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Vol.2, No. 127 May 1991
FEATURES BACK
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CONSUMER GUIDE £Q True Facts ^
FEATURING: Evaluating Your Personal Economic Indicators (Robert Leighton); Edited by John Bendet
True Travels: Metropolis, Illinois,
How to Handle Your Money (Larry DoyU); Where Your Money Goes Street
Home of Superman ^
Fraud (Robert Leighton); Will V Wallet How Product Testing Costs You
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By Drew Friedman, Mark Newgarden, Justin Green,
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WILD
STATUESQUE 32 ll. long and
80 ions. How was an ancient
civilization able to build some­
thing [his awesome?
DOUBLE TROUBLE SOFT AS A HOCK Tnis unusual form of sandstone actually sags under Its own weight.
Obinrt*h ,S oiaumt ethsee tirwabiny ^gsa vlaet her ILLOGICAL
i ROAD TO NOWHERE Ancient Anasazi Indians built a 500-mile A VISION OF couldn't marry rier-il would
network of roads-yet [hey had neve: sean a wheel or a horse. THE FUTURE haw been bigamy!
Ancient Hindu surgeons
performed successful
cataiaci surgery thou­
sands ol years ago
DEATH DEFYING LEAP
CATCHING SOME RAYS Sky diver Mark Mungiilo fell 2.500
eSnuvny wthoe rshhipipppoeprost ammiugsh.t fIeweict,e h-aitn sdo lliidv egdr otou ntedl,l bthoeu ntacleed.
It secretes its own
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A REAL SIZZLER In its path, lightning can generate
UNINVENTING THE WHEEL
Did you think the wheel was invented
tor transportation? No,
the ancients only
used it lor toys.
ICED FURY 250 in. ol snow a year and
winds clocked at 231 mph. The North
Pole? No. Ml. Washington, NH.
ZANY
WHO'S JUDGING
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From the beginning 1 wondered what months 1 saw the shining resume in his
would become of him he was such a hand and my faith was strong. His father,
sensitive boy. But I'm so proud and on the other hand, feared that he was not
relieved now that he's been made an edi seriously planning to get a job: he would
tor of the National Lampoon and he's in stay home for forty years watching 21 jump
with the right kind of people. Of course, Street and eating Muesli all day with his
I hear that some of the men in the office socks smelling. His father suspected that
wear earrings and I suspect they swear and this stressful job search was a hoax, that
talk about things like condoms. But their I remembered then that he had eaten a in reality he was going to New York to
hearts are in the right place and they're whole copy of New York magazine when meet former classmates so they could
giving him a paycheck, which is more he was three, including the movie list smoke marijuana and laugh at their par
than some college graduates in our town ings. At eleven, precociously interested ents, who were unaware that they would
are getting, who aren't even trying to pull in the editorial process, he hid under his be supporting them for forty more years.
their own weight and are embarrassing mattress a pile of magazines full of color And then he succeeded beyond my
their parents a lot. ful pictures of women. He would sit in the wildest expectations: 1 knew about the
As a baby he didn't sleep much, and he kitchen hunched over a dog-eared note National Lampoon because it was one of
had a terrible accusing stare. After a book, oblivious to the jelly leaking out of the magazines I'd find under his mattress
while he started to roll over; he'd roll his sandwich; he was writing little child when he was just getting interested in
from one end of the living room to the ish editorials. He would make small book journalism. I'm told now it contains a bet
other with this terrible accusing stare on lets of riddles and jokes, and sign his ter class of humor, and he can show in his
his face. I had been reading Arthur C. name in huge letters at the bottom. It was articles all the great things he knows, like
Clarke's Childhood's End just as I went very cute. how to spell Nietzsche. So it's really work
into labor, though maybe that's not really He was happy enough at first, but by ing out very well.
relevant. He just seemed to think a lot, junior high he was having problems. His On the third day, he called me from his
and he'd laugh to himself in a sweet kind teachers ganged up on him, calling me in new office just picked up his own phone
of way, though 1 must admit it gave me the for conferences to discuss his bad lan and dialed. He says his office is slightly
creeps. Later, he liked puzzles, but would guage and disruptive behavior. {That marred by plaster walls somebody has
take a misshapen puzzle piece and insist meant he asked too many questions.) In clawed at, but it has a door and a light fix
on forcing it into a space that even an high school things got a little better; they ture. He sits there and writes and thinks
inattentive toddler should have known left him alone now. He wrote things, like and writes some more. He goes to impor
wasn't right. Once he arranged a heap of weird articles for the school paper about tant meetings, just like anybody. The
clothes and blankets and chairs and lamps the CPR dummies. people say funny things all day and they
and sharp objects on top of his brother in Finally, in college, he met some others tell him he's funny, too. He gets to send
the crib. He had a creative soul, I rhink. of his kind. I had mixed feelings about out for milkshakes to go with the tuna fish
"Mother," he asked once, "when you this because I always felt that people like sandwiches I make him in the morning.
die.. . " His tiny voice faltered. him should be kept in the mainstream as He even has a medical plan, which Mrs.
"Yes, dear?" much as possible. But they had good Bossert's son doesn't have at his job until
"When you die, what happens to your times together in the big clubhouse that the end of a six-month waiting period,
magazine subscriptions?" Oh God, I belonged to the humor-magazine gang although I have to say it would certainly
thought, what does the future hold for a great bunch of very special people. be nice if it included dental.
one so sensitive ? Only gradually did I The morning after graduation though
come to realize that he was fascinated not actually, as a matter of fact, it was six
by death but by magazine subscriptions.
A J2 COMMUNICATIONS COMPANY
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
The Kids In The Hall
Even Mfe Had To Put Them On Alter
No subject is too sensitive. No one is safe. Not when "The Kids In The Hall" take aim with their own
wickedly sharp outlook on life. New episodes premiere every Friday at midnight EST.
SIMPLY THE BEST
©1991 Home Box Office, Inc. All Rights reseved, ®HBO is a registered service mark and trademark of Home Box Olfice, Inc.
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
i H £r a. m
Sirs: yours, and I'm wearing one of those
The fact that I am dead does not tight little sports outfits you love so
prevent me from writing letters. much. So give me a call. It's about
Scatman Crothers time you got what you really wanted.
Long gone Ray
555-6767
Sirs:
You know, if all the people in this Sirs:
room were laid end to end in the I had an interesting and unusual
hands of an angry God and cast into experience 1 thought 1 should write to
eternal fires, we wouldn't be a bit you about, as it might be amusing and
surprised. instructive enough to warrant publi
Dorothy Parker and cation in your fine magazine. It hap
Jonathan Edwards pened in Paris shortly after the last
Married in hell great war, among the gardens of the
Bois de Boulogne on a sunny day in
Sirs; early September. I was exiting a
Did you guys see that film with Mor nearby church, as it was Sunday, and
gan Freeman and Jessica Tandy ? Did my eyes happened to fall upon a lovely
you see how she kept bossing him and demure young woman wearing
around? He should have turned the gray wimple of a novice nun,
around and shot her in the face. Then engaged in sweeping the small square
Sirs: he would have been free to drive clean of leaves and the excrement of
I arn ten years old, and recently my around without her bitching at him. animals with a long broom. Some
parents informed me that this spring Maybe I'm being a little hard. But in thing in her manner arrested me in
they were taking me to Disney World the movies, there's no reason to take mid-stride, a downcast glimmer in her
for a week. Does this mean I'm dying? any bullshit. eyes as of suffering long-borne, so I
Jim Greenwood Ernst Pawel could not help but approach her. And
Lexington, Ky. Aspen, Co Jo. so I did. "Miss? Mademoiselle?" I
asked gently. "Why do you sweep the
Sirs: Sirs: square ?" She shook her head and
I would really enjoy seeing more I'm a biology major at a small Mid looked sad. I speculated that perhaps
stories of actual rescues of people who western college. Recently, during an this punishment had been given her
have phoned 911. The bravery of advanced course in anatomy, the pro by her abbess to rein in a fiery spirit. I
the... fessor asked if I would mind helping asked again and received the same
Piease ignore the previous para her with a little demonstration. I nonverbal reply, and decided she was
graph. My parents were in the room. thought that would be fine, especially so overcome with shame and remorse
What I really want to see is more since my professor is a tawny, long- that she could not bring herself to
pictures of naked babes with big tits, legged twenty-three-year-old with answer. As it turned out, she
you faggots. perfectly formed breasts and the responded as she did because she
Philippe sweetest, most delicious-looking little knew no English and in any case was a
Weltschmerz, N.Y ass I have ever seen. Well, 1 never deaf-mute. And sirs, in 1951, that
imagined I'd be writing one of these woman became my wife.
To all: letters to you, but I think once you've Rodney D. Aungieurfelle III
This letter is a palindrome. read my story, you'll understand why Syosset, L.I
Emord Nilap Ldid.
Asiret Telsihtl, Laot John Turner Sirs:
Topeka, Kans. Devil with the blue serge, blue serge,
Sirs: Story enclosed blue serge,
That guy Jesse Helms really sucks, Devil with the blue serge on.
but personally I'm not convinced our Sirs: Mitch Ryder's Quality Tailoring
taxes should fund the arts at all. I Have you ever wondered just once Detroit, Midi.
mean, we can't afford to buy any of it, what it was like to kiss a guy on the
right? All we can afford are prints, lips? Just for a second? Or perhaps the Sirs:
and almost anyone can tell the differ reason you really get excited watching I arn only in the first grade and am
ence between prints and the real football, basketball, or baseball is just learning to read and write, but 1
thing, right? Like, 1 really loved that because of those tight little uniforms was happy to have received your mag
picture of the guy sticking a whip up they wear you ever think about that? azine for my birthday present. I spent
his ass and looking back at the cam Well, it's true, that's why you really the entire night of my birthday staying
era, but it cost jillions. I had to settle watch sports. You see, you're really up in my bedroom reading article after
for a print, and so far nobody's been gay. All of you. There's no escaping it. article. When I was finished I vowed
impressed. You're wondering what I look like that never would I read again. This
Janet now, aren't you? I'm really hot is, consequently, also the last thing I
A confused liberal twelve inches of hot. And I can be will ever write. I hope that you show
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
~iV
i H £r m p
others the way. country, we wouldn't be in the mess Sirs:
Tommy Teeboy we're in now. I just don't seem to get the same
Making the most of every day Marie Rabas kick out of phone sex that I used to.
University of Chicago Last night I paid extra to not wear a
Sirs: P.S. We really wouldn't!!!! condom. But how do they know?
After reading your April issue, I just Alexander Dumb Bell
want to remind you that there are no Sirs: New Brunswick, NJ.
objective standards for humor. What I used to think that making yourself
one person thinks is funny might not available for sex with a lot of different Sirs:
be funny to another person. For boys you didn't even know or like very Sorry, couldn't get you that techni-
instance, someone who has never seen much was romantic and special. In cal training you wanted, Have fun and
a lemon before might find it hilarious, retrospect, I may have been wrong. be ail that you can be, for as long as
while someone else who has sweated Tanya Lamont you can.
his life in the lemon pits WOULD Centerdale Home for Unwed Teens An Army Recruiting Officer
NOT find a thing funny about them. A long way from the front
Robert Muldoon Sirs:
The lemon pits I used to think that driving drunk Sirs:
with your headlights off and your eyes I invented an invisibility formula,
Sirs: closed was cool, even glamorous. Now but it wasn't a total success. I bathed
Let me praise your publication, I'm not so sure. in it and it made my skin invisible,
Of the sort that films Vacation. Gary Lamont showing all my internal organs and
Verily, I've loved them all, Centerdale Hospital, juvenile Wing grossing people out.
Every jibe and every fall, Semi-Invisible Man
Yet I'd make one slight Sirs: Translucent, Mo.
suggestion, I used to think that shooting your
Owing to my predilection: dad's pistols and shotguns at people Sirs:
Up the screen time Dana's given, who walked past your house was witty In a recent story, you used the
Rend her clothes, my friends, I'm in a funny sort of way. I guess I've got phrase "toga party." We object to this
driven. another think coming. phrase. Use of the toga implies the
Mad by Chevy's midget daughter Chuck Lamont superiority of the so-called "classical"
All the things I'm sure he's Centerdale Penitentiary, culture and is therefore imperialist, to
taught her.... Death Row for Young Offenders say the least. In the future, please
God, I'd love to nail that little clothe your partyers in acceptable
bitch. Sirs: multicultural fashion or do not clothe
Lewis Carrol 1 Love is indeed lovelier the second them at all.
Through with the Looking Glass time around, because the first time Progressive Alliance for
there's often premature ejaculation. Multicultural People's
Sirs: Charles Durning Fashion Progress
You know, if I were president of this Studio City, Calif. Campus, Va.
^ .L^-^V*** ...i^i^j..,.-rr
.? 4 ".'.'•*.-.•* '-••- ' ' - '
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
~iY a t
RONTAf. o n
Who Did It? AMAZING
SPORTS FACT
—————•* i «»»• • ^- —————
A NATIONAL LAMPOON POP HISTORY QUIZ CORNER
——————————————— ^ • «•>• . ^ ———————————————
One I/. S. president killed thousands of innocent people and spent billions
of taxpayer dollars just to divert public attention away from the failed
economy and his morally bankrupt domestic policy. Who did it?
Q Abraham Lincoln
Q James A, Garfield
Q William McKinley
0 George Herbert Walker Bush
Hint: As this magazine went to press, he had not yet been assassinated.
Answer Next Month.
CATTLE BRANDS OF THE GREAT CELEBRITY RANCHES
Muhammad All (Cassius
Clay) used to brag to
opponents that he would
"float like a butterfly and
sting like a bee." He's
lucky he never did either
both moves are illegal,
and he would have been
disqualified! (He tried
them once, against spar
ring partner Randall
"Tex" Cobb. Cobb was
knocked unconscious,
and never fought again
although he did later act
in several movies/)
STAFF ARTIST
PEUILLETON
Casper. Casper back with using it mercilessly on Duff­
GEOGRAPHY
"Norway." "Yalta/" by Duff­ ing. Duffing tight-lipped,
John Duffing, the chal­ ing. The tempo of the contest leaning back to put maxi­
lenger from M.I.T., leads off is starting to pick up. Duff­ mum body English on return,
with "Antarctica." Antarc­ ing, the challenger, putting and it's "Meshra er Req.'"
tica by Duffing, and it's A to the pressure on Casper. Magnificent word by Duff­
Floyd Casper of Princeton. "Africa" by Casper. A to ing! The champion is taken
Casper makes an easy Duffing. Casper smirking at completely by surprise. He's
return with "Australia." the challenger, trying to asking for a ruling. It's
Smiling to the crowd. Casper unnerve him. Duffing in with accepted! Meshra er Req,
the popular favorite here "Asia." Casper right back folks. A small village in
tonight. Duffing playing with "Alabama." Duffing Sudan, northeast Africa.
"Albania." Another Ato firing "Austria" from center Duffing, the challenger, has
Casper, who comes right court. Casper following up rocked the champion! Ter­
back with "Algeria." Cau­ his advantage, moving in rific shot by Duffing, and it's
tious play by both contest­ easily. "Amsterdam" by Q to Casper, He's being
ants. Duffing looking for an Casper, and the game goes dared by the challenger to
opening now. "Afghanistan" into the M's. Casper, a mas­ get into the treacherous
by Duffing, and it's N to ter of the supercilious look, Quincy's. The champion
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.