Canadian Adventist Messenger for 1997 - Vol. 66 - No. 10

28 Pages·2013·3.43 MB·English

Family Life:
Beyond the stereotypes
and white picket fences
HEART TO HEART
Love that Never Uses
a Measuring Rod
Ahappy family? Is that an endan- communication as a major cause of fam-
gered species? Does Adventism ily disharmony. C. Broderick, of the
ensure happiness within the National Council of Family Relations in
family? Minneapolis, Minnesota, reported that
The reality is that Seventh-day families which are classified as happy
Adventist families are not exempt from indicated that they:
adultery, premarital sex, divorce, physi- • talked more to each other
cal, emotional and sexual abuse, homo- • conveyed the feeling that they
sexuality, marital conflicts, and other understood what was being said to
relationships that are destructive to fam- them
ily happiness. Is it any wonder that • had a wider range of conversation-
many of our young people express their al subjects available to them
apprehension regarding marriage? Is • preserved communication channels
a
n Iv there a solution? Can we ensure happy and kept them open
so relationships? • shared more sensitivity to each
a
o: J others' feelings
hot Formula for Happiness Quality communication involves
P
God's plan is for each of us to have openness, honesty, respect, and a will-
happy family relationships. Jeremiah ingness to discuss differences. It involves
29:11 indicates: "For I know the plans I both the sending and receiving of mes-
Most family counsellors list have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans sages. Of the two, receiving may be the
to prosper you and not to harm you, most important. James admonishes us,
plans to give you hope and a future." "Every one should be quick to listen,
lack of communication
The formula for happiness is found slow to speak." James 1:19
in Jesus' command to us in John 15:12:
Take the Test
as a major cause of family "My command is this; love each other
as I have loved you." Then in the fol- It hurts to discover that we are not effec-
lowing verse, Jesus gives an insight on tive communicators. If you feel you are
disharmony. If you are brave
the scope of His love for each of us: brave at heart and are willing to have a
"Greater love has no one than this, that reality check, ask a family member if he
at heart and are willing to one lay down His life for his friends." or she believes you are communicating
Jesus modelled love — sacrificial clearly, openly, and effectively. The
have a reality check, love, love that had no boundaries. Jesus' shock you are likely to receive may be a
love did not depend on the reaction of painful jolt, because family members are
the receiver; He gave because He loved. prone to be honest. Yet honesty could be
ask a family member if he
the best medicine for healing and
The Cycle of Trust
strengthening a relationship.
and Communication
or she believes you are My family's happiness begins with
The true love that Jesus modelled is me. My starting point is choosing to
built on trust. "I no longer call you ser- have Christ as the ruler of my life. This
communicating clearly, openly,
vants, because a servant does not know translates into me daily asking for the
his master's business. Instead, I have power to think like Christ, to act like
and directly. called you friends, for everything that I Him, and to live and love the way He
learned from my Father I have made did — always seeking the best for others.
known to you." John 15:15 Love that never uses a measuring rod.
Trust leads to meaningful communi- Behold! What manner of love the Father
by Orville Parchment, cation. And in turn, open communica- has bestowed upon us that we are called
President of the tion leads to deeper trust in each other. His beloved children. (1 John 3:1) •
SDA Church in Canada Most family counsellors list lack of
2(cid:9) October 1997 Messenger
FAMILY LIFE FEATURE
Your Special Family
There are many reasons why there are more blended marriages
today than in the past. Divorce, desertion, separation, and death
There are other issues that crop up, such
as that of the original and new in-laws. We
are the predominant ones. More families are having to learn to
thank God for the Christian support of
Cathy's family as well as mine. Their accep-
deal and cope with a host of situations that other more "normal"
tance of this new family was instant. They
families may not have to, but cope and even flourish they can. have been a source of encouragement to us.
Some do not have this joy, though.
This is our experience as a blended family. In the case of the previous in-laws, there
can be a sense or feeling of betrayal. Why
T
antje and I were married in 1972. Unable to have chil- did you re arty, don't you care about the memory of our
dren, we eventually decided to adopt, and in 1981 a datighter/s ter? We are thankful that some of the family came
daughter, Jessica, was presented to us. We had just s t- to the wed g. We have sought to keep in touch with them.
tled down as a family and I had finished my first year at C C This, we beli&e, has helped. Some have dealt with it, while
in pre-ministry when Tantje became ill and suddenly died. others are continuing to. We realize they are an important link
Immediately, Jess and I had to deal with the loss of a wife to our past; our loved one may have died, but not our love for
and mother. I had to cope with juggling school, work, and the each other.
family. We are so thankful that during this time we were in An important issue that we must deal with on an ongoing
such a caring environment with many supportive people who basis is Jess' adoption. From the outset, we have determined to
could help us with many of our physical needs. The mental, be open with her about this issue. We have also sought to instill
emotional, and spiritual concerns were something that we had in her that we accept and love her. But as she gets close to 18,
to personally struggle through. she will have the opportunity to seek out her biological mother.
As our family was reduced to a dyad, it was important, espe- That can causs some apprehension for all, but we know that
cially later, to understand the dynamics of this relationship our love and cnmitment to each other have helped us in the
between Jess and me. Three years later Cathy and I were mar- past and willkntinue to do so.
ried, and we settled into a new family. We smiled then and now Jess writes, 'Over the years we have had our share of prob-
as our daughter announced to a friend when we had settled on le(cid:9) s; some of them brought positive results, others not so posi-
a wedding date, "My mom and dad are going to get married." tiv However, we do believe that God brought us together for
Yes, it was about time. Important healing had taken place. a re on known only to Him. We do love, respect, and value
Often, many who have found themselves in a similar situa- each other. We realize that each of us is a special gift from God
tion eventually have turned their thoughts to remarriage. We and that He wants us together. Both of my parents know that
have learned through this incident that it really is important within a year I will be able to find my biological mother and
allow healing to take place before one enters into another iiAi- our relationship will go through another change. But we know
mate relationship. The past is not forgotten, though it is that our love for each other will keep us together. I know I
buried. The past has contributed to making us what we are, have had to go through many personal battles as to my real
but the present and future will continue to mold us. That has identity. I sometimes felt that I had no one who really cared
been a difficult process, not without pain and misunderstand- about me. Even though I often felt alone, I wasn't; they really
ing, but we recognize in each other a commitment to being a do love me. A family does not just come together and every-
happy, supportive family. thing works out. Family takes time, work, dedication, love,
We soon learned that living together in the same house trust in God, and faith in tomorrow. A family is what you want
brought with it issues and challenges that we never faced at it to be, not what the world deems normal."
chapel together or during a few brief minutes in the school As I look in the Bible, especially the Old Testament, there
cafeteria over lunch. Cathy had to deal with instant mother- are many blended families. Some of them were that way
hood, not always an easy task. Jess had to come face to face through no fault of their own, others because of the conse-
with the realization that Dad was now being shared with quences of their own decisions. But through all of these stories,
another. Our dyad had become a triad. Cathy worked hard at one thing has come through loud and clear to our family: God
winning Jess' trust and love. It has worked, slowly at first. was committed to these people. We believe He is committed
Discipline was often left to me in the first few months until we only to them, but also to us, and to you. •
all began to grow comfortable with each other and the new By Doug Pollington,
family. But over the years we have seen how God has used Pastor of the Smiths Falls
Cathy wonderfully in ways only a mother can be used. and Perth churches in Ontario
October 1997 Messenger(cid:9) 3
The phone rang, and I had to Particularly, I hope that if the reader true adage "once bitten, twice shy" may
make a decision. Whether to is in a blended family or anticipating be experienced as unexplainable anger,
appear on a certain morning talk being in one, the following outline will rejection, or distance as one partner may
show to "lend my expertise to moderat- not discourage you. Use it as a type of be reacting to her/his unresolved pain
ing a panel discussing the blended fami- topographical map which displays the that was activated in the new relation-
ly" was the question of that moment. I hills that can be climbed and mutely ship.
chickened out! Politely, I made the warns of the impassable mountain
excuse of my work schedule, but I was ranges. 4 Reasons for remarriage, that
actually scared by the complexity and were so compelling at the time,
sensitivity of the topic. Perhaps this arti- Stressors Affecting later become the very issues that
cle may help to expiate my character the Blended Family cause troubles. Paradoxically, most peo-
failings in avoiding this needed issue. Finances are a leading cause of ple divorce for the same reasons they get
1 marital breakup, but in some married, when they discover that irritat-
Healing, or Unexpected Pain? blended families finances become ing weaknesses lie behind every strength.
Remarriage with a new mate and family an even greater issue. Paying out sup- Why do people remarry? For love, to
can, for many, feel like the very blessing port to children who do not live at medicate their hurt, heal their grief over
from God after previous experiences of home or waiting for support payments the losses of life, to secure a father or
pain in relationships of abuse or neglect. that often are not freely given, creates mother for their children, to meet their
For these people, having a new blended resentment. Paying for lawyers' bills, needs, fill their loneliness or dependency,
family — in which one or the other or increased mortgage payments after or to meet the expectations of others,
both of the spouses have children, property divisions, or just for the extra the church and internal clocks. Without
whether they live at home or not — is a family members all strain resources and a growing relationship, these reasons
healing and satisfying dynamic. cause stress. alone are like a blanket too short for the
Often, for other dear people, the marital bed. Even more frightening is
blended family is a crucible of unexpect- 2 Blending two people and their Freud's postulation of repetition com-
ed pain in the very relationship that had children into a new family is a pulsions, in that mates are chosen to set
seemed to promise salvation. What they real challenge, as each person up the same old family of origin issues
had hoped for was love, peace, intimacy brings a different culture from his/her so that in the new relationship these old
and security, but what they endure are family of origin, patterns and expecta- issues might finally be solved.
"new" relationships of loneliness, anxi- tions from the previous marriage, and
ety; despair and disconnection that seem the time that they had lived in their 5 Children of either parent may
to parody the previously broken family without a spouse. People are like resent the new spouse, as:
marriages. Jell-O; the longer they exist in a given • the new spouse represents the
Why? What is it about the blended relational model, the more they "set," loss of their family, reminding them
family paradigm that potentially can and they cannot help but bring some of their hurt
generate such pain? portion of this identity into the new • the new spouse attempts to parent or
family. discipline the children, which can be
Fostering Understanding confusing for them
A blended family is a unique and intri- 3 Scars and hurts from the previ- • the children lose their special close-
cate relationship of varied shapes and ous relationship(s) and from their ness, power, or attention of their
sizes with a multiplicity of issues, which parents' families during their single parent when energy and focus
are all in addition to the usual "ton" of growing-up years are mysteriously trans- moves to the new marriage
challenges that face first-time marriages ported into the new family, even with • the wishful thinking or denial of the
and the nuclear family. A description of the best efforts and intentions to keep children hoping against hope that the
the specific stressors that possibly can them from contaminating the new rela- family can be restored, and resultant
confront the blended family may foster tionship. Some have described their relational sabotages reminiscent of
understanding in the church community attempts to heal their new mate's pain Hayley Mills' movie The Parent Trap.
so that the church can develop as a vehi- from his/her past as trying to pay some- The children often become the scape-
cle of encouragement and never one else's emotional bill with coins from goat or symptom-bearers of the adjust-
condemnation to these needy families. the wrong currency. The ancient but ment stresses in the new family.
4(cid:9) October 1997 Messenger
1
6 The other parents have a (cid:9) Parent. s hay.e a prbiorbloyalty You Can Create a New Family
continuing influence on their ld oth
As formidable as this list appears, the
children. As most marriages end time and position, to protect
blended family is accomplishable when
with hurt, the chances for this poison to and provide for them over their new
the couple both aspire to:
leak to the children, even with the best spouses. If they sense that the new
• deeply love one another, continually
intentions to the contrary, is very high. spouse is angry with their child, or
showing affection, commitment and
Kids can be converted into unwitting worse, does not like them, a defensive
esteem, even when encountering the
pawns in parents' emotional battles. In reaction occurs that pits the children
pull of divided loyalties with the
competition, parents may show too against the new spouse. Due to the
children and all the other pressures
much "love," buy too many gifts, or prior loyalty and parenting instincts, the
of life
fund every activity so that their children new spouse rarely wins this conflict and
• share, communicate and develop
will love and appreciate them and there- ends up feeling terribly rejected and
intimacy, even when there is fear to
by make up for their lacks in time or the unloved.
confront and tell the truth, and you
divorce, etc. In resentment, parents may
are worried that you might lose your
complain to their children in the guise 11 P rior sexual patterns and
mate by facing the pain
of being open and honest. experience with habits, body
• be flexible and open to change,
memories, anxieties, guilt,
respecting your mate's ideas even
7 Legal battles such as custody and expectations are powerful forces
when your instinct and past cultural
negotiations, support payment that may have to be unlearned before a
conditioning calls for a stubborn
orders, and assessments seem for sexual adjustment can be made. For
defensive reaction to ongoing stressors
some situations to be an ongoing gaunt- men, "impotency," and for women,
• stay boundaried, keeping the pain
let of torture that effectively prevents the "spectatoring," can result, which impairs
from your past in your past, and not
new couple from having a fresh start the enjoyment, sexual desire and signifi-
dumping the energy of your stored
either emotionally or financially. cance of their physical relationship.
hurts unfairly on your new mate
when he/she makes a mistake or has
8 Sharing the children for holi- 10 Comparisons with the
behavior that activates your fears.
days, weekly events, weekends, former spouse, either
etc., is problematical, as constant favorable or not, focus the
Your new relationship and family is
adjustments of time and scheduling are new relationship on the old, and may
worth all the love and goodwill you
required. Picking up and dropping off create great insecurity, dissatisfaction
invest in it! •
children is exhausting, not to mention and resentment. The fact is that com-
facing the extreme trauma of the chil- parisons are always being made, as we
by Dr. Norman Brown,
dren, at any age, as they face the adjust- see life through the lenses of our past
a marriage and family
ment stresses of relationships in flux, experiences. The question is . . . how
therapist in Ajax, Ontario.
especially if the children have difficulty much do I share with my new mate,
Dr. Brown is the mental
with one of their parents and yet, by how much is helpful or destructive, and
health consultant with the
court order, have to spend time with how much is keeping some thoughts health benefits plan for
that parent. secret breaking our intimacy and bond? denominational employees.
How you answer these questions flavors
9 The ex-spouses, as parents, con- or sours the relationship.
tinue to have a relationship and
contact that is supposed to be
limited to parenting, but even that often
creates misunderstanding, confusion,
lyjj(cid:9) ./_t
insecurity and jealousy for the new
spouse. Generally, the new spouse wants
more termination and confrontation,
and the parent spouse wants to avoid
conflict, opening the old wound and
possibly hurting the kids more.
October 1997 Messenger(cid:9) 5
FAMILY LIFE FEATURE
Technical As
SD
You're Still S
I've lost track of the Dispelling the Myths ingle people really are not
qualified to offer advice
There are a few myths I would like to
number of times well-meaning on any affairs of the heart.
dispel about both singles and married
individuals have inquired into individuals.
The rationale behind this attitude is that
my marital status.
if you are not currently in a romantic
Single? Still? If you are single, relationship, you could not possibly
die you must be s000 lonely. understand the entire range of emotions
They pause after this
experienced by those involved.
exchange, as though in a Yes, it is true that sometimes when I'm Not only is this incorrect, but in
at loose ends and would like to get many cases the single individual may
respectable display of grief at
together with someone, no one is avail- have the most sound advice. Why? The
my sad state, but then invari- able, and I experience a twinge of loneli- single person may be able to present a
ness. How I deal with this determines more objective perspective, since he or
ably hasten ever so quickly to
whether I fall to the depths of lonely she is emotionally removed from your
reassure me that the "right" one despair, or shrug it off in favor of other particular situation. Also, don't discount
worthwhile pursuits. the fact that he or she may be able to
is just around the next corner
How many of you married persons draw on experiences gained from previ-
(where if I lay in waiting, I can honestly say that after making those ous relationships in order to give you
might be able to pounce on marriage vows, you have never experi- useful counsel.
enced loneliness? When a person feels
him, so as to not let another one
that having a permanent partner will
slip through my clutches). They automatically and permanently alleviate Single people never
any future possibility of loneliness, they choose their situation.
may even launch into such a
can be setting themselves up for an
convincing monologue on the increased sense of isolation. This is Many believe that given another option,
because they now have certain expecta- singles would change their status in a
many virtues of single life that I
tions, which when not met can leave heartbeat.
am forced to ponder just whom them feeling more lonely than if they Armed with this inaccurate mind-set,
were actually living alone. One must well-meaning persons (we'll call them
they are trying to convince —
learn to discern the difference between family, friends, teachers, preachers, as
themselves or me? being alone and being lonely. well anyone else who is not single) set
6(cid:9) October 1997 Messenger
y Nadia Bettencourt,
It for ADRA Canada's
National Program
ogle!
out to help the single person. Lots of We learn in 1 Corinthians 7 that it is to lean on day by day. This is certainly
unsolicited advice about ways to win easier to be a worker for God as a single not saying that married people are not as
friends and influence members of the person. This is true because you can close to God because they have each
opposite sex is dispensed. Everyone give more time and energy to these other to lean on. However, as human
seems to have either a friend, relative, or endeavors without feeling guilty that beings, we have a tendency to rely on
neighbor whom they would be happy to you are neglecting or shortchanging God less than we should when we can
introduce you to. After a while, you may your familial responsibilities. A good rely on another human being. It's unfor-
even find yourself wondering what's example might be a denominational tunate but true.
wrong with you. Enough! Don't let worker; as a single worker, it is much
yourself go there! There is nothing easier to travel extensively for your job, Waiting or Relishing?
wrong with either being married or liv- whether you are a pastor, truck driver, My wish is that everyone will realize that
ing single. You may have to remind or business administrator. it is only when we surrender ourselves
yourself of this often until you realize it I work for the church and travel a completely to Christ, and allow His will
as the truth. great deal. I happen to enjoy this aspect for our lives to be manifested, that we
of my job. However, I am aware that if I can achieve true happiness. This way, if it
Choosing Priorities
were not single, this would not be an is God's will for your life that you should
From the Christian perspective, we ideal job for me. I would not feel that marry, if you let Him, He will provide
know that God ordained the institution frequent and/or prolonged absences the best possible mate for you, in His
of marriage, saying that it was not good from my spouse were desirable or ideal. time. On the other hand, if it is His will
for man to live alone, so He would cre- In the book of Ephesians, as well as for you that you remain single, if you let
ate a helpmate for him, in the form of a throughout the Bible, God is clear Him, He will provide you with the rich-
woman (Genesis 3: 1 8). The marriage of about the duties of spouses to each est and most fulfilling life possible.
Adam and Eve was a wonderful, blessed other. I am glad that my current single Whatever state you are in today, aim
union, but we also know that there was status allows me to work at a job that I to relish its full potential. Don't "waste"
much pain and heartache in that mar- like and in which I feel that I am mak- your life by waiting for a change in cir-
riage as a result of the introduction of ing a difference, and so should all who cumstances. The One who has your best
sin into this world. The truth is that are in the same position. interests at heart is, and has always been,
unless we have God first and foremost In a recent article,* the author said looking after you. n
in our hearts, life does not and can not she felt blessed in her singleness, since
have the same potential for love, peace, she had often thought that she would
Tammy McGuire, "Why Aren't You Married?,"
joy and contentment. This is true never be as close to God if not for the Women of Spirit, July/August 1997, p. 23.
regardless of your marital status. fact that there is no one else in her life
October 1997 Messenger(cid:9) 7
FAMILY LIFE FEATURE
amity Ministries
hik I prepared for Family Life International (FLI) this year, I asked
myself, "Why am I doing this?"
This is an eight-hour drive one way, from Toronto to Andrews
University. I hate long purposeful drives.
This means sharing a dormitory room for a week. Having spent
all of my high school time and most of my undergraduate years in
a dorm, I do not have a high regard for dorm life.
This means eating at a cafeteria, or out of my picnic cooler, for
a week. That too does not appeal to me. Dormitory living goes
hand in hand with cafeteria food and I've had my fill (no pun
intended) of that too.
So, why do I do this?
Because I believe in the family ministries program presented by
Seventh-day Adventists. I also firmly believe that FLI plays a vital
role in preparing church members to serve in this ministry. I believe
that "the family is the ordained place where human beings can
experience love to the fullest extent." I believe that the Biblical
approach to solving the difficulties of life is the correct approach. I
believe that FLI helps to provide some of the tools to address these
difficulties, and that attendance is one way of preparing myself, my
family and my fellow church members to enhance and enrich our
family experiences.
8(cid:9) October 1997 Messenger
The Aim of ugly forms, alcoholism, drug depend- exist. Some of these family constellations
ency, and the list goes on. include:
Family Life Training
Family ministries focuses on both • Nudear family — the stereotypical
preventive and remedial services for "normal" family, with a mother, a
Family Life International is an intensive
families in our churches. It aims to help father, two and a half children, a
week of workshops, seminars, and lec-
families function in a healthy manner, mini van, a dog and a cat, and a
tures on various aspects of family life. At
to develop, maintain, and nurture stable house. The truth is, most of us do
a very basic level, the aim is to equip
relationships. But we live in an imper- not belong to this structure.
family ministries coordinators to func-
fect world, corrupted by sin, and there- • Extended family — may include
tion effectively and to assist other inter-
fore many of us experience dysfunctions any combination, such as grandpar-
ested members to cope with the every-
in one form or another. For these trying ents, aunts, uncles, etc.
day challenges of life. It is also an oppor-
times, family ministries also provides • Blended family — is formed when
tunity to work toward certification as a
crisis intervention. It addresses needs two separate families become one
family life educator — a process that
and provides solutions for healing and family, usually after divorce or death,
could take up to five summers.
growth. followed by remarriage
God intended for families to exist.
To be sure, we could have a stronger • Single-parent family
He created Adam and Eve, not only for
focus on prevention. As a people, we • Singles — unmarried, separated,
each other's enjoyment, but He told
need to be schooled to recognize danger divorced, widowed
them to "be fruitful and multiply." The
signals and to seek help before it is too • Common-law Families — yes, the
Bible is replete with examples of affirma-
late. Too often, we take out the mop church ministers to those in these
tion of, and advice to, the family —
instead of moving the glass from the relationships, and tries to bring
both within the context of the parent/
edge of the counter. wholeness and stability to them
child relationship as well as the marital
To appreciate the extent of the chal- • Empty nesters — parents whose
relationship.
lenges that a family ministries program grown children have left home
A family can be narrowly defined as a
faces, we need only look at the types of • Any of the above types, with grown
group of people living together, united
families it serves. This begins to give us children who have returned home,
by ties of blood, convictions, characteris-
a picture of the diversity of needs that often with children of their own
tics and/or affiliation. Thus, two or
more people sharing a house together
may or may not constitute family.
The family is the basis of society —
strong families, strong society; weakened
family structure, weakened society. A
healthy, normal family structure provides
love, intimacy, support and security for
"Family ministries is
its members. This kind of nurturing in
turn enables family members to develop
a ministry of grace.
into stable, well-rounded individuals.
It draws people into
Why Do We Need the circle of
Family Ministries? fellowship in
We generally affirm that family min- God's church."
istries exists to enhance the lives of our
families. But is that all? Our church mir-
rors the society in which we live, and so
we unfortunately face the same types of
family problems that exist in the rest of
the world: divorce, abuse in its many
October 1997 Messenger(cid:9) 9
As a people, we need to be schooled
to recognize danger signals and to seek help
before it is too late.
What Does Robert Kriegel, in his book If It Ain't This was one of those teachable
Broke . . . BREAK I7; warns the business moments, an opportunity to discuss
Family Ministries Do?
world of the danger of doing things the how families sometimes miss out on
same old way, year after year. He advises sharing joyful times together, because of
All of the family structures described
that it is often necessary to look for new miscommunication and wrong assump-
above have different needs, and each one
and better methods, and to embrace tions.
presents its own unique set of chal-
them when it makes sense to do so.
lenges. A family ministries program
This advice is equally applicable to 3. Counselling
looks at the types of problems that affect
"managing" our relationships. Family Counselling provides advice for specific
families and provides services, education,
ministries enrichment programs provide situations, such as marital dysfunction.
and resources to help at the individual
some of the tools to infuse new life in Too often we wait until it is too late. It
or family level.
the relationships that are near and dear seems that people generally do not take
Like all other departments of the
to us. opportunities for counselling. There is
church, the family ministries depart-
Family ministries teaches us how to no stigma or shame associated with seek-
ment exists to provide both in-reach
use everyday experiences to learn larger ing professional help when and where it
(nurturing and ministering to members)
lessons in life and transmit them to our is needed. After all, I wouldn't dream of
as well as outreach (ministering to the
biological family and church family, as treating my broken leg at home, by
community in service and in love). In
appropriate. For example, we act on the myself. So who says I am qualified to
this context, family ministries exists to
basis of the assumptions we make which treat my broken relationship at home,
provide social and emotional nurture,
can be the cause or the result of mis- by myself? Family ministries helps us to
and in some cases to meet physical
communication. get to that point where we feel comfort-
needs. In this way, the church also helps
I'll illustrate: Last summer, while vis- able seeking needed help.
its members enjoy more healthy spiritual
iting Miami to attend a wedding, we
lives. To this end, it provides:
left the church to go to the reception
The Family Ministries
hall. My son was driving one car, and
1. Education
the rest of my family were in another. Coordinator
When people are informed, they are bet-
He took a wrong turn. We tried to com-
ter equipped to understand what is hap- The ideal family ministries coordinator
municate this to him, and after some
pening to them or to others and to would possess the following qualities:
comical hand and head signals, finally
make informed decisions. For example, • keen interest in the welfare of
got his attention. He pulled over to the
understanding the stages of grief and the families
side of the road, and as soon as we
typical behaviors at each stage helps peo- • an understanding of the biblical basis
stopped behind him, he drove off again
ple to see that what they are undergoing of the family
without waiting to hear what we had to
is not unique and reassures them that • an appreciation of the need for
say. By the time we pulled back into the
what they are experiencing is normal. healthy family relationships
traffic, he was nowhere to be seen.
Family ministries education may cover • Good interpersonal skills and com-
Frustrated and worried about his
the entire range of coping, interpersonal munication skills
safety, we drove to the reception hall;
communication, and personal effective- • professional training in a family-
after a couple hours of frantic telephone
ness skills. related area such as social work,
calls to the house (which was across
teaching, nursing, marriage and
town), he answered the phone. With the
2. Enrichment confidence of youth, he'd left the house family counselling
• tact and the ability to maintain
Successful families have learned to com- without directions, address or telephone
confidentiality
municate well with one another. The old number of the reception hall, sure he'd
adage "If it ain't broke, why fix it?" is be able to remember it. The role of the family ministries coordi-
not a good one by which to run your He missed the reception. Later, as we nator includes:
family. We should not be satisfied laughed over it, he explained, "I was so • working with the family ministries
because the relationship seems to be sure you guys were going the wrong council or committee
"chugging along." Taking deliberate way, and that I knew the right route, • identifying the needs of the members
steps to enhance a relationship always that I didn't wait for you to say any- • implementing programs and activities
pays off in the long run. thing." to meet these needs
10(cid:9) October 1997 Messenger