Communication in cross cultural marriage

2017·1 MB·English

by  Dakwar, Christine

COMMUNICATION IN CROSS CULTURAL MARRIAGE

A THESIS-PROJECT
SUBMITTED TO THE FACULTY OF
GORDON-CONWELL THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE
DOCTOR OF MINISTRY

BY
CHRISTINE DAKWAR
MAY 2017
Copyright © 2017 by Christine Dakwar. All Rights Reserved.
I dedicate this work to the greatest treasure God has given me in this life, my family. I am so
grateful to my dear husband, Yousef, for his love, support, and constancy over the length of my
doctoral studies and writing. He has been an unshakeable support, sacrificing time and finance
and providing great moral and emotional encouragement. Thank you, Yousef. I also thank my
dear children, Lina, Allen, and Julie. They have been patient and stood by me, even in those
times in which I was less available due to my studies. Beyond that, I am indebted to the
unfailing love and support I have always received from my parents, siblings, extended family,
and our church—my family of faith. With all my love, I present this work to you, my family,
with gratitude to God.

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CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS .......................................................................................................................... v
ABSTRACT ................................................................................................................................................. vi
CHAPTER 1 ................................................................................................................................................. 1
THEORETICAL APPROACHES TO COUNSELING ............................................................................... 1
Introduction ............................................................................................................................................... 1
Definition of the Family ............................................................................................................................ 2
A Biblical View of the Family .................................................................................................................. 3
The Family in Today’s Culture ................................................................................................................. 5
Family Therapy ......................................................................................................................................... 5
Christian Counseling ................................................................................................................................. 6
The Christian Therapist ............................................................................................................................. 6
Therapy Approaches for Couple and Family Therapy .............................................................................. 7
Integrating a Biblical Therapy .............................................................................................................. 8
Systems Approach in Family Therapy .................................................................................................. 9
Structural Approach ............................................................................................................................ 11
Cognitive-Behavioral Couple Therapy ............................................................................................... 13
Hope-Focused Couple Therapy .......................................................................................................... 15
Solution Focused Therapy (SFT) ........................................................................................................ 17
Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT) ..................................................................................................... 18
Communication Approaches ............................................................................................................... 20
Integrated Model ................................................................................................................................. 22
Assessment Tools on Therapy ................................................................................................................ 22
Conclusion .............................................................................................................................................. 23
CHAPTER 2 ............................................................................................................................................... 25
THEOLOGICAL BASIS FOR COUNSELING ......................................................................................... 25
Introduction ............................................................................................................................................. 25
Human Personhood ................................................................................................................................. 26
Supreme Value .................................................................................................................................... 26
Broken Relationships .......................................................................................................................... 27
Marriage and Family ............................................................................................................................... 28
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At Creation- The Ideal ........................................................................................................................ 29
The Fall- The Reality .......................................................................................................................... 31
Redemption- The Change ................................................................................................................... 33
A Therapeutic Response to the Crisis ..................................................................................................... 35
Cross-Cultural Marriage in the Bible ...................................................................................................... 36
Biblical View on Communication........................................................................................................... 36
Summary ................................................................................................................................................. 37
CHAPTER 3 ............................................................................................................................................... 39
LITERATURE REVIEW ........................................................................................................................... 39
Introduction ............................................................................................................................................. 39
Culture .................................................................................................................................................... 39
Cross-Cultural Marriage ......................................................................................................................... 40
The Collective Cultures ...................................................................................................................... 42
The Individualistic Cultures ................................................................................................................ 43
The Counselor ......................................................................................................................................... 43
Intervention ............................................................................................................................................. 44
Communication in Cross Cultural Marriage ........................................................................................... 45
Communication Intervention in Cross Cultural Marriage .................................................................. 46
Adult’s Attachment ................................................................................................................................. 49
Conclusion .............................................................................................................................................. 51
CHAPTER 4 ............................................................................................................................................... 53
DESCRIPTION OF THE FAMILY ........................................................................................................... 53
Introduction ............................................................................................................................................. 53
History of Chief Complaint .................................................................................................................... 56
The Complaints ....................................................................................................................................... 58
Rita’s Family History .............................................................................................................................. 61
Rita ...................................................................................................................................................... 62
Mark’s Family History ............................................................................................................................ 63
Mark .................................................................................................................................................... 65
Case Formulation .................................................................................................................................... 66
Conclusion .............................................................................................................................................. 74
CHAPTER 5 ............................................................................................................................................... 75
INTERVENTION ....................................................................................................................................... 75
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Type of Intervention ............................................................................................................................... 75
Assessment Tools and Assessment Outcomes ........................................................................................ 75
Intake for Couple Therapy .................................................................................................................. 75
Family Genogram ............................................................................................................................... 76
Personal Assessment of Intimacy in Relationships (PAIR) ................................................................ 76
Areas of Change Questionnaire .......................................................................................................... 77
Individual sessions with Rita .................................................................................................................. 77
Type of Intervention ........................................................................................................................... 77
Goals of Therapy ................................................................................................................................. 77
Rapport of Sessions ............................................................................................................................. 78
Couple Therapy ....................................................................................................................................... 80
Goals of Therapy ................................................................................................................................. 80
Course of Therapy ............................................................................................................................... 85
Recommendations ................................................................................................................................... 91
Summary ................................................................................................................................................. 92
Appendix 1 .................................................................................................................................................. 97
Intake for Couple Therapy .......................................................................................................................... 97
Appendix 2 ................................................................................................................................................ 102
Family Genogram ..................................................................................................................................... 102
Genogram Symbols ............................................................................................................................... 103
Appendix 3 ................................................................................................................................................ 104
Personal Assessment of Intimacy in Relationships (PAIR) ...................................................................... 104
Appendix 4 ................................................................................................................................................ 107
Areas of Change Questionnaire ................................................................................................................ 107
References ................................................................................................................................................. 114
VITA ......................................................................................................................................................... 130

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I thank my thesis advisor Dr. Karen Mason of the Marriage and Family Counseling track
at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. Dr. Mason was always ready to answer any
questions I asked and to direct me in my writing.
Also, I thank Dr. Ray Pendleton of the Marriage and Family Counseling track at Gordon
Conwell Theological Seminary as the second reader of this thesis. I am gratefully indebted for
his very valuable comments.
Moreover, I thank my friends Loretta and Brent Neely, and Beth Moreno for editing this
thesis. A special thank you to Shiri Massina, Robert McFadden, and Dr. Pablo and Francis
Polischuk for their help with the logistics while I worked on this degree.
In addition, I am grateful to Pastor Ross Byars, the head of the Assemblies of God in the
Holy Land, and First Baptist Church in Groves, Texas, for their financial support.
My friends James and Melissa Moore and church members encouraged and supported me
during this long journey with their prayers, I am very grateful.
Finally, I want to express my profound gratitude to my husband, Yousef, and children
Lina, Allen, and Julie, and my parent, Elias and Na’ame, they continually provided me with
unfailing support and encouragement throughout my years of study and through the process of
researching and writing this thesis. This accomplishment would not have been possible without
them. Thank you.
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ABSTRACT

While a successful marital relationship involves various aspects, communication is the
key component for a successful marriage. A lack of strong communication skills and an
immature manner of relating to others lead to stress and increase struggles and conflicts between
spouses. While most couples experience difficulties in their marriage, cross-cultural marriages
face even more challenges that originate from their background and cultural differences. When
dysfunctional communication is added to such a marriage, conflict and dissatisfaction can rule
the relationship, and divorce may threaten it. However, utilizing specific counseling approaches
and integrating them with a biblical counseling approach, along with an understanding of
attachment styles, family structure and spirituality, help the couples of cross-cultural marriages
to improve their communication skills, to understand their spouses' feelings and needs, and to
work through their differences in effective ways. This counseling process developed in therapy
sessions would result in strengthening cross-cultural marriages and empowering the relationships
within the family.

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CHAPTER 1
THEORETICAL APPROACHES TO COUNSELING

Introduction
Many studies emphasize the role of communication and its effects on marital
satisfaction. They consider effective communication as an important component in
facing daily struggles and conflicts in marriage. The findings of these studies point out
that unclear communication, and lack of healthy communication skills among family
members, increase the tension in the family and cause conflicts and relational problems
(Guttman, 1995; Karney & Bradbury, 1995). Some research reports that these problems
can be found more in cross-cultural marriages, inasmuch as cross-cultural marriages have
more stress, dysfunction, and conflict (Frame, 2004; Tili & Barker, 2015).
Indeed, cross-cultural marriages face challenges and differences in many issues
such as values, gender, money, sexuality, religion, social class, and language (Frame,
2004), which are based on assumptions, convictions, and expectations (Romano, 1997).
All these factors can cause misunderstanding and negative reactions, and increase conflict
and feelings of distance from each other (Romano, 1997). However, when
communication is effective, while coping with their differences, couples in cross-cultural
marriages have an opportunity for personal growth and self-understanding (Tili & Barker,
2015).
The question of this thesis is how would clear and healthy communication help
resolve conflict and prevent divorce in a cross-cultural marriage? It will investigate and
apply how changing the communication style, learning new skills of communication, and
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expressing negative feelings in a respectful way can help settle interpersonal issues and
surmount challenges in cross-cultural marriages in a way that brings growth to the family
members and strengthens their relationships. This study will also consider vital
components of the dynamics in the couple’s relationship such as personality issues,
attachment style, problem-solving skills, family-of-origin system, family structure, and
spirituality.

Definition of the Family
The source of the word family comes from the Latin word familia, which means
"family servants, domestics collectively, the servants in a household" (Online Etymology
Dictionary, 2015). According to the United Nations (1948), “the family is the natural
and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the
State.” Family definitions have changed as society changes. A traditional definition of
family is “the smallest, organized, durable network of kin and non-kin who interact daily,
providing domestic needs of children and assuring their survival” (Stack, 1996, p. 31).
Patterson (1996) defines family in psychological terms. He points out that:
Most uses of the word family in research indicate that it was often defined
as ‘spouse and children’ or ‘kin in the household.’ Thus ‘family’ as
defined in economics, sociology, and psychology often was a combination
of the notions of household and kin… An exception to this standard
definition of family is in clinical and counseling psychology, where family
includes one’s family of origin (parents and siblings) in addition to spouse
and children (p. 818).
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