind Chait Barnett, Ph.D.
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DON’TBITEYOURTONGUE
Copyright © Ruth Nemzoff,2008.
All rights reserved.
First published in 2008 by
PALGRAVE MACMILLAN®
in the US—a division of St.Martin’s Press LLC,
175 Fifth Avenue,New York,NY 10010.
Where this book is distributed in the UK,Europe and the rest of the world,
this is by Palgrave Macmillan,a division of Macmillan Publishers Limited,
registered in England,company number 785998,of Houndmills,
Basingstoke,Hampshire RG21 6XS.
Palgrave Macmillan is the global academic imprint of the above companies
and has companies and representatives throughout the world.
The poem,“In October,Everything Starts to Come Apart,”appears courtesy
of its author,Barbara Crooker.
Palgrave® and Macmillan® are registered trademarks in the United States,
the United Kingdom,Europe and other countries.
ISBN-13:978–0–230–60518–3
ISBN-10:0–230–60518–4
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Nemzoff,Ruth E.
Don’t bite your tongue :how to foster rewading relationships with
your adult children / Ruth Nemzoff ;preface by Rosalind Chait Barnett.
p.cm.
Includes bibliographical references (p.) and index.
ISBN 0–230–60518–4
1.Parent and adult child.2.Adult children—Family relationships.
3.Intergenerational relations.I.Title.
HQ755.86.N45 2008
646.7(cid:2)8—dc22 2007050069
A catalogue record of the book is available from the British Library.
Design by Newgen Imaging Systems,Ltd.,Chennai,India.
First edition:August 2008
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Printed in the United States of America.
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To my parents,Samuel A.and Sophie Nemzoff,and
my stepmother,Frieda Baxt Hohenemser Nemzoff,all of
whom taught me how to parent.
To my husband,Harris Berman,
with whom I continue to share a wonderful life.
He’s been my partner in raising four fabulous adults.
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CONTENTS
Disclaimer viii
Acknowledgments ix
Preface xiii
Introduction:Get Comfortable with Ambiguity 1
1 Don’t Let Go,Don’t Bite Your Tongue 11
2 Know Yourself 25
3 Say Goodbye to Fantasy and Hello to Reality 39
4 Emerging Adulthood 51
5 Refilling the Nest 65
6 Relationships 81
7 Weddings 97
8 Grandparenting 109
9 Money 127
10 Eternal Triangles 149
11 Communication Tips 165
12 Conclusion 183
13 Yours to Write 193
Appendix I:How to Start a Support Group 195
Appendix II:Further Readings 197
Appendix III:Films and Videos 201
Appendix IV:Literature for Book Clubs 207
Notes 209
Bibliography 221
Index 229
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DISCLAIMER
All characters and stories in this book are composites. If the
characters and vignettes seem familiar to you though you
have never met me,or even if you have had long talks with me,be
assured,they are not you.They are familiar because the situations
are so common that the stories were repeated to me in one version
or another by many people.I hope,however,you will gain insight
into yourself by looking at these composite characters, since we
are all brilliant in advising others.Enjoy the book.
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Iwant to thank my editor,Luba Ostashevsky.By thanks,I mean
that Luba was the force behind this book.She sought me out,
she advocated for this book,and she had faith in me even though I
had never written a book. She also read drafts and gave precise,
insightful,and easy-to-follow comments.She is a brilliant teacher,
great fun, and was the force and cheerleader behind me. Yasmin
Mathew was a calming and tolerant production editor, Lauren
Dwyer is the efficient and thorough publicist every author dreams
about.My thanks to Palgrave Macmillan for giving me this oppor-
tunity. My Barnard College roommate, Elinor Yudin Sachse, a
professional photographer has been proofreading my papers for
over fifty years. She undertook the huge task of editing all the
chapters,wrote chapter nine with me,and gathered people for dis-
cussions.Her combination of precision,creativity,and loyal friend-
ship is unmatched. Filmmaker and author, and also my Barnard
floormate,Bonnie Sherr Klein provided constant encouragement.
She and my Barnard “little sister”Carol Cardozo spent hours read-
ing the manuscript and sharing their ideas. Another Barnard
friend,Ellen Offner,a former editor and now principal of Offner
Associates, Healthcare Consultants, edited every chapter many
times and kept my spirits up through the long years before pub-
lication. Rosalind Chait Barnett wrote the preface to this book
and helped me write much of the book’s contents.Additionally,I
must thank my husband, Harris Berman. He has always been
respectful of my perspective, but has enriched each of us in the
family with his own. He meticulously read each chapter and
corrected all sorts of errors. Melanie Grossman advised me on