Table Of ContentHEAT & LOVE
Imagine New Orleans transported to North
London’s Crouch End. Kate Holmwood, a
winsome secretary and her awful boss Maitre
Bjourke work in a Legal Consultancy where the
weather is either tropical (AKA Streetcar Named
Desire) or freezing (AKA Fulham High Street in
March). The plot hinges around the legal goings-
on and involve the local Belgian mafia, the now
privatised Russian Secret Service, MI5 (who
have taken it over) and the wild affair between
Kate and the Russian Colonel who is also known
as a Russian Countess....
Copyright 2012
Any reference or similarity to any
persons living or dead is entirely
accidental in this work of fiction
Frank Lauder
ACT: 1 2-23
2 23-36
3 37-50
4 51-74
Characters.
Kate Holmwood A receptionist of 23
Mike Punchdrunk,later brilliant ^ boxer
Mr Bloggs A Lawyer
Bjourkes A Belgian Lawyer
Henriette Rosenberg An ageing receptionist
Countess Polinskaya A Russian Countess
a.k.a. Colonel Viktor Koromovorosky
Mr Smith An MI5 Agent
(Smith uses a hearing aid)
A Reporter of either sex
* ^ adjustable, see pp 10, 36 /pushin’ 24
Bloggs-Bjourkes, and Polinskaya-Koromorovosky are dual ro1es
2
BLOGGS
ACT 1
SCENE 1: We are in the reception area of a
very expensive Lawyers office, it is high
summer in Crouch End, everyone is wreathed in sweat:
the large circular fan on the ceiling never ceases to turn,
even though it changes pace as scenes hot up or go down:
Kate is wearing a revealing and diaphanous low-cut
dress, the lawyer wears a city suit and wipes his brow,
collar etc., from time to time with a handkerchief: the
radio, with easy listening music, some of it from France
Musique or Radio Monte Carlo, plays in the b/g:
Throughout all relevant scenes and especially in the
lawyers office, a constant babble of different languages is
heard as a b/g sound.
KATE
Oh no! How can I spend another summer in fashionably
chic London town when all around me is a-sizzling: oh
(makes gesture) this terrible heat... this terrible heat
threatens to burst my very body asunder...!
MIKE (sparring)
... then this fight breaks out... What can you do when a
damn fight breaks out!... what d’you do ? You react.,
that’s what you do.. ! so I reacted, that’s what...!
KATE
3
Yes... except., simple really except that Crouch End, as
everybody knows, is the very centre of European
respectability, the very soul of refined control and
deportment, the....
a wail of horror from KATE as chair smashes..
....very centre of all that is respectable and
Victorian in good ole sunny London town!
Lawyer Mr BLOGGS enters:
BLOGGS
..I heard that... it’s true, but you can’t keep wearing those
filmy summer things around a lawyers office .... Miss
Kate. It’s just not................. legal..
KATE
..and why not, pray, Mister Bloggs... why not, pray... after
all a womans body gets hot... hot... in all this (Gestures')
in all this... foreign ...heat
BLOGGS
Ahem ... though this is a European legal consultancy in
Crouch End Miss Holmwood .... a certain dress code
should be followed ...!
4
KATE
..do you always have to reduce me to a number... just an
anonymous name ?... my name’s KATE... don’t you
forget that.. Jeremy Bloggs...!
BLOGGS
..yes, no, I mean., just a minute., but I...
KATE
...it’s not for you to say., you’re just a man, Mister
Bloggs... just a lawyer... but me... looky here, I’m a
woman... look at this flesh... oh! God! This summer’s
a sizzling and a gnawing at my very bones...! (she
makes as if to expose her chest) you see, lawyer
Bloggs, you see, don’t you..!
(an emotional moment)
BLOGGS
No.. I mean my name is Bertrand., not...
HENRIETTE
(radio personality) said it’s going to be 93 degrees today...
oh dear, my ice-cream’s melting..!
second lawyer Mr BJOURKES enters:
5
BJOURKES
Good morning..! Good Morning! Nice day for hard work...
isn’t it..!
HENRIETTE
Oh, it’s you !
KATE
These darn Belgians! Why Oh Why are they always
beavering away round here eh! I mean, what’s so attractive
about sleepy Crouch End., it’s jus’ another seethin’
honeypot like all the others !
BJOURKES
Well, life and money are all the same, arent’t they!
Indivisible, aren’t they ?
KATE
Life... money! Who care’s about lousy money... it’s the
damn heat that’s a driving me crazy !
HENRIETTE
Hear, Hear !
6
BJOURKES
Rubbish ! Work is good for the soul! Hard, unending
work...
DEAD SILENCE They stare daggers at BJOURKES
BJOURKES
Busy day, is it ? HaHa! Come on, get moving., money to be
made!
BJOURKES exits to office:
KATE
..’scuse me, Mister Bloggs, but (overhearing (radio
personality) prog on Radio 2:to HENRIETTE) damn James
Young(name)... may he rot in hell..!
7
HENRIETTA
..leave Jimmy Young(name) out of this, Kate
Holmwood.. what’s he ever done to you...!
SMITH
(Mops brow) Well, what can I say....
KATE
..It’s not what he’s a doin to me... not what he’s a
doin’ to the Whole World .. it’s this damn heat..! The
Crouch End is a’burnin’ up, I swear it... I swear it..!
BLOGGS
Now Kate... take yourself in hand.... I’m worried about
you, my girl....
KATE
..no Bloggs... you’re a kind man, I know... but
this malaise that’s a gnawin’ away at my bones
is not of your a makin’
Blackout as the lights fuse: DARKNESS:
8
MIKE
..dammit, if the lights haven’t fused..!
KATE
...blast this heat... and I had so much to say., so much livin’
to do., and yet snuffed out at the last moment by a damn
fuse... oh, this heat’s making my very body burst with the
frustration, the obsession... I’m gonna be relegated to
nowhere and at my age I’m already feeling the savage pull
of nature... oh all these forces., these forces greater than
myself... and at such an age... such a damn age... and this
feeling in my belly I
HENRIETTA
...I’ll call the electricians..
We hear fumbling in the dark; FX: SLAP
BLOGGS
Oww ! Sorry my eh... Dear !
9
KATE
..now keep your hands to yourself Mr Bloggs...
BLOGGS
..Oh.. I was just looking for the fuse wire Miss Kate..
HENRIETTA
...(dials phone).... is that the elect... no, not the
plumber... yes... no... oh., dammit! Where’s the
matches/torch
KATE
...Oh., can no-one save us from this urban blight...?! The
lights suddenly come on:
BLOGGS
Divine Intervention! That’s what I call it...!
10
