Divorce with Decency: The Complete How-to Handbook and Survivor's Guide to the Legal, Emotional, Economic, and Social Issues, 3rd Edition(A Latitude 20 Book)

269 Pages·2008·1.92 MB·English

by  Bradley A. Coates

LEGAL GUIDE / DIVORCE T H I R D E D I T I O N
“An impressively detailed, insightful, and compassionate guide.” C
—The Honolulu Advertiser o
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“Jewelry stores should hand this book out with the purchase t DD II VV OO RR CC EE
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of every engagement ring.”—Honolulu Magazine s
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his completely revised and updated third edition of the award-winning
Divorce with Decency includes the most current research, statistics, and I w i t h
insights on the effects of divorce on spouses, their children, and society V
overall. Written by a prominent divorce lawyer with more than thirty
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years of experience, it is the most comprehensive treatment of the legal, DD EE CC EE NN CC YY
emotional, economic, psychological, and social aspects of marital rela- R
tionships and divorce available anywhere in a single volume.
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Initial sections look at the dynamics of divorce: the causal factors, the
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common “stages” from initial separation onward, and the complications
surrounding each stage for older and younger couples and children. w The Complete How-To
Important information on spouse abuse is also included. The book
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discusses key criteria in selecting an attorney and gives expert advice t
h Handbook and Survivor’s
on directing and monitoring the course of a case efficiently and eco-
nomically. Detailed background on critical legal issues is given, followed
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by case histories highlighting key points of divorce law.New and exten- Guide to the Legal, Emotional,
sive sections have been added to this Third Edition which provide key E
tips on preserving, improving, and possibly “saving” marriages. The C Economic, and Social Issues
final section, “Life after Divorce,” looks at the newly divorced as they
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face single parenthood, new relationships, and remarriage.
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Informative yet highly readable (and occasionally amusing), Divorce
with Decency has proven to be indispensable to anyone involved in a C
divorce, whether directly or indirectly.
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BRADLEY A. COATES, ESQ., founder of Coates and Frey, the
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largest divorce law firm in Hawai‘i, serves as Of Counsel to the H
firm and is a popular author and international lecturer on I
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human and romantic relationships and the “Dynamics of
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Divorce.” He is also the founder and administrator of Divorce NOW INCLUDES A CRUCIAL NEW SECTION:
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with Decency, a low-cost divorce mediation clinic, and was D
Can Your Marriage Be Saved?
selected as “Best Divorce Lawyer” by readers of Honolulu Weekly I
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and Honolulu Magazine.Mr. Coates is a graduate of UCLA School I
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of Law and a member of the Hawai‘i and California State Bars.
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Bradley A. Coates, Esq.
University of Hawai‘i Press
Honolulu, Hawai‘i 96822-1888 www.uhpress.hawaii.edu
Divorce with Decency
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Divorce with Decency
The Complete How-To Handbook
and Survivor’s Guide to the Legal,
Emotional, Economic, and Social Issues
Third Edition
Bradley A. Coates, Esq.
A Latitude 20 Book
University of Hawai‘i Press
Honolulu
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© 2008 University of Hawai‘i Press
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
13 12 11 10 09 08 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Coates, Bradley A.
Divorce with decency : the complete how-to handbook and survivor’s
guide to the legal, emotional, economic, and social issues / Bradley A.
Coates.—3rd ed.
p. cm.
“A Latitude 20 Book.”
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-8248-3310-7 (pbk. : alk. paper)
1. Divorce—United States. 2. Divorce—Law and legislation—United
States. 3. Broken homes—United States. I. Title.

HQ834.C62 2008
306.890973—dc22
2008012816
Chapter illustrations by Charles Valoroso—Preface, Chapters 2, 3, 7, 8, and 9,
and John Pritchett—Chapters 1, 4, 5, and 6.
University of Hawai‘i Press books are printed on acid-free paper and meet the
guidelines for permanence and durability of the Council on Library Resources.
Designed by Nighthawk Design
Printed by Versa Press
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To my late father, Mark Coates, and to my mom, Bette.
They taught me the meaning of family.
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Contents
Preface xiii
Acknowledgments xxi
Chapter 1 The Need for Divorce with Decency 1
Divorce Hawaiian Style 3
Chapter 2 Some Basic Background 5
Where Has the All-American Family Gone? 6
Some Scary and Saddening Statistics 12
Can Your Marriage Be Saved? 17
Understanding the Basic Biological Differences
between Men and Women 22
Key Tips on Preserving and Improving
Your Marriage 27
Chapter 3 The Dynamics of Divorce 34
Causal Factors 36
Sociological Factors 38
Changing Family Structures 40
The Women’s Movement 42
Money: Dual-Income Families 44
Awareness of Abuse 45
Sex 46
Psychological Factors and Fallout 51
vii
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viii Contents
Common Phases of Divorce 52
Predictable Emotional Way Stations 52
Periods of Promiscuity and Personal
Sexual Revolutions 53
Separation: The Beginning of the End? 54
Divorcing Couples 56
The Uncoupling Process 57
The Women 60
Older Women 61
Younger Women 70
The Men 66
Older Men 66
Younger Men 70
The Economics of Divorce 73
Chapter 4 Kids in Crisis 75
The Children of Divorce 78
Boys 81
Girls 83
Different Ages = Different Impacts 85
Infants and Toddlers 85
Grade School and Early Childhood 86
Adolescence 88
Post-Adolescence 92
Custody and Visitation Arrangements 94
Chapter 5 Into the Courtroom 99
Hot Tips on How to Process Your Divorce
Economically and Efficiently 100
Attorney Selection 102
Mediation and Alternative Dispute
Resolution (ADR) 107
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Contents ix
Chapter 6 The Legal Issues 110
Grounds for Divorce 111
Separation 113
Annulment 115
Residency 116
Jurisdiction 117
Orders for Temporary Relief/Discovery 119
Property Division Guidelines 122
Specific Property Settlement Items 123
Classifications and Allocations of
Marital Property 124
How Marital Property Is Divided 124
Real Property 125
Pensions and Retirement Plans 129
Bank and Other Accounts 131
Debts 131
Final Settlement Payments 133
Attorneys’ Fees 133
Taxes 135
Alimony 138
Custody 142
Sole Custody 142
Joint Custody 144
Joint Legal Custody 144
Joint Physical Custody 146
Visitation 149
Contested Custody 150
Interstate Custody 156
Child Support 156
Medical Insurance 159
Issues in Military Divorces 160
Resumption of Maiden Name 160
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