Bullying scars : the impact on adult life and relationships

297 Pages·2016·2.09 MB·English

by  Ellen Walser deLara

Bullying Scars

Bullying Scars
The Impact on Adult Life and Relationships
Ellen Walser deLara, PhD
1
1
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© Oxford University Press 2016
First Edition published in 2016
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: DeLara, Ellen, author.
Title: Bullying scars : the impact on adult life and relationships / by Ellen W. deLara.
Description: Oxford; New York : Oxford University Press, [2016]
Identifiers: LCCN 2015037104 | ISBN 9780190233679 (alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Victims of bullying. | Bullying—Psychological aspects.
Classification: LCC BF637.B85 D445 2016 | DDC 302.34/3—dc23
LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015037104
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Printed by Sheridan, USA
To Thom, with loving appreciation.

CONTENTS
Preface  ix
Acknowledgments  xiii
Introduction  xv
1. Bullying: The Parameters of the Problem into Adulthood  1
2. Adult Post- Bullying Syndrome  16
3. Being Different: The Traces That Difference Leaves Behind  30
4. People- Pleasing Versus Revenge: Consequences on Development
of Being Bullied  52
5. Consequences in Relationships  66
6. “Angry Words Echo in My Brain”: Health and Mental
Health Impacts  92
7. “I Am So Self- Conscious”: The Impact of Sexual Harassment  112
8. Does Bullying Affect Decisions?  132
9. It Comes Home to Roost: Bullying and the Family  158
10. Is There Anything Positive?: Unexpected Outcomes of Bullying
and Harassment  177
Conclusion  196
References  215
Index  251

PREFACE
“If sharing my struggle can help even one person, then suffering through the 8th grade
will feel worthwhile.”
Vincenza, age 27
When people hear that my research is about bullying, everyone has a story
to tell. There is a sense of urgency to convey the distress that they or their
child has experienced. From the many, many accounts told to me, I know
there are aftereffects of bullying in childhood lasting into adult life. This
book is based on my original research with over 800 adults, and I wrote it
to bring to light this important phenomenon. Most often, we would like
to believe that the torment children undergo from peers, parents, and
even school personnel is left behind at graduation day or when kids move
out on their own. This is not the case for many. Bullying leaves its unique
imprint on a person’s development, and it can be felt for life. This book is
a natural extension of my research with children and adolescents on the
issue of peer bullying and school violence. My previous books and articles
have addressed these problems that plague our schools. Over 1,200 chil-
dren and teens have shared their ideas and opinions with me on how to
solve the challenge of peer bullying. And Words Can Hurt Forever: How to
Protect Adolescents from Bullying, Harassment, and Emotional Violence (2002,
2003) written with James Garbarino, highlights their concerns. Over the
years, I have been privileged to be taken into their confidence. For this
new book, 836 adults communicated to me the impact of bullying on their
lives. Similarly, I am honored that they were willing to do so. For many,
revisiting and recounting memories was an act of bravery. Remembering
was not a problem; the incidents were readily available. Bullying Scars: The
Impact on Adult Life and Relationships is the result of my research study
with adults from all over the United States and from other countries.