Table Of ContentAbsurdly Big
ADULT
JOKE BOOK
By Johnny Sharpe
This edition published in 2011 by Arcturus Publishing Limited
26/27 Bickels Yard, 151–153 Bermondsey Street,
London SE1 3HA
Copyright © 2009 Arcturus Publishing Limited All rights reserved. No part of
this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted,
in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or
otherwise, without written permission in accordance with the provisions of the
Copyright Act 1956 (as amended). Any person or persons who do any
unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal
prosecution and civil claims for damages.
ISBN: 978-1-84858-612-3
AD001422EN
Contents
At Home
School days
In the Money
Keep it in the Family
Next-Door Neighbours
With the Ball and Chain
A Nod to Confucius
At Play
Among the Animals
At the Movies
At the Zoo
Down on the Farm
In the Park
On the Desert Island
On the Skids
On Their Worst Behaviour
Up for a Party
Up for a Lark
In the Ladies
At Work
At the Hotel
At the Office
On the Job
In Church
In the Restaurant
In Uniform
On the Road
Up in Court
Macho Man
In Love
Adultery
In Bed
On Honeymoon
Out of Love
Romance
Men on Women
Women on Men
In Sickness & In Health
At the Chemist's
At the Doctor's
In Hospital
In the Dentist's Chair
In the Grave and Beyond
On the Couch
Over the Hill
She's Gotta Have It
On the Field of Play
Football
Golf
Out on the Cricket Pitch
This Sporting Life
Smart Alecs
Out on the Tiles
Down the Pub
In the Altogether
In the Wild
In the Gay Bar
On Holiday
On the Game
Out Shopping
Lights on – Nobody Home
At Home
School days
"Mummy, the milkman's here. Are you going to pay him or shall I go out to
play?"
*
A woman was walking along the street with her little daughter when they
came upon two dogs humping. When the daughter asked her mother what
they were doing, embarrassed Mum did some quick thinking and replied,
"The dog on top has hurt itself so the one underneath is carrying it."
"Well, isn't that just typical?" said the little girl. "You try and do someone a
good turn and all they do is turn round and f*ck you."
*
A little girl in a convent school asks her teacher, an old nun, who came first,
Adam or Eve.
"Adam," replied the nun. "Men always come first."
*
"My dad's got two of those," said little Tommy as he watched his
grandfather urinating.
"No, that's not right," replied his grandfather, "you're mistaken there."
"I'm not," replied the little boy. "He's got a little one for weeing with and a
great big purple one for cleaning the au pair's teeth."
*
When she was a baby, she was so shy, she used to change her own nappies.
*
I always knew my parents really hated me.
My bath toys were a kettle and toaster.
*
"Mummy, Mummy, the au pair is in bed with a strange man.
Ha ha, got you! April Fool. It's only Daddy."
*
A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to
school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.
"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That
night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted him
about the bad habits he was getting into.
"It's not only me, Miss," replied the boy. "You're a cheat; you pretend to be
a natural blonde, but you've got dark hair between your legs."
"I have not!" she blurted out without thinking.
"Oh, yes, you have, and I'll bet you my month's pocket money."
The teacher was in a bit of a quandary. She had promised to help and this
could be an expensive bet for him to lose. So she lifted her skirt and dropped
her knickers. Having won the bet she rang the boy's father to tell him the
good news.
"Damn it!" he said. "This morning he bet me a tenner he'd get your
knickers off before the day was out."
*
A junior teacher decided to play a little guessing game with her class."Listen
everyone, I'm going to turn around and hold something in my hand and you have
to guess what it is. Here's a clue, it's yellow and you can eat it."
One of the children guessed a melon, but another guessed a banana.
"That's right," she said. "Now I'm holding something red in my hand, and this is
also something you can eat." A little girl guessed apple.
"Well done, it shows all of you are really thinking." At this point a boy at the
back asked if he could have a turn. With his back to the class he said, "I've got
something in my hand that's long and has a red tip."
"Now, John, enough of that," said the teacher.
"Actually, it's a match, Miss," says Johnny, "but it shows you're really thinking."
*
Little Billy peeped into his big sister's bedroom one day to see her rubbing
her hands between her legs, saying, "I need a man, God, I need a man."
The next night he peeped into her bedroom again and was amazed to find a
man in bed with her. Later on that night if anyone had looked in Billy's
room they would have seen him rubbing his hands between his legs, saying,
"I need a PlayStation, God, please, I need a PlayStation."
*
A woman who lost the top half of her bikini in the sea was running back up the
beach with her arms across her breasts when a little boy stopped her.
"Please, Miss," he said. "If you're selling those puppies, can I have the one with
the pink nose?"
*
"Mummy, Mummy, why do fairy stories always start, 'Once upon a
time...'?"
"They don't always, sweetheart; sometimes they start, 'Had to work late
again...' or even, 'Bloody traffic, it took ages...' "
*
"Mummy, Mummy, Bobby's got something I haven't got," said the upset little
girl, pointing between her legs.
"Oh, don't worry about that," said Mummy, relieved, "as long as you've got one
of these you'll always be able to get one of those."
*
"Daddy, Daddy, are you still growing?"
"Why do you ask, son?"
"Because the top of your head is coming through your hair."
*
Once a week the boy would travel across town to pick up child support money
from his father and take it back to his mum. This money had come regularly for
16 years, but on the boy's sixteenth birthday his father told him it was going to
be the last payment and to tell his mum he wasn't the father anymore.
"That's OK, Dad," replied the boy. "Mum says you never were."
*
The children go back to school after Christmas and are asked by the teacher
what they received from Father Christmas.
"I got a brmmm brmmm," says one little boy, but the teacher is cross and
tells him he's not a baby and should use the right names.
"Sorry, Miss, I got a car."
"Well done, Bobby, and how about you, Tracy?"
"I got a woof woof," she said.
Again the teacher had to remind the class to use proper words.
"I got a puppy, Miss," Tracy replied.
"Jason, what did you get?"
The little boy hesitated because he didn't want to get it wrong and make
teacher cross with him.
"I, er... got a book," he stuttered.
"Well done," smiled the teacher.
"And what was it called?"
"Winnie The Sh*t, Miss."
*
"Now try and get to sleep, son. Dream about what you would like for
Christmas."
"I wanna watch, Daddy," he replied.
"Well, you can't," retorted Dad. "Now get to sleep."
*
A woman was breastfeeding her baby in the park when a young boy sat
down next to her.
"What does the baby have to drink?" asked the boy.
"Just milk and orange juice," she replied.
After a few moments' thought, the little boy asked, "Which one is the
orange juice?"
*
"Mummy, Mummy, you can go to bed now because Dad's locked up for the
night."
"I don't think so, sweetheart, he isn't home yet."
"But it's true, Mum, the police have just been on the phone to tell you."
*
"Please Miss, I've hurt my finger," said little Rosie to her teacher. "Have
you got any cider?"
Puzzled, the teacher asked her why she wanted cider.
"Because I heard my sister telling her friend that when she gets a prick in
her hand she always puts it in cider."
*
The parents were so proud when their son John went away to university, but all
he did was constantly write home for money to spend on books, trips,
membership fees and so on. Then halfway through the term he wrote to tell them
he had a lead role in the university play but needed money for the costume. All
this money was beginning to really annoy the parents, but they did as he asked.
It was a month later when he wrote to them again to say thanks.
"The party was fantastic," he wrote. "Everyone thought I looked a real count in
the costume."
On seeing this, the father retorted, "Bloody hell, I give him all that money and he
still can't spell!"
*
Mum arrived back from staying overnight with her mother and asked her
daughter if everything had been alright.
"Oh, yes," said little Anne. "Dad took me to the fair and I had some candy
floss and an ice-cream. It was great. But last night, I had a tummy ache, so I
went to look for Daddy and he was in the au pair's room and he was in her
bed and..."
"Stop," said Mum, beside herself with anger. "I want your Daddy to hear
this."
When Dad came in, Anne repeated her story while Mum looked on, beside
